Single Girls Guide 18

You are so desperate!

All the emails I’m getting are confirming the current state that you ladies are in and I’m not happy about it. You are DESPERATE! Desperado. Desparito. Desperoony. It’s not okay. It’s a spiraling whirlpool of desperation and I’m reaching my hand in to pull you out because you’re making us look bad. You’re making you look bad.

“Why hasn’t he called me back?… I feel like he doesn’t like me anymore… Did I do something wrong?… How come he doesn’t want to marry me?…” Girls be thinking they don’t have any power in these situations! Girls be thinking they be victims and s**t! Why am I writing like a toothless high school drop out? This subject makes me go cray cray.

I don’t care if he is the sexiest dreamboat in all the world, no one should have the ability to turn you into the wreck you’ve become. You can break this pattern. I’ve been where you are. I’ve stared at my phone until I forgot to blink, I’ve sent myself text messages to make sure the phone is working, I’ve refused to go to friends’ houses that don’t have cell reception, I’ve sent myself flowers to make someone jealous… okay, no need for me to continue admitting these things, this really isn’t about me so I’d appreciate it if you stopped judging. I’ve studied the complete history of the Baltimore Ravens so I could convincingly say I was a lifetime fan to impress a guy! Okay, that’s the last one…

You’re better than this behavior. You think you’re lucky to have someone be interested in you, you kill time just waiting for yourself to mess it up because you know you’re so desperate for someone to marry you that you panic at the first sign of any trouble. It’s no way to live. What you need to understand is that no dude is the answer to all your problems. There are a hundred guys who would love to marry you, but you don’t want them. You only want the ones who don’t want to marry you. You’re addicted to the rejection. It’s what’s comfortable. You’d rather complain about not finding anyone than actually do the work it takes to be ready to meet someone and appreciate them.

When someone starts treating you badly or blowing you off, instead of falling apart and finding all the reasons why its your fault, just change your attitude to “eff them”. It’s not your problem. You have no idea what you want or need. You can’t listen to yourself when it comes to this stuff, you’ve had a lifetime of bad habits and you’re just continuing them. Go against your instincts. If someone doesn’t seem interested in you, then you literally laugh it off and just be thankful you figured it out now instead of walking in on them boning your best friend at your birthday party. It doesn’t even mean anything when someone isn’t into you. There is not a woman alive who is beautiful enough, special enough, perfect enough to be wanted by everyone. There are men who think Megan Fox is gross and fake, there are men who think Gisele is too skinny, Halle Berry gets cheated on by, like, everyone. No one is immune to rejection or a little slap in the face by life. You are no better and no worse than these girls, stop thinking its all about you. You have no control over chemistry. You can’t make someone feel for you what you feel for them. So, just move on and the feeling will pass, it always does.

Step it up. Put your shoulders back. Walk with your head held high. Laugh off an insult. Don’t wear colors that are unflattering on you. Beige is probably one of them. Have a little more respect for yourself. It will help remind the rest of us to do the same. F**k with the curve. Go get em, girl.

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  • Cassandra Richards

    I enjoy these guides immensely.

    • Erin Foster

      i enjoy you enjoying them :-)

  • Louise Rebecca Thomas

    THIS RIGHT HERE is what I need to become.

    • Erin Foster

      Me too by the way

  • Donna Metcalf

    Great article Erin, wish I had learned this 20 years ago, would have saved myself soooo much grief.

    • Erin Foster

      Its NEVER too late gf

  • Stephenie Danelisky

    Erin, you’re consistently providing some of the best and most helpful writing on this site! If you could chronicle these into a book some day, I will buy it, treasure it, and hand it down to hypothetical daughter(s), niece(s), every woman I know.

    • Erin Foster

      Thanks, i’m working on it.

    • Stephanie Titus

      I second this suggestions. Please?!

  • Kimberly Hawkins

    I so needed to read this! I just met this guy and we totally hit it off (I thought) and I haven’t heard from him in a few days. He really struck me as a mature person who, if he wasn’t feeling it, would at least tell me so. Apparently not. I am totally of the “eff you” mentality (not the crazy “eff you”, but the “oh well, life goes on. eff you.”). Should I send him an email and just and tell him (politely and not all cray cray) that he needs to grow a pair and just tell a girl he isn’t feeling it, instead of leading her on and then disappearing? Just as a service to any other women he may date? What do you (Erin) and any other readers think about that?

    • Kimberly Hawkins

      I’m just seriously tired of guys thinking that is the proper way to handle things. If we don’t start correcting them now, who will?

