Single Girls Guide Part 7 Erin Foster

I feel like a lot of girls out there like to complain about all the losers they’ve dated in the past, and about what awful luck they’ve had in relationships. I’d like to address this issue directly to you ladies with the disclaimer that I used to be one myself.

The thing you seem to always overlook is that the common denominator in these guys is YOU, the girl who put up with them! You’re the theme that runs through them. You picked them. You begged them to pose for photo booth pictures with you, and to put hearts next to your name in their iPhone.

You saw the warning signs early on, but chose to ignore them. It’s because as women we think we have the ability to change someone. We think it’s our DUTY to change them. We make excuses for why they aren’t treating us the way we want to be treated, while simultaneously letting them know we’ll put up with anything. We don’t see these warnings for what they are, we see them as personal challenges. It’s why I’ve noticed a surge in guys playing “The No Game Game”.

If a guy comes to you and says he’s not really looking for a relationship, and he doesn’t want to hurt you and he thinks sleeping together might complicate things, you are in shock. The idea that he’s being honest and willing to lose possible nakedness as a result doesn’t fit into everything you’ve grown to understand about men. The awareness that he’s not trying to sleep with you, kinda just makes you want to sleep with him.

You feel compelled to prove that you can have fun and not fall in love. You also immediately assume that you can change his mind. Once he sees you in that one dress, and meets your friends, and eats your famous spaghetti bolognese, he’ll be hooked. He’ll obviously feel what you already feel. The sincerity of his intentions is almost offensive actually. You’re so accustomed to giving a guy a list of reasons why you shouldn’t sleep with him, and now he’s not even trying?

Your dad never warned you about this tactic. So you end up submerging yourself in a bubbly bath of denial and forging ahead with the plan that at some point you’ll come up with a plan. And then when he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, you’re pissed and you only have yourself to blame!  The guy is stoked, he got laid and has nothing to feel guilty about because he did everything right. He didn’t play you, YOU played you! This is my point; stop blaming the dude for all your problems and take a look at how you got yourself here. While you’re whining about how terrible your ex boyfriend was, we’re wondering why you chose to stay with him for two years. We don’t believe it when a guy says something we don’t want to hear. We just turn it into what we assume he’s trying to say.

Someone once told me the simplest way to get into a good relationship is to believe what the person is saying to you. Ok fine, it was my therapist. But it’s true. He says he isn’t ready for a relationship? Believe him. He says he never wants kids? Believe him. We make things so much more complicated than they need to be. How many women do you know who have a big complaint in their relationship like that he doesn’t want to get married? And how many of those women admit that he told them he wouldn’t want to right from the beginning? Like, all of em! You don’t need to tap dance and rearrange your life to get someone to fit into it. Stick to your guns. Take responsibility for your choices. There are no victims, only volunteers. My friend Josh said that to me tonight and I thought, that’s the perfect ending to this post!

Featured Image via Dressed2KillSort on DeviantArt

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  1. You’re right, but, look, I wait for that match too long, I am ready to loose my single life for some action, some journey from God. And about children – some can reconsider.

  2. And then there are those times you believe exactly what they tell you and they’re lying. I think I’m just going to join a convent instead of trying to continually misread the situation :)

  3. “the only thing you can change about a man is his clothes.” my step-mom reminds me of this often, and they are words to live by!

  4. This is sexist, victim blaming bull shit.

  5. Erin I just wanted to let you know that I met a new guy last night and I’m trying to be rational and talk myself down from the “omgwe’reperfectforeachotherthisisit” cloud I’m on…and the first place I came was HG to find Single Girls Guide! don’t steer me wrong :)

  6. AMEN!!

  7. This is absolutely fantastic! I adore you!

  8. but what do you do when from the beginning the guy was telling you that you two would be together for the long haul and you are everything he looks for in someone and just before sharing 1 year together he says hes no longer interested in a relationship?

    • okay, that’s tough. that isn’t the scenario i’m referring to of course and i’m so sorry if that happened to you. I think the general message is just not to put him into a position to have so much power over you. If you keep your life full with other things then if a relationship fails is doesn’t feel like our whole life crumbles. You deserve the best. xo

  9. I could not have read this at a more opportune time. Love when life’s funny coincidences happen like that.

  10. Last line about victims is the best quote of heard in long time…..!

  11. I LOVE YOU ERIN! I forward your stuff to my friend who i’m kinda life-coaching…it’s perfect for her! and all of us, really :)

  12. bravo for not coddling women of our age and making them take some responsibility. the only articles you ever read are excusing the behavior of women because men do this, and men are this way. it takes two to tango! always.

  13. I love Single Girls Guide. unfortunately I can relate to this!

  14. Urgh, why oh why is getting married so important to some people?? It is just a piece of paper! I don’t feel any more committed to my boyfriend than I would if I were married. Make sure you have your arse covered, especially if there are children involved or in case of illness, and be happy.

  15. Oh the red flags we ignore, it’s too bad that the first couple relationships we have don’t come with a beginners manual. First chapter: Red flag means run, fast!

  16. Wow, I feel like you wrote that directly too me. Best Single Girls Guide yet!

  17. Erin, this is awesome. Unfortunately, so many girls would deny this in a heartbeat, and never get over it (I know quite a few who are still making excuses for their boy toys, and it makes me sad). But thank you for posting this! Girl power!

  18. wow. SO true! once again, you’re a genius and my fav blogger on HG! maybe you can start posting twice a week?? :-)

  19. Your therapist totally stole that from Maya Angelou via Oprah. :) It’s possibly the best lesson anyone can learn though.

    “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
    — Maya Angelou

    It’s so tempting, as a woman and a Cancer, to want to nurture and fix someone, but it just never turns out well when they’ve already told you up front exactly why it will never work.

  20. Ahmen sister. You are MY new therapist.

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