Six Things I Learned From Christmas Songs

I love Christmas music. The songs always put me in the holiday mood (with the exception of ‘The Christmas Shoes’, which immediately makes me start sobbing). The best part is that there are only a handful of songs so it’s easy to know the words to all of them. Like all great songs, there is an important lesson to be learned through the lyrics. These are some of the valuable lessons I have learned through Christmas music.

Winter Wonderland

“In the meadow we can build a snowman

Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

He’ll say, “Are you married?”

We’ll say “No man,

But you can do the job when you’re in town”

 

If you build a snowman and give him the name Parson Brown he will also be granted the ability to marry you.

…even though he is made of water vapor that has been frozen into ice crystals, and he probably has old twigs in place of arms.

Frosty The Snowman

“He was made of snow but the children

Know how he came to life one day”

 

Snowmen come to life.

Does this not terrify anyone else? I know that as a child, there were only two things I was afraid of: monsters and getting into trouble. Somehow this song incorporates both of those fears. First, the children and Frosty are stopped by a traffic cop while running through the streets. I’m happy to say a cop has never pulled me over while driving and the last thing I would want is for a traffic cop to call after me because I am running around with some kind of snow monster.

Second, clearly the line “but the children know how he came to life one day” implies that the adults won’t believe you. I don’t want to be accused of lying about an incredible adventure I had. Although, this adventure would be far from incredible because I’m with a snowman who has come to life.

Has no one addressed that Frosty is a snowmonster? The name Frosty sounds just like a nickname a local newspaper would assign to a serial killer. You know that killer who has been running around town putting his victims into those walk-in refrigerators you see at Costco? He is known as Frosty the Snowmanmonster

Twelve Days of Christmas

“On the Twelfth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Twelve drummers drumming

Eleven pipers piping

Ten lords a-leaping

Nine ladies dancing

Eight maids a-milking

Seven swans a-swimming

Six geese a-laying

Five golden rings

Four calling birds

Three french hens

Two turtle doves

and a partridge in a pear tree”

The best gifts you can receive are gifts that are distributed over twelve days and increase in quantity.

I know Beyonce has said “if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it”, but I would have to disagree. How about FIVE golden rings and a large assortment of birds? Now that’s a Christmas present.

Christmas Wrappings- The Waitresses

“So on with the boots, back out in the snow

To the only all-night grocery,

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

In the line is that guy I’ve been chasing all year!”

The boy I have been chasing all year will be mine as long as I spend Christmas alone, and go shopping for canned goods at a 24-hour grocery on Christmas night.

This is my all time favorite Christmas song. It doesn’t feel like Christmas until I am waiting in line to buy gifts and I hear this song come over Target’s speakers. Plus, I like to believe that this song is the greatest love story ever told.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

“Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you’re sleeping

He knows when you’re awake”

 

Santa Claus is a Creep.

Hmm a man who is determining if my behavior is good or bad and is watching me all the time? I had no idea George Orwell’s, Big Brother was loosely based on Ol’ Saint Nick. (In all honesty though, my only beef with Santa Claus is that he is watching me sleep. I am a really ugly sleeper. I love Santa, he can creep all he wants.)

 

Let It Snow

“Oh the weather outside is frightful

But the fire is so delightful”

Fire is delightful.

In the reality created in his popular song, fire is delightful. FIRE. You know that red and yellow stuff that consumes whatever is in its path? Unbeknownst to me, it’s apparently a delight.

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