    • Marleen Hoek

      Exactly what happened to me a while ago.. And I still think about it a lot, I just wish I would’ve had the guts to write him an email like that 😉 So I say: go for it!! (But stay politely and try not to go on the fatal attraction tour)

    • Vanessa Maria Loaiza

      Kim, save yourself the trouble. Don’t email him, do exactly what this post proposes. Unless you guys were seriously dating (in which case he is a total ass for breaking off communication), he owes nothing to you just as you owe nothing to him. You went out on a few dates, thought there was a connection, and nothing happened. It happens all the time. I was in the same situation this summer and even did what Colin’s comment proposes below and called him myself to say I’d like to hang out again. Never heard from him, and it had nothing to do with growing a pair. And anyway, what would such an email accomplish? I’m willing to bet good money that he wouldn’t even respond let alone beg for your forgiveness and change his ways. You’ll just end up feeling more unsatisfied.

      I think this article was a great one. I really liked the last part in particular–I think a lot of us want everyone (men AND women) to like us and that’s just not what’s going to happen. It’s the lesson of my 20s for a nice girl like me that not everyone will like me no matter how hard I try, so I might as well work hard to be a good person regardless.

    • Kimberly Hawkins

      Thanks for the input! :-) It’s not that I want an apology or anything, I just feel that if I can help the women he may date in the future by alerting him of this DB behavior, I can improve the way people relate…one guy at a time. You may say I’m a dreamer…LOL!

    • Erin Foster

      Kim, do NOT email him! Once he’s started to blow you off, he has the upper hand and it will seem like you’re just trying to get a reaction out of him. Don’t give him the pleasure of showing the email to his friends and calling you crazy. its not your problem to protect future girls. maybe he wont do this to the next one. not your concern. just move on and let it go and if you ever run into him you will be polite and friendly and then walk away first!

  • Vanessa Tellez

    perfect dose of medicine. This and chocolate milk. Perfect morning.

    • Erin Foster

      yay! :-)

  • Colin Devaney

    Instead of texting yourself to see if your phone is working, why not text the subject of your affections? Then, he’ll know you want to talk.

    To women waiting for texts from guys, just text him. If it doesn’t work, then you have closure, instead of beating yourselves up about it. Leave the stupid stereotype that men always have to make the first move at the door, its 2011 for gods sake.

    • Erin Foster

      Agree. Don’t wait around to be picked.

  • Courtney Johnson

    Thanks! I have been in a confusing situation for awhile, and I feel like I know how to handle it. Came at the perfect time.

    • Erin Foster

      Go get em Courtney

  • Angie Taylor

    Oh my gosh…this is ME! I’m going through this right now….thanks for knocking some since into me! You’re awesome!

    • Erin Foster

      You got it :-)

  • Theresa Dobritch

    Preach that truth, Erin!!

    • Erin Foster


  • Tulia Maricela Rojas Carrillo

    erin excellent article we have to do is fall in love with one and not fall in love, as we say here who lost love .

    • Erin Foster


  • Danielle Rapp

    Amen, sister!

    • Erin Foster

      Who’s with me!

  • Jocqulene Castro

    Ugh, this is me right now. I wish I had the strength to just say “eff him” but HE’S SO CUTE AND FUNNY. Baby steps, right?

    • Erin Foster

      It’ll sink in eventually when you’re sick of feeling like you do :-)

  • Kati Ber

    thanks again for showing me I am not the only one in exactly that situation… Men are such jerks *sigh*

    • Erin Foster

      Nah, they’re not jerks, we have to act like women and not little girls. they just take advantage of what we let them.

  • Alexandra Rae

    Erin! I love you, girl. PLEASE update your Totally Confident and Completely Insecure blog. I wanna read more of what you have to say :)

    • Erin Foster

      Ugh, i know.. i’m trying! i will i will…

  • Patricia Flores Aguilera

    Erin thanks for your column. I am in a very awkward place in my love life right now and I think this is just the advice I need.

    • Erin Foster

      I’ve got your back xo

  • Lisa Tennenbaum

    How do you know my soul, Erin? HOW?! It’s freaking me out a little. And I’m forgetting all about you, 6’6″ midwestern kryptonite. Done. Erin said so!

    • Erin Foster

      You just give him my email and tell him there wont be anymore drunk texts from you anymore :-)

  • Xanthe Pajarillo

    I love you… and all your blogs!

    • Erin Foster

      Right back at ya xo

  • Candice Sesi

    YAY for this article!!! Not only are you 100% right, but 100% hilarious.. gosh, us Hello Giggles writers have soooo much in common :) Excellent, fantastical post!

  • Cherryl Samblero

    Wow. I love love love this post! This is exactly what I need to hear right now! :)

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