Single Girls Guide 23
by Erin Foster
I’m going to say something very controversial; I think that men are happier than women.
I’ll tell you what I notice. Often, when you ask a guy how he’s doing he’ll say something like, “Ya know, I can’t complain.”And when I hear that and he’s looking at me to nod and agree, I’m like, “No, I don’t know. There’s a ton of s**t to complain about.” For starters, even though no one wants to admit it to me, I’m clearly five pounds overweight. Then there’s the obvious, which is that I’m not with child. And don’t get me started on my neighbor who keeps leaving me notes saying that I’m the only person in my building who doesn’t decorate her door for holidays.
Girls like to complain. People have been letting us do it for a really long time. Guys have been rolling their eyes and training their ears to lower the volume of our voices for just as long. The thing is, since we’re so used to complaining, we’re basically tallying up all the things we are unhappy about in our minds, dying for someone to ask us what is wrong so that we can passionately go through the list to them. Most of the time when a guys says, “What’s up?” he is not prepared for the answer he is about to get. Like, we have to take a deep breath and a sip of water before we unleash our fury about twenty things he doesn’t care about. Guys are like, “Um… I’m not hungry, horny or homeless. So, my life is basically perfect.”
Not to completely throw my fellow girls under the bus – I will say that occasionally there are real things we are complaining about. Things that are valid and rational. You lose your job, a grandparent who always made you feel special dies, you get dumped, you’re working hard and still having trouble keeping the cable on… life is not easy. And quite honestly, the people who have everything handed to them are not usually any happier. I think that our tendency to complain keeps us stuck in a shitty place that makes us unhappy. I also think it’s a core reason why you’re single.
There are basic needs that you will have in a relationship. You need them met in a friendship and you need them met in a marriage. Those needs are different for everyone but range from trust, honesty and support to laughing at the same jokes, getting along with your friends and being excited about Christmas. Everyone’s needs are important, but honestly, the list shouldn’t be too long. I’m talking BASIC needs. Once you find someone who has those immediate qualities that you think will perfectly suit you, you have to be willing to let a lot of other things go. Like, A LOT of other things.
You want him to be strong enough to make you feel safe, but sensitive enough to be comfortable when you’re crying. And to open your door so that you feel special, but respect that you could open it for yourself if you damn well pleased because you’re an independent woman. He needs to be pleasant when you take him to social events around people he doesn’t know, but then be happy to stay in on weekend nights when you feel like it. He should be friendly with your parents, but agree with you when you tell him how insane they are. He should never diss your friends, but also never ever say they’re attractive. He should tell you how much he loves your body, but not make you feel like he loves it so much that if you put on fifteen pounds he would hate you.
It’s a fine line we make them walk. We’re nit-picky. One could even say impossible to please. A therapist once told me that when she has couples come in, the first thing she does is have them make a list of all the qualities they need their partner to have in order for them to be happy. When they finish, they think they will be handing it to the other person to post on the fridge as their personal to-do list. But instead, she would say, “Okay, look at that list. Are YOU all of those things? Is it possible for anyone to be?” She also told me that usually the men’s list would be like, “Be cool when I’m watching football. Be nice. Look like you enjoy having sex with me.” And the women’s list would be both sides of the page and with a list that basically said, “BE PERFECT. THANK YOU”
You run into your girlfriend at the grocery store and ask her how her relationship is going… Most girls will say a version of, “Oh yeah, me and Jason are great. I mean he pees all over the seat, is always on his phone and could be richer, but ya know… I can’t complain”.
Featured image via Trada
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11.02.2011 |
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Yes !!! Really !!!!! Good !!! Women should learn to be less demanding , perfection & to turn off the brain sometimes … Don’t worry be happy !!!
Agreeeeeeeeee!
Hey, Erin! I loved this, I love everything you write. It’s like you’re in my mind, saying the things I’ve been thinking, or the things I needed to hear. You’re so good!
I’d like to make a point, or two. Two, actually. 1) Sometimes, just sometimes, complaining is good. It helps getting the crap out of your system. When you’re frustrated, there’s nothing better than throwing a fit; it lets the pressure out and helps you get a new perspective. 2) One of my personal motos is : “Happiness is a matter of attittude”. There will never be a time when you won’t have some sort of problem, more or less serious. If you concentrate on the crisis and wait for everything to be perfect before you can say you’re happy, that will never happen. You have to find a bright side to everything. You have to at least try to. It’s sort of like the half-full glass thing, you have to decide that you want to be happy and simply let nothing stop from doing that =)
I completely agree.
I agree that sometimes it’s hard to not complain about the little things that annoy and agitate us every day. I find myself thinking of perfect scenarios and when things don’t work out the way I picutred, getting really upset and frustrated. It’s important for me to try to keep things in perspective — and when I get too whiny, think about all the awesome stuff going on in my life (or maybe not awesome, but just not terrible) and how blessed I am to be where I am. Then I find my list of things to complain about dwindles to about nothing. OK, so maybe the gross ugly bruise on my shin is still annoying, but it’s not like it’s cancer.
Also, Oprah’s old trick of making a list of things I’m thankful for is probably the best antitode to getting a little to nitpicky and complainy.
Yes!
“Trust, honesty and support…laughing at the same jokes, getting along with your friends and being excited about Christmas.”
This would be my perfect relationship. =]
Haha! I was thinking the same thing!
Ugh, mine too!
you’re so right!
about three years ago, I noticed that one of my close guy friends would always say “I can’t complain” when I asked him how he was and I was like “you know, I gotta learn to say that and shut the F up, cause really, what do I have to complain about?”… I’m still working on it.
