The other day I went to have lunch at Le Pain Quotidian and the waiter came up to me and said, “You’re not with your mom today?” It made me realize that I might hang out with my mom too much. We have to be careful not to become too predictable. As soon as someone says, “the usual?” it’s time to broaden your taste. When someone says “Why didn’t I see you at the party last night?” it means that people assume if there is any social event happening, you will obviously be there. These are great ways to make sure you stay alone.
Here are some other ways that you can be sure to stay alone for a while longer:
– Talking about meditation at several points in a conversation
– Tweeting things like, “I’m lonely.”
– Telling people the names of your future children (you love to do that)
– Passive aggressively getting a date to look at your baby pictures
– Eating tuna sandwiches
– Bragging about how you only drink water when you’re taking your meds
– Kissing your parents on the lips
– Displaying any bumper sticker on your car or having a personalized license plate
– Referencing Harry Potter while giving sincere advice
– Letting someone find your prenatal pills and using the excuse that you’re taking them because it makes your hair and nails healthy. No one’s buyin’ it honey. You’re looking to trick someone into being your baby daddy and I totally support it.
Cancel your subscription to horoscopes.com because there’s a new life coach in town.
Erin Foster is an actress and comedy writer who was born and raised in Los Angeles. She writes the popular blog TotallyConfidentAndCompletelyInsecure.Com. Her twitter is @efosta