Some Small-ish Reasons Why The World Can't End In 2012Albertina Rizzo

  • I’d like to see my cat grow up. Not that he’ll be making anything of himself. I can guarantee that. But there is a slight possibility that he’ll learn stop unfurling toilet paper rolls, thus not forcing me to duck walk with my pants around my ankles to the toilet paper hidden in my medicine cabinet every time I finish peeing. I’d like to stick around for that.
  • There are still at least 20,000 Sketchers ads that don’t have a hilarious penis drawn on them. I cannot rest until that happens.
  • I’m not invested in this at all, but someone has to marry Jennifer Aniston already. Seriously.
  • It would be nice to be able to call loved ones during the apocalypse but given that my carrier is AT&T, that doesn’t seem very likely – unless I plan on living at the Petco around the corner/the only place I get reception. Point is, I’d like get out of my phone plan before then.
  • Speaking of loved ones, before the end of days; my mom has to at least once say “Starbucks” instead of “Blockbuster” when she asks me to pick her up a cappuccino. The woman wasn’t born in this country, so apparently she has a hard time deciphering between a place that sells coffee and a defunct video rental chain.
  • There should be at least four women candidates running for President every election year. And I’m not talking about the blame hurricanes on wizards and crap types. I’m talking real “I went to college and paid attention in science class” ladies.
  • By the end of the world, I want to have enough money to have a party on a large sailboat boat where all my friends are dressed in white and we eat an endless amount of BBQ spare ribs very messily (because of the waves). At the end of the evening we’ll take a group picture and it’ll look like we’re all victims of a fancy murder on CSI.
  • I’d like to learn how that “Stocks” app on my iPhone works. Also, I have no money, so I bet I would get an ironic kick out of it. It would be funnier to me than anything on Twitter.
  • I’ve got a stack of New Yorkers dating back to 2003 that I said I was gonna read “for the short stories”. If the end of the world is dependent on that task alone then good news, guys. We’re going to be around for the next 10 million years.
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  1. hahah this was awesome!!

  2. One of my students calls it “Starbust.”

  3. I would *love* to marry Jennifer Aniston, but she isn’t returning my phone calls, and she hasn’t responded to multiple emails, tweets, and bloody body parts I’ve sent her. No, I’m not obsessed.

  4. my fav female youtuber grace helbig (daily grace) sent me here. im so glad! this is hilarious. mainly the aniston comment, the party that ends with everyone looking like a fancy murder and your mom confusing blockbuster with starbucks. you are a funny person! thank you for the laughs.

  5. Is that picture of you in SE Alaska? That shoreline looks achingly familiar. Also, somebody needs to marry ME before the world ends, so, yeah. We could be here a while.

    • It wasn’t Alaska. It was a beautiful toilet called Brooklyn

      Albertina Rizzo | 9/17/2011 04:09 am
  6. Hahaha, I love this…. Poor Jen An…

    I want to see if my 15month old kitten will ever grow out of his stroppy teenage phase and actually grow to be remotely affectionate/interested in me, when its not dinner time…! Oooh and My 20month old son growing up too… of course… I would like to see him grow out of his obsession of attempting to walk in all my high heels… or that he at least learns to do it properly and rocks it one day ;)

    x

  7. The world can’t end in 2012 because Marty McFly went to 2015! -and because I also want to see my cat growing up. Even if he is old enough :1
    -Don’t forget to be happy!

  8. Hahaha! The world cannot end because I want to read millions more things written by you!!

    • can you handle tens? because my work ethic is so so. Thank you!

      Albertina Rizzo | 9/17/2011 04:09 am
  9. “By the end of the world, I want to have enough money to have a party on a large sailboat boat where all my friends are dressed in white and we eat an endless amount of BBQ spare ribs very messily (because of the waves). At the end of the evening we’ll take a group picture and it’ll look like we’re all victims of a fancy murder on CSI.” I think this is the best idea ever.

  10. Your mother is precious! : )

  11. I’ve decided that the world can’t end in 2012 because I want to use an entire bag of flour by then.