Broke and Single So I May Have Read a Couple Sexy ‘Cosmo' Articles: A Guy's Take Alec Banks

Don’t ask me why I was Googling Kama Sutra maneuvers, because the adjoining tale is neither pulled from the pages of romance novels where the lead character has rippling biceps, a sturdy jaw and sweats out expensive champagne, nor was it for scientific purposes. Let’s just say that I was interested in getting a picture painted for me and that it was way too early in the morning to be looking at real fleshy bodies glued to one another like they had lathered each other in that sticky paste that accumulates in one’s eye when a rousing bout of sleep has just ended. Not surprisingly, the Google search result pointed to web destinations with flashing banners, spinning chakras and a promise of spiritual enlightenment brought on by getting in touch with one’s wing-wong and jam factory. After a couple of failed click-throughs, I found myself staring at a website who I only recognized in name, but not in content:

Cosmopolitan, or Cosmo, depending on how often you have cucumber slices in your drink or over your closed eyelids as you lay motionless next to an infinity pool.

Of course I knew about Cosmo. It’s just that I never even snuck a peek at the publication so many women read on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I was intrigued for no other reason than the magazine was boasting “10 Sure Fire Kama Sutra Maneuvers To Make Your Man’s Head Explode” or at least something to that effect. Never in my life did I suspect Cosmopolitan to be so chalked full of tales of burning sexual conquest. After digesting Mary M from Michigan’s tips on becoming a “wild horse” and Patricia C’s encouragement to work your way into being a “waiting frog”, I closed down my web browser and tried to make sense of exactly what the hell I had just gotten myself into. You see, I’m a man of many vices. Was I really going to add “reading Cosmopolitan” to my long list of indiscretions?

You’re God damn right I was.

Armed with a piping hot cup of coffee, I let my fingers tickle the keyboard to see just how raunchy Cosmopolitan really was. Now let’s get something straight, I’m not suggesting that it’s more raunchy than the “man-rags” that get churned out every month. It’s just that a man’s publication is so outward in its machismo that there’s very little to surprise the reader inside. Men’s magazine covers boast words like “cans” and “jugs” and “rod.” But with Cosmo, all of the naughtier bits were tucked away and hidden amongst duvet recommendations and scented candles. I had cracked the code.

I was onto you all!

Good Lord! Some of these supposed “tests” are more exciting than that late night romp with your remote when you find something about “slumber parties” on Cinemax. Am I being overly dramatic? Probably. But the proof is in the proverbial pudding.

Are You a Good Girl of Bad Girl in Bed
30 Things to Do with a Naked Man
Water Sex Positions
e=Mc V Card

I swear if test taking was this interesting when I was in school, I would have been a straight A student with the sexual knowledge of Alfred Kinsey. Like any keen observer, here’s what I’ve learned after reading several Cosmo pieces.

1. There’s something called “The Passion Pretzel” and it’s available for download on your iPhone.
2. A woman’s “aim” may be askew after a Brazilian wax.
3. There are 100 more nerve endings in a person’s lips than there are in their fingers.
4. People use hashtags when describing sexual maneuvers. #apparentlyivebeendoingthatonewrongforyears.
5. I’m obsessed with my ex-girlfriend Nadia, even though I’ve never dated a girl named Nadia.  Although I’d like to.
6. I’m “bad girl hot”.
7. My body isn’t a temple. It’s more like an old amusement park that’s an intricate part of a horror movie’s plot.
8. A woman’s relationship with her gynecologist is more important than ANYTHING else.
9. There’s a scary new butt trend.
10. Kama Sutra pictures look like the illustrations on airplanes that tell you what to do in case of an emergency.
11. A certain Supervisor at Bhatpara Municipaltiy was using the comment section on a sex post as a place to meet ladies.
12. Cosmo Hint: Use lube.
13. My body language makes as much sense as Korean building instructions for a coffee table.
14. If I were a girl.  I’d have bangs.

Being a woman is tough.

Featured image via bol.com

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  1. I just got bangs last month and all of a sudden everyone I know is slowly also getting bangs. we are all little Zooey drones I suppose!

  2. “Cosmopolitan, or Cosmo, depending on how often you have cucumber slices in your drink or over your closed eyelids as you lay motionless next to an infinity pool.”

    You, sir, are hilarious.

  3. Your Alfred Kinsey references is appreciated!

  4. Speaking of Cosmo…I can’t even read one without blushing. But, I’m not gonna lie, they do have some interesting articles. Anyway, I usually share the mag with my sisters. So when I read them first, I take care not to crinkle any of the sex article pages, that I take my time reading, so whoever gets the magazine next doesn’t think I’m some sorta perv or something. No dog ears on those saved pages when I wanna go back to them either. I’m not sure if I’m the only person to do this, but when one of my sisters buys the mag first, and when they hand it to me, it’s almost always like brand new. No crinkles or dog ears. So, I’m almost positive I’m not the only on who does it.

    Anyway, I always love your articles! It’s great to read a male’s take on girly things. :)

  5. “14. If I were a girl. I’d have bangs.”

    ahahha! I’ve had a handful of guys actually tell me this!

  6. eh, cosmo. the more you try to find out about their new sex positions of the month, the more you start to realize they’ve just recycled last month’s positions and given them a new name. or this time you’re standing. gee, revolutionary. but seriously, please don’t get bangs. they are always a mistake. :)

    • bangs*

    • Yep. And I noticed that about 90% of those positions can probably only be done by someone who is double jointed or a 80 pound Olympian Figure Skater anyway.

      And about the bangs, I’ve com to realize that if your name isn’t Zooey Deschanel, then you’ll probably never be able to pull off bags.

  7. The only thing funnier than anything found in Cosmo is this article. Holy crap.

    Becca Sands | 1/15/2012 06:01 am