Single Girls Guide 22

There has been a lot of talk in my friend circle in the past week about different rules that apply when courting someone, dating them, trying to get them to like you. Mostly in terms of texting rules. Now, I know this is a bit of a tired subject to be writing about, like the way that social media has changed dating blah blah, but I do have some things to say on the subject, so just give me a chance to entice you with my incredibly special view on this topic.

I’ve discovered, with the help of my dear intelligent friend Sophia (she makes me say that), that it is a lot easier to come across like you are crazy in text form as opposed to in person. In person, we have the ability to play it cool, to say things casually, to seem like we are speaking without even really paying attention to you. It creates an allure of mystery and intrigue around us. But it is impossible to seem aloof via text, because if they are getting a message from you then you are clearly reaching out to them and they now have the ability to diss you if they feel like it. You can’t casually ask what someone is up to in a text.

Everything has its own subtext that is being read into. If you say, “Hey, what are you up to?” they read the words, “Would you like to have sex with me tonight? I’m desperate and looking for attention.” We think that, by adding certain words into the texts, we are letting you know we aren’t crazy, but it works against us. For instance, girls love to write things like, “Hey, it’s not a big deal and I’m not mad, I just want to know why you aren’t writing me back. Hope you’re good.” Just by saying it’s not a big deal means that it is a HUGE deal and ALL of your friends know you haven’t heard back from him. You saying you’re not mad means that you are effing PISSED. You hope he is good means you hope he is dead, because that’s the only excuse he could possibly have for blowing you off. And no matter what other words are used in the text to him, he is sitting at lunch with his friends watching you spiral on his phone, one carefully rehearsed message after the next, and he has now added the description “Do Not Answer” next to your name in his phone.

It’s a losing game and you have to know when to give up. Messages are different than conversations. It’s not a continuously flowing thing where you get the chance to redeem yourself and witness when something has been taken the wrong way. Because I am an incredibly secure person who is really one with the people, I’m going to give you an example of an experience that has someone in the world absolutely walking around considering me a full blown crazy person. I mentioned this story in one of my USteams so if you heard it, then you can just Facebook, Tweet, Heart and Comment on this post and stop reading from here.

Basically, I went on a few dates with this guy and I was starting to really like him. He was showing me signs of feeling the same way. He was being a gentleman, not trying to sleep with me too quick, holding my hand, giving me lots of attention and saying things such as, “I really like you”. On our third date, he brought his brother and sister-in-law along with us. I figured that meant I was IN. We kissed goodnight and I never heard from him again.

Three weeks went by and I decided to be a grown up and send him a text to see what happened and why I hadn’t heard from him. I was in traffic and not caffeinated yet, and didn’t seek approval from my friends before sending. For some reason I’ll never know, I decided to write, “What happened to us?” Now, in my mind I was saying to him, “Hey… what’s up, we were having a great time, what happened to us hanging out… I’m chill.. I’m cool, I just randomly thought of you and realized we hadn’t talked in a while… I’m breezy… whatevs…” But I’m sure what he read is “WHAT THE F*#K HAPPENED TO US AND OUR RELATIONSHIP AND OUR LIFE TOGETHER AND OUR FUTURE BABIES?!?!?!?!?!! I WILL MURDER YOU!”

Needless to say, I never heard back from him again. Now, where I was smart is that I also never wrote him again. What I wanted to say is, “Hey FYI, I’m not crazy.” But nothing would have made me seem MORE crazy than that. Sometimes with technology, our intentions get confused and that’s just the downfall of the digital age we live in. But you have to know when to walk away. There are people out in the world who think I’m crazy and there are probably people out there who think you are crazy, too. And no message you send them arguing the contrary will change their mind. Consider them a casualty. And a lesson.

I wonder If the new iPhone’s little personality “Siri” judges the things you text to people. Like what if she was like, “Yo bitch, you should NOT send him that.” Built in “Crazy Alarm”. Uhh, don’t try to take that idea, I’m drafting a letter to Apple, Inc. right now. I’m on it.