So you probably all already know that this week, Ms. Erin Long and I pulled off the ULTIMATE SWITCH. We did it, you guys. Us! We switched columns for a once in a lifetime special edition, and I bet you were just shocked because it came out of NOWHERE unless you had access to our emails, and in that case, HOW. NO. STOP IT. GET OUT.
Well now you know. Erin channeled her inner Old Lady, and now I am embracing Life Ruiners. She chose The Craft, and while I was GOING TO, I realized I’d only seen it enough not to have it fully ruin my life — unlike Practical Magic, which absolutely has. So hold tight! Let’s do this! Feelings! Magic! That scene where little Sally made the love spell and promised never to die of a broken heart.
THERE’S NO TIME TO LOSE. LET’S SNAP TO IT.
1. Amas Veritis
Well let’s just get right down to business. (GOD HOW AM I ONLY GOING TO CHOOSE FIVE THINGS.) Well first, this spell. THIS SPELL. I’m not even sure if it’s real but it gets to me every. single. time and even if I’m in one of those amazing wonderful beautiful moods where nothing is sad, I will tear up and be all, “AH SALLY YOU WILL FIND LOVE.” (Because spoiler alert: she totally does.) (And it’s everything right with the world.)
Second, MAYBE we have all tried to do spells like this when we were younger, I DON’T KNOW, I’m just putting it out there like you would, say, put a spell if you were really into Practical Magic and actually really love/loved/loves everything it entails. And maybe like, I still have it somewhere in a book because I tried to copy what little Sally does, and WHAT AM I SAYING.
Anyway. Believe it or not, this scene and this spell and this whole exchange Sally has with little Nicole Kidman has come up in conversations as of even last week, so what I’m saying is that either I’m far too influenced by pop culture or just like Amas Veritis, this scene is MAGIC.
(Drops mic.) (That’s for you, Kat!)
2. Jimmy Angleov
The first time I saw Practical Magic I was in grade eight at a sleepover with my (still) best friend Erica and two girls we were pals with at the time. It was late, we were in the basement (it was terrifying), and the one girl’s parents let us watch this PG-13 extravaganza. Now, regardless of how close the four of us were, Erica and I always were the closest, and our taste in gentlemen tended to be similar.
Case in point: Jimmy Angelov.
NOW, you may remember him from such films as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and ER, but he will always be that badass weird vampire guy who sang Kenny Rogers in a parking lot. And I (and Erica) LOVED IT. Obviously.
Also, more obviously, this was a problem. OBVIOUSLY we liked this terrible character (while our other two friends chose Gary Howlett who we’re SUPPOSED to like) (and we made fun of them due to this) because he was a token “bad boy” and also “mysterious” and also “tall, dark and handsome” and also “with an accent” and etc. etc. etc. it was a diaster. For two reasons:
1) Because he is actually THE WORST and
2) It may or may not have set in motion the habit of choosing very, very wrong dudes for far too long.
You know? Because you can “change them” and/or they are “tortured” (gross)? NOPE. No thank you, anymore, awful guys. But luckily, at this token Old Lady age, I have learned that Officer Gary Howlett is FAR superior as he is SO NICE AND SO WONDERFUL, and he is everything Jimmy Angelov is not.
So screw you, Jimmy Angelov. And Gary Howlett, I’m sorry I doubted you and your pancake flipping and your sheriff’s badge and your favourite song and everything about you, you beautiful lovely wonderful kind human being.
No more Jimmy Angelovs, everyone. For any of us, please and thank you.
3. Circle around the moon/blood on the moon
WELL, okay fine, I guess this post is going to be one of those where you find out all these things about me and it’s like, “WOAH BOY we are only three points in and so far Anne has already admitted to crying in the first seven minutes of Practical Magic and liking the ACTUAL villain I liked it better when she just made fun of this.” BUT THIS IS JUST THE WAY THIS IS GOING TO BE. I mean, okay, fine, YES, maybe telling you guys I liked Jimmy Angelov (once!) was a little too much, but I think I might surpass it with this:
I still totally freak out/hate it when I see either a circle around the moon OR blood on the moon because HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOVIE? Did we not all gather that the most important lesson in the world is when Sally writes the letter to Jilly and is like, “A circle around the moon: a sign that trouble is not far behind”? And what happens: TROUBLE. Big time. Death, even. And then don’t even get me started on the red moon. I know science will have us believe that it’s actually Mars, BUT those of us who’ve seen this movie know that it is also obviously death (in the form of ghost Jimmy Angelov). I know there is more to both because obviously you can’t gather everything you can from Practical Magic, but right now this is five things about Practical Magic and not “five things you need to know in general.”
Sidenote/tangent: it’s a full moon tonight and I was totally paranoid that it would either be red or have a circle around it when I was driving home from the mall, and it didn’t, but it might as well have because the salesgirl totally packed the wrong size of this thing I bought and now I have to drive back tomorrow and exchange it and isn’t that just the worst thing you have ever heard in your ENTIRE LIFE? (No.) (Or if it is, tell me your secrets and give me your life.)
4. THEIR HAIR
Now, I would like to think that I have beautiful long luscious locks. This is not necessarily the case because this is actually what my hair looks like:
See? I mean, it’s not like the worst hair in the world, BUT it is certainly not anything like this:
Also, it will never BE anything like that because I don’t have extensions or super thick hair or extensions or an in-house stylist that will do my hair every day or extensions. But does that stop me? God no. Do I think that if I were to grow out my hair that THIS TIME I would look EXACTLY like Nicole Kidman or Sandra Bullock or even a combination of them both? (Yes.) (Seriously, even now as I write this I’m thinking, “Ha! You say this now Anne but when your hair’s done growing out you will TOTALLY have hair just like them and then they’ll see THEY WILL ALL SEE!”)
So the moral of the story guys is that I’m growing out my hair. Also, I’m delusional.
5. Midnight margaritas
I have never had these. Ever. BUT I can 100% guarantee that if it was midnight, and I had the makings of these aforementioned ”margaritas,” I would drink them and dance. And I would dance and I would drink them.
Or I would just dance around to “Lime In The Coconut” if it played anywhere even remotely close to where I was. Basically what I’m saying is that Jimmy Buffet has a career because of this movie and this movie’s effect on me. And while both of those points are a lie, do you know what’s not?
Practical Magic ruined my life.
For the better.