Broke and Single Smoking Cigarettes is the Ultimate Deal Breaker Alec Banks

I’m from Chicago, where vices are commonplace and hang to people’s beer bellies and muffin tops internally, much like icicles dance off rooftops during winter months. Fallopian tubes from expectant mothers pump out deep dish-laden desires to waiting infants, ensuring a lifetime of always wanting melted cheese at an arm’s length away. I understand desire. I get jonesing for verbing nouns better than the next guy. What I don’t understand is allowing smoking to be one of those little forbidden pleasures. Of all the bad things to decide to start doing, smoking rolled Ford Pinto mufflers is the absolute worst.

Like all things in my life, everything comes back to the matters of the heart- my heart, to be exact (wanna borrow it?). My days involve daydreaming about ladies of various colors, shapes, sizes and sports allegiances that I hope one day will overrun my ventricles with the ferocity at which Princess Buttercup captured Westley’s ideas of true love – so long as she doesn’t smoke. I know it’s not polite or politically correct to have preconceived feelings about people for addictions, it’s just that smoking is one of those habits that ruins other people’s lives who have decided to steer clear of chugging vapors like they were the Ghostbuster’s proton packs.

With legislation and smoke bans at an all-time high, places like bars and restaurants allow for an environment where non-smokers no longer feel like the lepers of the bunch. With no choice but to head outside for a smoke, inner domiciles now smell more like progress than Don Draper’s lapels. But here’s the kicker; we’re sending that putrid stink out into the fresh air. Right, we’ve made the great outdoors the only place acceptable to puff a dragon that isn’t even magical.

In other circumstances, such as sneezing, coughing and other instances when noxious fluids reign from one’s mouth onto an unsuspecting person, an apology is usually in order. Yet, it seems that people who smoke make a concerted effort to bathe those around them in smoke like they were bombing them for bedbugs. People should consider puffing cigs like blowing smoke up someone’s ass: don’t do it. But if you must, don’t blow it up mine. I can fully see and smell your dirty habit.

This isn’t a rant so much as it is a plea to the funny, independent and sassy ladies who frequent these parts: put down the cigarette and pick up another distasteful vice that can be enjoyed by the people around you. May I suggest:

- Becoming an obsessive compulsive baker until you’ve got chocolate chip cookie calluses and your entire house smells like an apple tart. Be the cat lady, but instead of cats, have créme brúlée.

- Take up a strict juice diet… then don’t tell anyone about it.

- Watch The Wire for the first time and see your group of friends grow exponentially grow.

- Talk in cockney accent and call everyone guv’na.

- Pick up the Pixie Sticks.  Put down the Menthols.

- Google where all the members of All That are right now.

People heed “No Smoking” signs like they’re suggestions from the Bubble Gum Police or a decree from the Lollypop Guild. Go to any outdoor coffee shop with signs fixed to the wall indicating the ban of smoke, and watch as tall and grande consumers puff away. If I’m going to pay four dollars for a cup of coffee, you’re damn sure I’m gonna wanna taste the conflict coffee beans instead of your “extra foam” cig spray. Smokers should have gotten the memo by now: we like you as people, we don’t particularly like you as pollutants.

Woman smoking image via Shutterstock

comments

Please help us maintain positive conversations by refraining from posting spam, advertisements, and links to other websites or blogs. we reserve the right to remove your comment if it does not adhere to these guidelines. thanks! post a comment.

  1. If you don’t like smokers, don’t date a smoker. Pretty simple.

  2. I’m not going to comment on smoking itself, because that’s a more complex opinion than I’d like to share in a comment, but hey, the “No Smoking” sign near the outdoor tables? In many cases, and at least in my workplace, it’s there because it’s the LAW. I’m a hostess and when I get assigned outside as the greeter, I am next to the outdoor tables and some people get offended when I tell them they can’t smoke there and they don’t believe me when I tell them the reason. I’ve gotten yelled at for coming up to someone quietly, shyly and extremely politely to tell them they can’t smoke there. Hey, I have my own vices, but I make sure to enjoy them legally. Of course, I’m not speaking for all smokers here, because I also get people that are very apologetic and quickly ask me where they can go to smoke, but I just don’t get the people that need me to explain to them six times that not only will WE get fined, but THEY will get fined. Someone actually yelled at me across the street once, even after I explained the law, that that’s not the way to treat a customer and she was too tired to stand up to move somewhere else to smoke so she was going to continue smoking and I could call the police if I wanted to. I wish I would have.

