Single Girls Guide 20Erin Foster

Have you ever noticed that when a guy says he’s single, it seems like it’s a choice on his part but when a woman says she’s single, it feels like something that has chosen her? Like, it’s this curse that has been cast on her. She admits it in a tone that whispers, “But I’m doing okay… It’s my turn soon, I just know it.” I think a lot of men have the ability to appreciate the other things that life has to offer besides a relationship. They enjoy their time alone and worry that a relationship might take that away from them. They value uninterrupted guy time and hobbies and sports and whatever other boring thing that we pretend to like for the time we’re with them.

And most girls feel very threatened by these things. But I believe that feeling threatened by them is your first step towards being single again and losing the relationship. Instead of feeling threatened by all the things he enjoys that aren’t you, you should have just as full a list of things that YOU enjoy. God forbid you actually keep that girls trip to Palm Springs intact even though you just started dating a guy and he’ll be in town with nothing to do that weekend. One has nothing to do with the other. These other passions and joys in your life are not place holders in case he calls. They are solid parts of your life that do not take a backseat at the last minute. Feeling threatened by your partner loving something else is selfish. Even if you were able to rid all the things from his life that seem to be in direct competition with you, once they were gone, so would be his dignity and your respect for him.

Now, I know it seems like I’m talking about relationships and you guys are very on top of me to make sure I do not inch into that territory and keep this for single girls only. But the reason I bring this up is because I get a lot of e-mails from you ladies. And a running theme is that you can’t seem to keep a man and therefore when you’re single and find yourself on a date, or even just being asked out, your self esteem is so shot from the broken attempts at having a relationship that you don’t know how to just be casual and let things happen the way they should. You jump on the opportunity to redeem yourself and run full speed at the chance to get yourself out of the misery you call being single. As long as you are down on yourself and feeling sorry for yourself, and letting the mistakes you’ve made weigh you down, the minute any decent guy broaches a conversation with you, you will smother the opportunity until you find yourself alone again. And being alone is fine, that’s the whole point of these guides, but first you have to acknowledge that it isn’t a PUNISHMENT.

The bad habits you have in a relationship will show themselves on the first few dates with someone when you’re single. That’s why I’m working my way backwards from the way you feel threatened easily in a relationship, because it all trickles down to how you are when you are by yourself. If you learn to like your time alone (and I mean REALLY like it. Not fake like it), then when someone comes into your life, you will want to share it with them instead of just handing it over to them. No one can operate long term that way.

I was talking to one of my best girlfriends the other day who is recently single. She said, “It’s the weirdest thing. People are so unsatisfied with hearing that I’m not in a relationship. They were more comfortable knowing I was in an unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship as long as they knew I was spoken for.” It’s true. We are meant to be in pairs according to a lot of people, and some scientists. And without that other half you are told you are incomplete. But we came into this world alone, and we’re leaving it alone, and any time spent alone in between isn’t the end of the world. The more you start enjoying something, the more people start wanting to come enjoy it with you.

You aight kid ;-)

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  1. But we came into this world alone, and we’re leaving it alone, and any time spent alone in between isn’t the end of the world. The more you start enjoying something, the more people start wanting to come enjoy it with you.totally agree..

  2. I push myself so hard to not be down about being single. But it’s difficult when you get slapped across the face with 3 engagements in one week. I’m sick of hearing how “amazing” I am and that I just haven’t found the right guy yet. Why the eff not? I know lots of amazing women who’ve found the right guy. Why do I have to be the different one? The suggestion that I’m too awesome and too amazing for most guys to handle is getting really old…

  3. i appreciate this so much.

  4. Alone time is golden! I LOVE spending time with me bc a) I love me and b) it’s how I recharge, rejuvenate, and relax. Here’s to all of us single girls loving time with ourselves! :)

  5. @Sophie: Turn them off, both cell-phone and pc, do it quickly, don’t stop to think about it. I turn off my phone every night and sometimes don’t turn it on until next noon or something, especially when I’m at home. As for fb and twitter, they can be fun and everything, but when I’m not at my best, they always make me feel worse. I make sure to take frequent rehab sessions form the Internet, as wonderful as it might be. It’s always better to go out for a coffee, or even take a lonely walk, get physical anyways. If outdoors is not an option, I just dance alone in my room :)

  6. @Mary Godova: I’m having a Shakespeare marathon this semester, because, well, I felt like it. I’ve just finished Macbeth and absolutely loved it. Right now, I’m reading Cymbeline and The Tempest will be next, I think.
    Jeff Buckley is sad, but in the best way possible. I love him. Beautiful voice and splendid lyrics. Plus, he is perfect for fall/winter, anything cold and rainy :)

  7. Such a helpful reminder Erin! The other day I went on a date and made an ass out of myself. I was beyond unprepared, awkward, and we had very little in common. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to use it as a learning experience.

