Single Girls Guide Part 5

I used to be obsessed with watching Patti Stanger’s Millionaire Matchmaker. Getting to witness two people on their first date is addicting. Getting to witness people gauging their chemistry with someone else, seeing the awkward stumble through small talk, and holding on to the hope that it will work out for them even though we know it won’t. Anyway, the show absolutely fell apart and became Bravo’s version of the infamous show we all used to watch, “Blind Date.”  Blind Date was all about watching people who hate each other get stuck on a date. Millionaire Matchmaker is like that now. It’s like, let’s take the biggest creep who barely qualifies for this show with his one point two mil and have him take a twenty two year-old vegetarian to a local pig farm for hotdogs. We watch for the disaster, not the happy ending. After a while I get tired of waitng for the disaster. It bores me. If I want to see a disaster, I’ll go to a wedding and listen to the girls in the bathroom who are drunk and peeing and crying. That’s real life. Until then, here’s a list of ways to avoid being a disaster.


  • Drink less at weddings
  • Hang out with fewer people who are getting married. They’re trying to ruin your life
  • Close out tabs on your computer for adoption agencies before letting someone use your computer
  • Don’t go on Millionaire Matchmaker
  • Get a job (single or not, this is just important)
  • Occasionally bring someone other than your gay to special events
  • Have a grown up e-mail address without numbers in it
  • Stop arguing that the movie is as good as the book. You’re wrong.
  • It might be time to stop saying OMG in a verbal conversation
  • If you’ve been nominated for #HumbleBrag more than twice, you don’t deserve to have friends


Just get it together. We can’t live like this anymore.

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