  3. Even though I realize this is supposed to be poking fun a bit, I find it incredibly judgmental and ignorant. As a smoker, I can assure you my goal isn’t to blow smoke all over nonsmokers. You know what the difference between smokers and nonsmokers is? Smokers don’t care that you don’t smoke. As you said, with smoking bans at an all-time high, where do you expect us to smoke if not outside? Are you proposing that every single smoker needs to quit because you don’t like it? It’s a personal decision and everyone has their vices and reasons for their vices. If you don’t want to date a smoker, then don’t, this doesn’t mean you have to write a condescending post that ends in calling smokers “pollutants”. You also referenced that nonsmokers are no longer “lepers”…smokers have been the “lepers”, not nonsmokers. More people judge and criticize smokers than anyone else. For some reason people think it’s okay to just walk up to someone with a cigarette and hand out medical advice…..should I start walking up to obese people at McDonalds and tell them to stop eating before they get diabetes or heart disease? Obviously that would be incredibly inconsiderate. I’m not trying to be negative, I just found this post very insulting.

  4. I really don’t understand why smoking has such a stigma as compared to other unhealthy habits. I mean, everyone knows that fast food is terrible for you, but we all still eat it at least occasionally, don’t we? I smoke, but I understand why nonsmokers don’t want to be around it (heck, even I hate the taste and smell). But there’s no need to adopt the superior attitude that many nonsmokers seem to have. Yeah, it’s bad for me. Yeah, I’m probably cutting my life short by a lot. But I enjoy it, it relaxes me, and (believe it or not) I’m not hurting anyone else by doing it, so leave me to my vices, eh? On that note, I hereby solemnly swear never to make a concerted effort to bathe those around me in smoke like I am bombing them for bedbugs, or smoke in a crowded place where smoking is banned, because that’s just freakin’ rude.

    • on the same page! don’t you think i see the nasty stares i get when i smoke outside my work? i huddle in a corner so your child doesn’t get a 0.001 ounce of dispersed smoke from my murderous cancer stick of fire. Please just let me have my moment of peace, so i don’t bite your whiny head off because something you want isn’t on sale this week. geez.

  5. I agree with all of this post. The people who feel offended by it are just trying to convince themselves of why it is OK for them to keep smoking, and feel better about it, because deep inside they know it is hurting them and how unhealthy it is. And also, when people say the author is chauvinistic because he apparently wants women to be like he wants us to be cracks me up. I think you should read his other articles so you can get his tone and humor. And his suggestions of alternative vices are completely hilarious!! Whoever reads into them WAY more than they should are even more hilarious! I’m a woman, I’m a feminist, but I don’t feel like taking every single suggestion a guy makes as a command, and much less feel insulted by them, specially if it was meant to exagerate a point in a tongue- in- cheek manner . Lighten up!! Good post!! I also don’t like people smoking in my face! YUCK!

  6. Everyone that still smokes and knows the downfalls always says that I can quit when I want. Why continue burning your lungs? You stink. You stink when you walk into the room. By the time you start not to reek of tobacco and tar, its time to go back outside and then return to foul up my nostrils. I smoked for 6 years and having been smoke free for about a year now, even the smell of a cigarette makes me want to hurl. I breathe better, I feel better. It’s not the same or lesser than a pill. It causes alot more damage than a pill. How about instead of self medicating you self appreciate a bit more, and you wont need to medicate.

  7. I am 3+ weeks smoke-free. I have quit 2 other times prior to this. I have always had a love-hate relationship with smoking. I enjoyed smoking, but hated the smell, taste, stigma and health-risks. I truly believe the author was posting a tongue-in-cheek plea to the smokers out there and not being a chauvinist. I, however, have another plea….don’t be disillusioned about the ability to quit. It has nothing to do with how often or how much you smoke; it is why you smoke. There are so many alternatives to chemical anti-anxiety aids that do not have lasting effects on your body or the environment. Be healthy and happy, everyone!

    PS….YAY me! I am smoke-free!!!!

