1. Whatever you do or say can and will be used against you in the court of life. Do not do or say anything that you will deny later. The internet is like a basketball, it don’t lie. Don’t tell your boyfriend that you are going to bed and then post, “OMG SOOO WASTED!” next to a timestamped photo on any social network.
2. Although your oral hygiene is a top priority to YOU, most people don’t give a flying poop when you brush your teeth. While it is true that you are protected by the First Amendment, Freedom of Speech, you have to trust me on this one. The minute you tweet that you brushed your teeth, people will begin to skip over your tweets and in this case, my friend, you have just violated your own right. Fear not that they will unfollow you, they wont; which leads us to…
3. Don’t unfollow people (or unfriend, if you are a FB user) that you have a personal relationship with in the real world. Instead, download a cool app on your smart phone and ZIP IT. This will allow you to continue following someone, but their tweets won’t appear on your timeline. Social networking is not an acceptable excuse to hurt anyone’s feelings. I can attest, from personal experience, that I begin to dislike 90% of my real life friends as soon as I become their Twitter follower.
4. As Abe, the 16th President of the US, said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Yes, I did say to be nice, kinda. But I also said DON’T LIE, didn’t I?! Please tell me why a grown woman would post a picture of herself doing the splits while wearing her 10-year-old sister’s mini skirt. Mental picture? Now, tell me why her friends comment on her pic saying, “OMG, THIS PIC IS TO KILLLLLL FOR!!!!!!” “HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU HOW GORGEOUUUUUSSS YOU ARE???!!!” Look, first of all, it isn’t to kill for, but its definitely to DIE for. What the HELL are you thinking? Don’t do that. Second, its not gorgeous to act inappropriately in a mini skirt. It’s just not. Do not tell lies. Social network lies are the worst kind. People know you are lying – they have this one sense called VISION, too, ya know.
5. “Did I ever tell you that I seriously DIEEEE for you?!” This tweet/comment makes me want to knock a B out. Answer me this, if you DIE for me, how are you @mentioning me? HOW? You are dead. I knew Social Networking was Universal, but I didn’t know Jesus had a Twitter. You die for me huh? Sit down.
6. There are some words in the English language that have double o’s, e’s, l’s etc., but most don’t. As you can see from my above quotations, Social Networkers LOVE to add extra letters, ie, “GORGEOUUUUSSSS,” “DIEEEEE,” “YOUUUU.” You only get a certain number of characters per post, why are you wasting them being annoying? Also, one question mark will usually do the trick, no need to get all crazy. You may use up to 2 exclamation points. Being excited makes you add another one. I understand.
7. We realize that you are in love and happy and your boy/girlfriend is the greatest thing since sliced bread. We know because you told us 4 times a day since you began dating. There comes a point when no one cares. That point comes about 5 minutes after you post your first gushy, vomit-worthy post about how blessed you are. “So blessed.” Not interested. And now, no one wants to attend your wedding. You’re fu*#ed.

This is just a brief beginners lesson. Let me know how this works out for you and we may advance you to the college prep course. Remember, don’t violate your own rights, don’t lie, and as much as you LOOVVVEEE your man, mind your spelling and don’t reiterate; we get it. You’ve just been schooled. Til next time.

Sidenote: Of course, I am only being a negative, pessimistic, mean B right now. I am guilty of violating most of these guidelines, which is why I know so much about them. Have fun breaking these rules and so many more!