When I was 10 years old, I had straight hair and I was an absolute creep.
At school, I sat directly behind a girl named Lauren whose hair was this curly/wavy hybrid of joy — the hybrid of my dreams — and every night, I prayed to myself (I didn’t have a particularly religious upbringing) that one day I would have her hair. I also prayed — again, to myself — that Freddie Prinze, Jr. would overlook the law, geography, the law, my glaring personality flaws and the law in order to recognize his purpose in life as my husband. Guess which prayer came true!
I went through puberty and my hair got all Lauren on me, but as it turns out? Her hair is the worst. My hair is the worst. I don’t know how it lives with itself.
Like, what is it supposed to be? What is it doing? Talk about an impromptu philosophy class.
Enter the Amika Downtown Graffiti Ceramic Styler, stage left. First of all, even if you never use it, if you tilt it and prop it up just the right way, it looks like conceptual art from a senior year art student’s final project, which is the best kind of art. On the real, how fun and fresh is the design?
It heats up to 200 degrees Celsius, it has floating ceramic plates and it has a convenient nine foot cord if you also happen to live in a strange excuse for an apartment with outlets located in questionable locations. If you want to get Bill Nye about it, it radiates far-infrared heat which means nothing to me but apparently preserves moisture in the hair shaft and protects your hair cuticles from damage. According to Amika, “regular use actually results in healthier and more beautiful hair” because of this technology, which I can’t confirm for certain but I really want to believe it.
Also, I did this with it in about seven minutes:
Not pictured: Me whispering “I love you.”
I want to mention that my hair is ridiculously thick and I typically have to re-straighten every section multiple times and hope for the best, but with the Amika styler I was able to do one pass through each section and it was instantly straight. Like, 0 on the Kinsey Scale straight. Anyway, the point is that it’s like I’m 10 again. My exterior is finally in tune with my personality.
Before I used the Amika styler, however, I got down with a few other fantastic products that I’m going to keep to myself so I can keep having better hair than you. Kidding! Here they are:
It might seem a little on the pricey side, but it’s the size of a latte and the tiniest bit goes a long way. You can use it as a special treatment or as an everyday conditioner, and it’s like a multivitamin for your hair: Moroccan Argan oil! Vitamin C! Obliphica oil! Fragrance! I’m just reading ingredients at this point, but you get me. My hair always feels incredibly silky after I rinse it out, and I never even wait the full 2-3 minutes because I have things to do, man. Worth it.
I recently found out about Elan Sassoon’s line Sojourn and I am obsessed with it at the moment. The products are all sulfate and paraben free with a pH of 4.5-5.5, so there’s nothing sketchy going on in your hair. The word “sojourn” means “a temporary stay”, which is actually the most cruel thing I’ve ever heard because if these products are trying to get rid of me, I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. All of these Sojourn products also leave your hair totally touchable and soft, so there’s none of that stiff crunchy nonsense happening that makes you feel like an outdated candy bar.
Protecting your hair from heat (why so serious, 200 degrees Celsius?) is really important, and Sojourn’s Thermal Protection Straightener smoothes out your hair and it’s super defensive by closing your hair’s cuticles to guard its health and color from heat.
The Serum Smooth is one of the best smoothing serums I’ve ever used — it helps me lie about how shiny and smooth my hair naturally is, but it also doesn’t leave any greasy residue hanging out on my head like a lot of other brands tend to.
Lastly, the Volume Gel is yet another new favorite product of mine. You can use it on wet or dry hair get the volume you want in seconds. The best part is that I didn’t even need hairspray. Fact: I haven’t gone without hairspray by choice in 3 years.
Potential drawback: I’ve been petting my hair for the last hour and now my hand is tired. You win some, you lose some.