  8. I’m 100% behind this, I wouldn’t date a smoker for the same reasons I wouldn’t date someone who was morbidly obese – they’re a bad long-term investment! If I’m going to have a future with someone I want that person to be likely to be able to enjoy a long active retirement with me, and not be too sick to travel. I *know* sometimes shit happens and healthy people get cancer or are injured and become disabled. But why not date someone who’s less likely to get horribly ill and/or die?
    I’m not heartless, it’s because I care too much that I can’t date someone who is poisoning themselves (for whatever reason).
    Also, I don’t think smokers know how truly disgusting the smell of cigarettes is.

  9. i get the sentiment, but the fact that this post is about a dude telling ladies to stop smoking SO THEY WILL BE MORE ACCEPTED BY HIM AND OTHER MEN is really demeaning. fine, give us the medical reasons, how it will empower us as women, that’s great, but why do you have to make it about LADIES BEING GOOD ENOUGH FOR DUDES???? why does that have to be the focus? and what’s up with the suggestions? it’s like they’re supposed to be cute and quirky things for ladies to do and THEY ACTUALLY JUST SUCK. baking all the time? what the fuck am i, a 50′ housewife??? i like to bake occasionally, but it’s not fucking healthy to be constantly baking shit unless you feed it to other people, and i can’t imagine a tart isn’t going to slip in every time you bake a ton of them. plus, most modern ladies do not have the time or money for an obsessive baking habit. i know this article is supposed to be “funny,” but it’s just…ugh. also, baking all the time/eating that stuff and picking up PIXIE STICKS will give you DIABETES. let’s see, do i want diabetes, or do i want lung cancer? not such an easy decision anymore…and what the hell is this juice diet thing? and not telling anyone? is it supposed to be a jab at the fact that you believe women constantly follow trends and need to tell everyone they are engaging in them? ugh. why not suggest something healthy and fulfilling for your quirky, intelligent future-ladyfriend to do? how about taking up a new team sport? experiment with cooking some new cuisine inspired by locally grown foods to support your community? start growing delicious herbs in a windowbox garden? actually GET A CAT (there is nothing wrong with actually being a cat lady to a certain degree)? learn a new instrument and make some awesome music? there are so many things to do out there that can make a lady happier with herself and cooler/healthier that can replace smoking to release some endorphins. if the author was actually serious, maybe he’d do better to spend some time giving ladies constructive things to do instead of simply ridiculing them for not being his perfect idea of a mate.

  10. Look, i am a young working single mother. @sethbrown is right. I’m not going to mess up all my brain chemicals for the slight anxiety i feel once in a while, when smoking doesn’t hurt my judgement like pills and puff the magic dragon will do. i don’t smoke 3 packs a day, i still smoke only a pack a week, depending on which day is the most stressful. when i find happiness and success and my stress load is exponentially lower, then i’ll happily stop. i’m not going to give up the 7 minutes of peace a camel menthol gives me for pills i don’t need (which is the reason i left my baby’s father, because cigarettes became the least of his problems).. if you don’t wanna date me, then fine but know that i know the dangers and i don’t do it to look cool, and i know i can stop when i want to, i don’t abuse it, and i didn’t smoke for the 9 months i was pregnant. It’s the only vice i have, and i don’t think i’m an ugly or bad person for doing it. Also know, I love the Princess Bride and know every line and I do break out in different British accents throughout the day, I’m quirky and intelligent and living my life to the fullest and if i had time for the other vice breakers, I’d do those too.
    i suggest you go out there and make a sexy smoker lady’s life by giving her a reason not to smoke anymore ;)

  11. I don’t smoke. *Wink, wink*

    Actually, I’m a pompous, hoity toity ex-smoker. If I see you smoke, and if I smell smoke on you…I will judge you like I’ve never took a drag in my life. I admit, I’m a hypocrite. Side Note: You know what else is pompous? Man Lions.

  12. Smoking is a form of self-medicating. It does the same job as anti-anxiety meds. That’s why people do it. It’s more addictive, and MAYBE worse health-wise because… What? You didn’t think those anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds didn’t come with a cost did you? Stay on them and you will DEFINITELY get Tardive Dyskenisia (involuntary tongue lashing. It’s a long-term side effect that they don’t have to tell you about), you may get bone weakening, liver problems, weight gain or loss, etc. So it’s not that people “decide” to start, they feel the need to. The question is, why do we feel the need to?

  13. lamas go to heaven and goats go to hell