Single Girls Guide 20

Have you ever noticed that when a guy says he’s single, it seems like it’s a choice on his part but when a woman says she’s single, it feels like something that has chosen her? Like, it’s this curse that has been cast on her. She admits it in a tone that whispers, “But I’m doing okay… It’s my turn soon, I just know it.” I think a lot of men have the ability to appreciate the other things that life has to offer besides a relationship. They enjoy their time alone and worry that a relationship might take that away from them. They value uninterrupted guy time and hobbies and sports and whatever other boring thing that we pretend to like for the time we’re with them.

And most girls feel very threatened by these things. But I believe that feeling threatened by them is your first step towards being single again and losing the relationship. Instead of feeling threatened by all the things he enjoys that aren’t you, you should have just as full a list of things that YOU enjoy. God forbid you actually keep that girls trip to Palm Springs intact even though you just started dating a guy and he’ll be in town with nothing to do that weekend. One has nothing to do with the other. These other passions and joys in your life are not place holders in case he calls. They are solid parts of your life that do not take a backseat at the last minute. Feeling threatened by your partner loving something else is selfish. Even if you were able to rid all the things from his life that seem to be in direct competition with you, once they were gone, so would be his dignity and your respect for him.

Now, I know it seems like I’m talking about relationships and you guys are very on top of me to make sure I do not inch into that territory and keep this for single girls only. But the reason I bring this up is because I get a lot of e-mails from you ladies. And a running theme is that you can’t seem to keep a man and therefore when you’re single and find yourself on a date, or even just being asked out, your self esteem is so shot from the broken attempts at having a relationship that you don’t know how to just be casual and let things happen the way they should. You jump on the opportunity to redeem yourself and run full speed at the chance to get yourself out of the misery you call being single. As long as you are down on yourself and feeling sorry for yourself, and letting the mistakes you’ve made weigh you down, the minute any decent guy broaches a conversation with you, you will smother the opportunity until you find yourself alone again. And being alone is fine, that’s the whole point of these guides, but first you have to acknowledge that it isn’t a PUNISHMENT.

The bad habits you have in a relationship will show themselves on the first few dates with someone when you’re single. That’s why I’m working my way backwards from the way you feel threatened easily in a relationship, because it all trickles down to how you are when you are by yourself. If you learn to like your time alone (and I mean REALLY like it. Not fake like it), then when someone comes into your life, you will want to share it with them instead of just handing it over to them. No one can operate long term that way.

I was talking to one of my best girlfriends the other day who is recently single. She said, “It’s the weirdest thing. People are so unsatisfied with hearing that I’m not in a relationship. They were more comfortable knowing I was in an unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship as long as they knew I was spoken for.” It’s true. We are meant to be in pairs according to a lot of people, and some scientists. And without that other half you are told you are incomplete. But we came into this world alone, and we’re leaving it alone, and any time spent alone in between isn’t the end of the world. The more you start enjoying something, the more people start wanting to come enjoy it with you.

You aight kid 😉

  • Miranda Perez

    You’re AMAZING. Love your posts!! <3

    • Erin Foster


  • Cassandra Richards

    Only recently am I able to be alone and not feel sad about it. It’s the best feeling.

    • Erin Foster

      good for you!

  • Anna M. Tong

    I’ve read quite a bit of your guide and I’m pretty much convinced that you rock! Thanks for your nuggets of wisdom, I enjoyed this one especially.

    • Erin Foster

      thanks for enjoying it!

  • Amalia Pantazi

    Erin, you are, once again, SO right. SO on point! I’m single and I have my good and my bad moments. But as long as I can spend my evening turning off my phone and pc, reading Shakespeare and listening to Jeff Buckley while it’s pouring outside, feeling like I’m in a movie or something, I’m happy :)

    • Erin Foster

      You’ll be so much happier that way. nicely done girl.

    • Mary Godova

      Reading Shakespeare – what exactly?

    • Mary Godova

      Jeff Buckley is so sad.

    • Sophie Langis-Lauzière

      Amalia, you are so right! – I can’t wait the moment when computer and phone will be shut off and I will still be happy! – I’m on my way to that, not easy… – Be good with myself… alone… not with my 400 facebook friends…

  • Lena Latham-Cannon


  • Ramou Sarr

    So much yes in this post. I have my 10 year hs reunion next month and have been panicking about how I’m going to respond to the, “So, no boyfriend?” sad, pathetic looks and that maybe I need to make something up to sound like I’m really busy doing thinks I love and feel complete without a partner. And then…duh – the realization that I am really busy doing things I love and feel complete without a partner. Feels nice to be there. Thanks for this!

