Contemporary inventors have it rough. Not only have most of the best ideas already been thought up, but any new products inventors do manage to develop are immediately regulated to late night television infomercials. Each of these ads starts with a preposterous scenario where someone struggles at an everyday task that any normal, functioning person would never have a problem with. Then the commercial does its best to convince you that you, too, are crippled by this mild inconvenience. I might never buy the products, but I love laughing at the pitches.
6. Clever Clasp
Who is it for? People who struggle to put on jewelry.
Why do I love it? The narrator subtly suggesting that overweight women can’t reach behind their own necks. Oh, please.
Why am I skeptical? Adding clunky magnets to your expensive jewelry doesn’t seem like a classy addition. Plus, if the magnets are as strong as the ad suggests, it could become a choking hazard if you got too close to a refrigerator.
5. Listen Up
Who is it for? Elderly people who have never been introduced to a hearing aid.
Why do I love it? Evidently, strangers constantly talk about how sexy you are, and now you’ll finally have a chance to hear it.
Why am I skeptical? If your spouse is regularly screaming at you, would you really want that noise amplified? I’d rather give up hearing altogether.
Who is it for? Apparent Satanists who find using a blanket to be too difficult.
Why do I love it? The lack of shame people have toward wearing blankets in public. The mother who is so cold she wears a Snuggie, yet leaves her baby un-Snuggied and exposed to the elements.
Why am I skeptical? I thought I found one in my closet, but it turned out I had just put my bathrobe on backwards.
3. Tiddy Bear
Who is it for? Brittle people who can’t handle wearing a seat belt.
Why do I love it? It’s called what?! Ah, T-I-D-D-Y, thanks for spelling that for me. This bear miraculously relieves seat belt pressure on any part of your body. Rest it against your shoulder – or atop your tiddies.
Why am I skeptical? A bead-filled bear pressed against your body doesn’t sound any more comfortable than the alternative. Also, I suspect that driving around with a stuffed animal on your chest leaves you that much more susceptible to being pulled over for drunk driving.
2. My Lil’ Reminder
Who is it for? Forgetful, illiterate people who can’t use a pen and paper.
Why do I love it? The acting in this ad is especially superb. I think I once saw the lady who flatly delivers the opening line, “Where did I park my car? Oh no.” on Broadway.
Why am I skeptical? Though a technological upgrade for the post-it note is a godsend, what do I do when I forget where I put my My Lil’ Reminder? Perhaps that’s why they send you a second one for free, so one can be used to keep tabs on the location of the other.
1. Comfort Wipe
Who is it for? People whose hands slip while wiping and – quite literally – wind up doing a number on themselves.
Why do I love it? The lady who claims to now have “dignity” after admitting that someone used to help her wipe her bottom.
Why am I skeptical? If your motor skills prevent you from wiping well, why would you be any better at controlling a stick? What’s to stop you from accidentally sodomizing yourself?