Single Girls Guide 22Erin Foster

There has been a lot of talk in my friend circle in the past week about different rules that apply when courting someone, dating them, trying to get them to like you. Mostly in terms of texting rules. Now, I know this is a bit of a tired subject to be writing about, like the way that social media has changed dating blah blah, but I do have some things to say on the subject, so just give me a chance to entice you with my incredibly special view on this topic.

I’ve discovered, with the help of my dear intelligent friend Sophia (she makes me say that), that it is a lot easier to come across like you are crazy in text form as opposed to in person. In person, we have the ability to play it cool, to say things casually, to seem like we are speaking without even really paying attention to you. It creates an allure of mystery and intrigue around us. But it is impossible to seem aloof via text, because if they are getting a message from you then you are clearly reaching out to them and they now have the ability to diss you if they feel like it. You can’t casually ask what someone is up to in a text.

Everything has its own subtext that is being read into. If you say, “Hey, what are you up to?” they read the words, “Would you like to have sex with me tonight? I’m desperate and looking for attention.” We think that, by adding certain words into the texts, we are letting you know we aren’t crazy, but it works against us. For instance, girls love to write things like, “Hey, it’s not a big deal and I’m not mad, I just want to know why you aren’t writing me back. Hope you’re good.” Just by saying it’s not a big deal means that it is a HUGE deal and ALL of your friends know you haven’t heard back from him. You saying you’re not mad means that you are effing PISSED. You hope he is good means you hope he is dead, because that’s the only excuse he could possibly have for blowing you off. And no matter what other words are used in the text to him, he is sitting at lunch with his friends watching you spiral on his phone, one carefully rehearsed message after the next, and he has now added the description “Do Not Answer” next to your name in his phone.

It’s a losing game and you have to know when to give up. Messages are different than conversations. It’s not a continuously flowing thing where you get the chance to redeem yourself and witness when something has been taken the wrong way. Because I am an incredibly secure person who is really one with the people, I’m going to give you an example of an experience that has someone in the world absolutely walking around considering me a full blown crazy person. I mentioned this story in one of my USteams so if you heard it, then you can just Facebook, Tweet, Heart and Comment on this post and stop reading from here.

Basically, I went on a few dates with this guy and I was starting to really like him. He was showing me signs of feeling the same way. He was being a gentleman, not trying to sleep with me too quick, holding my hand, giving me lots of attention and saying things such as, “I really like you”. On our third date, he brought his brother and sister-in-law along with us. I figured that meant I was IN. We kissed goodnight and I never heard from him again.

Three weeks went by and I decided to be a grown up and send him a text to see what happened and why I hadn’t heard from him. I was in traffic and not caffeinated yet, and didn’t seek approval from my friends before sending. For some reason I’ll never know, I decided to write, “What happened to us?” Now, in my mind I was saying to him, “Hey… what’s up, we were having a great time, what happened to us hanging out… I’m chill.. I’m cool, I just randomly thought of you and realized we hadn’t talked in a while… I’m breezy… whatevs…” But I’m sure what he read is “WHAT THE F*#K HAPPENED TO US AND OUR RELATIONSHIP AND OUR LIFE TOGETHER AND OUR FUTURE BABIES?!?!?!?!?!! I WILL MURDER YOU!”

Needless to say, I never heard back from him again. Now, where I was smart is that I also never wrote him again. What I wanted to say is, “Hey FYI, I’m not crazy.” But nothing would have made me seem MORE crazy than that. Sometimes with technology, our intentions get confused and that’s just the downfall of the digital age we live in. But you have to know when to walk away. There are people out in the world who think I’m crazy and there are probably people out there who think you are crazy, too. And no message you send them arguing the contrary will change their mind. Consider them a casualty. And a lesson.

I wonder If the new iPhone’s little personality “Siri” judges the things you text to people. Like what if she was like, “Yo bitch, you should NOT send him that.” Built in “Crazy Alarm”. Uhh, don’t try to take that idea, I’m drafting a letter to Apple, Inc. right now. I’m on it.