  8. There is no any song about being single, only about broken hearts. Always a hit. Let’s make a blog about our best songs about love and love confessions. Madonna “Open Your Heart”! Very positive!

  9. This is exactly what happens when you’re a female that lives in a society that teaches girls that they are worthless without a man and teaches it from a very very early age (Thanks so much, Disney)… Luckily, in the past few decades, there has been a shift in thinking – about which role a woman is “supposed” to hold – although it’s shifted from domestic (wife, mother, homemaker) the alternative that we’re now seeing is not much better. Women are most definitely told that they can be or do whatever makes them happy, yet the examples we’re shown are all thin and sexy… so yes, you can be a Lawyer, as long as you look like Ally McBeal; you can be a doctor as long as you look like Dr. Hadley; you can be a secret agent as long as you look like Sarah Walker etc. It’s still the same story – in order to be accepted as an equal to a male, you need to be thought of as wifely/motherly or you need to be thought of as a sex object.

    • Men have no such abilities as we, not every man, just as not every woman is super dream. That people live by their own rules til the moment they have the means for it (job, health, house, zest for life). But when a single woman without children out of job, OLD, can’t walk or see, no extra money for eldery house treatment – WHO NEEDS HER? Only those another people who we can now til we are young and adaptive catch. Marriage it is like the business deal.

  10. Erin you rock, ur the reason I love this site! hell of a funny :)

  11. you’re awesome, Erin! Too often as women we forget these basic facts. Thanks for the reminder!

  12. This “We are meant to be in pairs according to a lot of people, and some scientists. And without that other half you are told you are incomplete.” reminded me of that silly Hancock movie, in which Will and Charlize have to pair up so they can wither away and die. Sounds kinda similar to people’s skewed perspective on relationships, no? Like being single would cause some tear in the space-time continuum or some such crapola. I don’t think so, psshh. Power to the single ladies! *fist pump*

  13. YES!! To all of it.

  14. By the way, Erin Foster, M.A.N.D.Y “Words don’t come easy” (P.S.: I love you!) I fall in love with a woman. She makes me to feel pain, tears and being lost for my feeling. I so want to FALL IN LOVE with a man, but can’t til this moment. I have lost the trust in men for 80%. But I have no chance without. I would be a lesbian for real, this is outstanding equal relations. So men are guilty I fall for women now. But I will give a chance to a nice man. A knight, a Prince, where are you?

  15. I would also be happy if not being poor. My mother forces me to get married no matter who as I am 30. We can be happy single, but in relations we grow and give more. What matters – to find who we want or just say “Yes” to who wants us. And money again.

  16. Hi Erin !!!!!!! I completly agree with you !!!!!!!!!! Thanks for this …. Until the followin

    Monday …

  17. It’s like you read my mind, I recently responded to “Are you seeing anyone?” with several excuses, reasons, thoughts and finally, “But I’m happy though!” Next time, I’m just going to say, “No” and smile. Simple, true, easy. Thanks Erin.

  18. The word for single man is “bachelor” (think wohoo having a great time on my own, as an independent male). The word for single woman is “spinster” (think crazy old lady who stays at home with 12 cats). Just saying. Language can be wrong.
    Thanks for this post, loved it! :D

  19. I love my alone time, and my single time. I feel like when I tell people I’m single, they do get a look on their face that is full of sympathy and inquisition. “Why?”. “Why Not?” is my response. It’s valuable time that helps me get to know myself even better and provides ample opportunity for me to bond with those that are permanent fixtures in my life. Girlfriends and family. Boom. I do enjoy relationships, but not just for the sake of being in one. It has to be worth my time.

  20. i have always been a huge fan of alone time! one of the things i loved about my last relationship was that we both got plenty of it…