It all started one lazy Sunday afternoon with my college roommates. We were watching SoapNet Happy Hour and recovering from the previous night’s shenanigans. The absolute last thing on our minds was food. That was, until it happened… the Sonic commercial. We had seen fast food commercials before. However, this one was different. Something about the fast paced fried food montage and playful banter got to us. The jalapeño strips, the onion rings and don’t even get me started on the chili cheese fries. We wanted, nay, needed Sonic and we needed it ASAP.
Our dreams were crushed by discovery that the nearest Sonic was 70 miles away, but our hunger remained. We found ourselves constantly slipping Sonic into everyday conversation. We, to our surprise, could not find a single person who had eaten at a Sonic. After winter break we reconvened, each having failed to find a Sonic near our hometown. Something was sketchy about this Sonic thing. What kind of food chain can afford expensive national advertisements with so few locations? It was simple. Sonic did not exist. Every once in a while someone would report having “eaten at Sonic,” which only meant one thing… brainwashing. They were brainwashing people in order to perpetuate the lie! We couldn’t believe how deep this thing went. What once had been a simple hankering for hamburgers had landed us in the middle of an epic conspiracy.
I graduated, moved to California and continued to spread The Sonic Conspiracy Theory. Then… the unthinkable happened. I was kidnapped under pretense of country line-dancing and driven forty-minutes down a dark highway. When the car finally stopped I looked out my window and there it was with its drive-in stations and roller skating waiters… Sonic, America’s Drive-In. They got to me. I didn’t even see it coming! I was brainwashed. Though, it makes sense I guess. I was getting too close, starting to become a threat. Well, nice try you silly fake fast food chain. I laugh in the face of your tricky mind games. I will persevere, continue to dig and find out what’s really going on with Sonic once and for all! Though to be fair, I must admit the food, while an illusion, was pretty fantastic. The tots were unreal. Really though… they weren’t real.
Image via mollyerdman