As long as you’re trying… keep it up!
I agree with this 100% ….girls complain alot – most of the time causing their own problems. Though, I think that guys complain just as much, if not more … It’s just not about personal feelings and internal turmoil… I feel that most of them nit pick about other people and how they live their lives… Or how their having difficulty finding the thing that will make their name live on forever. Barf.
It’s true i definitely judged them as a whole and some are very complainy. I’m just pointing out where we need to get better, and they can go their own single GUY’S guide!
I am proud to say that I mastered the “you know, I can’t complain” response years ago. And honestly, I really can’t. I have this nasty little personality trait that allows me to talk myself out of being upset about anything. I say it is a nasty little trait because sometimes I wish I could just go off on a tangent…just once.
We are all envious of you!
This is funny, because a number of years back I was on a dating site, and there was this woman who, while on the positive side of average looking, wouldn’t have been serious competition in a beauty pageant. Then she described herself and her personality, and what she expects – in terms of looks and body, annual salary (She didn’t mention job, so I guess as long as he hit her minimum prequisite he could be an assassin, or even a member of congress.), personality, and likes and dislikes- of any man interested in contacting her. AND she bitchily indicated that any less ‘need not waste [her] time.’ I read her profile and laughed. It was too bad I was at the FREE browsing level, not the PAID contact level, because I so wanted to message her and tell her in no uncertain terms, “Lady, if your friends approved this profile, they’re not your friends, because no man with the qualifications you’re demanding would SETTLE on you! …and if you were so damn special you wouldn’t need to be on an online dating site to begin with.” I should point out that this was back when large scale online dating was only a couple of years old, when users usually fell into the three categories of SHY, SUPER BUSY, and DESPERATE.
No one likes an inflated sense of self. gross.
So… I totally look for these Single Girl posts all week… Usually they’re topics my friends and I are already talking about, like we’ve been looking over our shoulders to see if you’ve been stalking us or have us wired… that’s how relevant it is… Keep up the Awesomeness Girl! <3
I agree completely! Complaining whether you’re going through something or not usually doesn’t get you anywhere. The brutal truth is usually no one cares unless it is, like what you said you lose a job, someone dies, etc. Other than that People don’t care to listen, myself included, sorry if I sound like a mad bitch but it’s the truth. =/ . Personally I like to use the law of attraction. So my thinking on it is the more I complain the more negativity I bring in my life. The more I praise what I have and enjoy it the more I bring in.
I think once guys understand why women complain the way they do, we’re a lot better at being empathetic. A very dear friend of mine calls me from time to time because she needs to vent about a problem at work (we work in the same type of job). I understand that she needs to talk things out with someone who understands the lingo in order to come to her own solution to the problem. She’s not calling to get any answers from me. And I’m fine with that. I know that my listening and empathy are all she needs from me. In fact, sometimes she calls and the first words out of her mouth are, “I need you to be my girlfriend right now!” I understand what she means, so it’s fine. I’m glad I can be there for her.
Im in the place where I am working on finding a balance between complaining and letting things slide. I have dated alot of douchy guys and let them get away with things and said i didnt need things in return due to not wanting to be “that girl.” what i have realized is though, that yes you are right, we should have a list, but it needs to reasonable because we as human beings matter and deserve nothing but respect but have to remember that nobody is perfect but in love its called making compromises and I think reasonable ones at that. That is why I have learned that though I need trust, respect, and honesty, what i really need is COMMUNICATION. the second that is out all the window, the first things i listed dont matter. Right now I have decided to stay single. One because I am trying to focus on me and making my dreams come true and two because there are things that i need to work on before i can be in a healthy relationship. And one of those things is (haha) communicating. It if terrifying to tell someone how you feel, to be vunerable, but its utterly important in a relationship. And I think that is one is confident and love themselves it becomes easier to say what they feel and need. I am usually so scared of causing conflict and confrontation but sometimes fighting can be heathly, it shows u care and hopefully can talk it out. So all in all my list is narrowed down to COMMUNICATION and I think if that happens everything else will fall into place.
This is how I feel about this situation; Men act as though they aren’t picky but I think the real difference here is that women are more willing to voice their complaints and get things off their chest than men. I know men that complain just as much as women if not more.
Generalizing men vs. women is unfair and opens up a whole world of gender debates.
I think the most important message in this blog is just count your blessings, stop complaining, look at what’s wrong with you before you point fingers at your spouse and be honest with yourself and others.
I am proud to be a woman. I complain, I talk too much and men are impossible.
PMA ladies…PMA
I am mos def too picky. It’s a hard habit to shake, honestly.
Oddly, my wife is the one often telling me to let things go when I get annoyed with minor stuff and start complaining. We both complain about stuff, to others and one another. I do feel that pressure to keep my mouth shut around certain people though. They’re usually the ones that will tell me to “man up” and just deal. God, I hate that phrase. “Man up.” Sheesh….
not to complain, but i disagree with this article completely. i usually love your articles and think you are so on-key, but i’m really disappointed with this.
If you love somebody it is easier to forgive (my mother’s advice).
So, where do I send a question for the single girls’ guide ustream?
This was fantastic! just started reading hellogiggles.com tonight after watching zooey deschantel’s live feed and your writing style and ideas caught my attention the most out of the 20+ bloggers I have read tonight (bored). I have never been one for words or for expressing my opinions/views in any way but you seem to have captured everything that I have ever wanted to say and everything I have ever thought (started reading your totallyconfidentandcompletelyinsecure.com blog) so just wanted to say thanks for that!!
Sincerely, your completely random fan from NY