    • Erin Foster

      See, you already know the answer. i skipped my reunion last year. literally stayed home and watched a movie instead of going :-)

    • Sara Elizabeth Silva

      Funny, I was planning to go to my reunion alone too. I knew many of my friends were married, and I couldn’t help myself by grabbing some random guy and asking him to go. Long story short, the reunion was cancelled. I didn’t have to stress out after all.

  • Patricia Flores Aguilera

    Erin I just loved this. Thank you so much!

    • Erin Foster

      thanks for liking it!

  • Kate Binkley

    I love this column so much, thank you for the reality checks! People need to realize that being in a relationship isn’t the end-all goal in life. I have such a full “single” life right now that I can’t imagine trying to keep up with a guy and all of his needs in the midst of it. If one comes along that meshes well into my life, then Yay! a bonus! But if not, who the hell cares, I’m too busy loving life to worry about it.

    • Erin Foster

      spread the gospel! you are DOING it! :-)

  • Jerica Truax

    Great post =) I know I recently quit dating because of this. I’m trying to figure myself out, find my passions and go after them….if I meet someone along the way, perfect! We’ll see how much I can keep to it….

    • Mary Godova

      I’m trying to figure myself out, find my passions and go after them….if I meet someone along the way, perfect! – But being 40 women cannot have a baby! Men can “have a baby” even being 60+, but we can too, if not poor.

  • Youline Silgnena

    <3 this!!! Thanks a million

  • Brandy Denise Burnell

    “People are so unsatisfied with hearing that I’m not in a relationship.” So, so true. I am almost always single…and I prefer it that way. I am so happy being single, and usually so miserable in a relationship…but other people never understand this. I’ve reached the point where I no longer care how other people think about my lifestyle…I love it, and that’s all that matters. I’m through trying to convince other people how fulfilled my life is, even without a “significant other.” Thank you for announcing to the world on behalf of single women everywhere that we are not “broken,” “incomplete,” or “sad.” We really, really are okay.

  • Kayla L. Minto

    This made me feel so much better and helped me remember that “alone” is bad. You don’t HAVE to be with someone just to be with someone. Alone time is discovery time.

  • Kayla L. Minto

    I ment “isn’t bad.” Sorry for the typo. 😛

  • Rebecca Doris

    i have always been a huge fan of alone time! one of the things i loved about my last relationship was that we both got plenty of it…

  • Alysa Huntsinger

    I love my alone time, and my single time. I feel like when I tell people I’m single, they do get a look on their face that is full of sympathy and inquisition. “Why?”. “Why Not?” is my response. It’s valuable time that helps me get to know myself even better and provides ample opportunity for me to bond with those that are permanent fixtures in my life. Girlfriends and family. Boom. I do enjoy relationships, but not just for the sake of being in one. It has to be worth my time.

  • Astrid Lund

    The word for single man is “bachelor” (think wohoo having a great time on my own, as an independent male). The word for single woman is “spinster” (think crazy old lady who stays at home with 12 cats). Just saying. Language can be wrong.
    Thanks for this post, loved it! 😀

  • Cassie Brenske

    It’s like you read my mind, I recently responded to “Are you seeing anyone?” with several excuses, reasons, thoughts and finally, “But I’m happy though!” Next time, I’m just going to say, “No” and smile. Simple, true, easy. Thanks Erin.

  • Irene Ana Crusats Sans

    Hi Erin !!!!!!! I completly agree with you !!!!!!!!!! Thanks for this …. Until the followin

    Monday …

  • Mary Godova

    I would also be happy if not being poor. My mother forces me to get married no matter who as I am 30. We can be happy single, but in relations we grow and give more. What matters – to find who we want or just say “Yes” to who wants us. And money again.

  • Mary Godova

    By the way, Erin Foster, M.A.N.D.Y “Words don’t come easy” (P.S.: I love you!) I fall in love with a woman. She makes me to feel pain, tears and being lost for my feeling. I so want to FALL IN LOVE with a man, but can’t til this moment. I have lost the trust in men for 80%. But I have no chance without. I would be a lesbian for real, this is outstanding equal relations. So men are guilty I fall for women now. But I will give a chance to a nice man. A knight, a Prince, where are you?

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