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  1. oh women, there you go over analyzing and planning your demise without merit. we are men, we dont think about things, we texted for weeks and then it stopped…. do you know why, because i was riding motorbikes and going to the beach. don’t get me wrong i believe that any relationship shouldnt be one sided and if anything it should be the man who initiates conversation but don’t give up. be persistent, if you want it go and get it. you can’t win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket. men need structure and guidance, i have met a few women who know how to provide this without being over bearing or intimidating. men are focused on food, shelter, clothing, and sex. that is it, don’t give them the benefit of the doubt. some guys are just awkward especially when it comes to text messaging. don’t worry ladies, chivalry is not dead. you just need to look a little bit harder and hold on a little bit tighter.

  2. I LOVE your posts and videos. you are hilarious and adorable! it’s like you say everything that is on a girls mind almost :)

  3. Actually, single lady looks like lady without attacking striking beauty, what is normal as she doesn’t search for those down pleasures, but something higher in values.

  4. You always speak the truth. would it be possible to ask you a question here for you to answer on your ustream – as I stupidly live in England and always miss your ustreams live :(

  5. I recently had this exact problem. Met a guy in San Diego (I live in LA) I liked him, and we texted for a few weeks and we always had really good conversations. But one I realized I was always the one initiating contact, I realized I did not want to be seen as that annoying girl who wouldn’t leave him alone. I stopped texting him and haven’t heard from him since, but I’m very proud of myself for having the self control to stop it before I embarrassed myself! :D

    • Nicely done. You’re giving us girls a good name. we need it!

      Erin Foster | 10/25/2011 09:10 pm
  6. The question is do you need that troubles when the beauty will die? To cope with old heartless “gentleman” who you finally “did” (I was shocked how the royal smoke just on their wives, in their faces) or find a person who will love you as you are and when we all will be old 60 y.o. he can read your thoughts and speak your language without texts or calls, just as he is your soulmate.

  7. You know, Erin, it means a man has no his own point of view and he hears only his family. If he introduced you to his family, he was serious, but the family didn’t like you and he maybe was in love (?) a bit and managed his feeling to stop as it has no family support. You’re extra emotional and you need the same emotional (not heartless gettleman) partner. I have read alike dating article with double meaning. No, it is very simple point of view. Calling a person I support, some people communicate only close to reality. Again we create the vision of the person we fall (as we’re made this way, we are not heartless and businesslike) but that people are full of complexes, they are not mature (even with age) and emotionally they are not our match. On the other hand, we can resolve the conflict by communicating and copying their behaviour (so, they think we’re the same, not “crazy” ET).

  8. I have been trying to figure this out especially lately! It has lead me to become slightly crazy at times wondering why I’m not getting an answer!

  9. Thanks Erin great article, sounds ohh sooo very familiar im glad im not the only one with a story like this. :)

  10. love it!!!

  11. love this post!

  12. I soo needed to read this.
    I always wanted closure with the last guy, like, what went wrong. But I guess I’ll never really know. And I’m ok with that. Just wish I didn’t still see him at work.. :(

    • Its okay to never find out, cause there’s no good way to find out!

      Erin Foster | 10/25/2011 09:10 pm
  13. This was amazingly written and so very true.

  14. This happened to meeee oh my god! I sent the ‘What happened to us?’ text and NEVER heard from him again! I felt like such a creep!

    • You’re craaaazy! Jk. But he totally thinks you are! so embarrassing. lesson learned. never again :-)

      Erin Foster | 10/25/2011 09:10 pm
  15. p.s. i look forward to these posts every week :) thanks girl!

  16. This is so great, and so spot on!

    • Thaaaanks! I wish i didnt have the experience to know these things.

      Erin Foster | 10/25/2011 09:10 pm
  17. You know what also sucks? The attempt to call them instead of texting so you can get your point across but thus they dont answer because apparently calling is also desperate too. i miss the days where people didnt text, or had cell phones. you either had to call their house/apt and leave a message or email them but very few ppl had email. yeah I watch too many late 80s early 90s movies/tv shows. but honestly dating was … i wont say easier, but rather less complicated and i didnt have to overthink or get “text approval.” But you’re right, when the damage is done don’t make it something worse. Oy! I curse texting! haha <3

    • It’s all hard. We just have to put ourselves in check once in a while :-)

      Erin Foster | 10/25/2011 09:10 pm