Don’t ask me why I was Googling Kama Sutra maneuvers, because the adjoining tale is neither pulled from the pages of romance novels where the lead character has rippling biceps, a sturdy jaw and sweats out expensive champagne, nor was it for scientific purposes. Let’s just say that I was interested in getting a picture painted for me and that it was way too early in the morning to be looking at real fleshy bodies glued to one another like they had lathered each other in that sticky paste that accumulates in one’s eye when a rousing bout of sleep has just ended. Not surprisingly, the Google search result pointed to web destinations with flashing banners, spinning chakras and a promise of spiritual enlightenment brought on by getting in touch with one’s wing-wong and jam factory. After a couple of failed click-throughs, I found myself staring at a website who I only recognized in name, but not in content:
Cosmopolitan, or Cosmo, depending on how often you have cucumber slices in your drink or over your closed eyelids as you lay motionless next to an infinity pool.
Of course I knew about Cosmo. It’s just that I never even snuck a peek at the publication so many women read on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I was intrigued for no other reason than the magazine was boasting “10 Sure Fire Kama Sutra Maneuvers To Make Your Man’s Head Explode” or at least something to that effect. Never in my life did I suspect Cosmopolitan to be so chalked full of tales of burning sexual conquest. After digesting Mary M from Michigan’s tips on becoming a “wild horse” and Patricia C’s encouragement to work your way into being a “waiting frog”, I closed down my web browser and tried to make sense of exactly what the hell I had just gotten myself into. You see, I’m a man of many vices. Was I really going to add “reading Cosmopolitan” to my long list of indiscretions?
You’re God damn right I was.
Armed with a piping hot cup of coffee, I let my fingers tickle the keyboard to see just how raunchy Cosmopolitan really was. Now let’s get something straight, I’m not suggesting that it’s more raunchy than the “man-rags” that get churned out every month. It’s just that a man’s publication is so outward in its machismo that there’s very little to surprise the reader inside. Men’s magazine covers boast words like “cans” and “jugs” and “rod.” But with Cosmo, all of the naughtier bits were tucked away and hidden amongst duvet recommendations and scented candles. I had cracked the code.
I was onto you all!
Good Lord! Some of these supposed “tests” are more exciting than that late night romp with your remote when you find something about “slumber parties” on Cinemax. Am I being overly dramatic? Probably. But the proof is in the proverbial pudding.
Are You a Good Girl of Bad Girl in Bed
30 Things to Do with a Naked Man
Water Sex Positions
e=Mc V Card
I swear if test taking was this interesting when I was in school, I would have been a straight A student with the sexual knowledge of Alfred Kinsey. Like any keen observer, here’s what I’ve learned after reading several Cosmo pieces.
1. There’s something called “The Passion Pretzel” and it’s available for download on your iPhone.
2. A woman’s “aim” may be askew after a Brazilian wax.
3. There are 100 more nerve endings in a person’s lips than there are in their fingers.
4. People use hashtags when describing sexual maneuvers. #apparentlyivebeendoingthatonewrongforyears.
5. I’m obsessed with my ex-girlfriend Nadia, even though I’ve never dated a girl named Nadia. Although I’d like to.
6. I’m “bad girl hot”.
7. My body isn’t a temple. It’s more like an old amusement park that’s an intricate part of a horror movie’s plot.
8. A woman’s relationship with her gynecologist is more important than ANYTHING else.
9. There’s a scary new butt trend.
10. Kama Sutra pictures look like the illustrations on airplanes that tell you what to do in case of an emergency.
11. A certain Supervisor at Bhatpara Municipaltiy was using the comment section on a sex post as a place to meet ladies.
12. Cosmo Hint: Use lube.
13. My body language makes as much sense as Korean building instructions for a coffee table.
14. If I were a girl. I’d have bangs.
Being a woman is tough.
Featured image via bol.com