Single Girls Guide 14Erin Foster

Some would say that the life of a single girl means constantly having to recover from break-ups. You would think that if you have been through something enough times, then they get easier, but that’s just not the case. Each one seems to hit you from a different angle or find a weak spot you didn’t know to protect. Each time the pain feels new, even though we know it isn’t. It’s like how they say that your body forgets the pain of child birth so that you’ll do it again. Well, it’s the same for love. If we remembered how bad the end can be, would we take the chance one more time?

I had a break up that was so bad when I was 21, I thought for sure I would set scientific records by being the first person who actually died from a broken heart. I literally couldn’t remember how to walk. I forgot what day of the week it was. I didn’t know how to be hungry or how to laugh. Everything made me cry. Everything felt dead. I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t his girlfriend. It’s all I wanted to talk about. I couldn’t tell you enough times how much he really had loved me. He said he could never love again. He said I was perfect. But now that he left it must mean that I’m flawed and imperfect. Even though he had lied and deceived me, since I was the one left behind I assumed I was missing out on something I wanted. I would never love again. I would never smile again. I would never sleep again. No day would ever be better than the worst day. No one else in the world had ever experience the kind of unhappiness and abandonment I was feeling. It was so REAL.

Cut to today and I honestly don’t even remember loving him. I don’t remember what I liked about him. I don’t remember why I needed to be with him. I can’t find the place in my gut that he occupied for so long. One day a few years after our ugly break-up, he called me to apologize for how things went down and I laughed. I couldn’t believe he was still feeling guilty after so long. I told him to enjoy his life and consider me his friend. If I was still angry at him, then it would mean I still had a part of me holding on. And I wasn’t letting myself go out like that.

The recovery is so slow. Every day gets the tiniest bit easier, but it happens in such small increments that you can’t feel the progress at all. It’s Groundhog Day in your head. You wake up and open your eyes and then remember the weight of your heartache. From that moment forward you wish for that first ten seconds back, where you didn’t remember.

What you don’t realize is that it IS getting better. There is no explanation for why it does, other than that we are able to survive through it. We are built for it. Our mind plays tricks on us because the grief fogs our logic. We can only remember the best things in the person we miss. We can’t forget the way they made us laugh and the feeling of falling asleep on their chest. We don’t remember their bad attitude whenever they had to hang out with our friends or the way they couldn’t ever correctly decide between “their”, “they’re” or “there”.

The important thing to understand is that you can’t trust how you feel until a few months have passed. It’s a straight up detox and it’s horrible. But it is a passing phase and no matter who you are or who this so called perfect specimen is that you’re missing, everything is going to be fine. That’s the thing we don’t get. You can’t die from this. You get a few months of feeling sorry for yourself, absolutely. Live it up. Put the sweats on, refuse to eat, cry to your family, force your friends to look at his Facebook, stalk every girl who knows his name… Get it all out. Because after ninety days, it’s over. Physically he’s out of your system and you have to emotionally catch up. Now, if you were married or had kids, I can give you more time. But after the shock of the whole ordeal has died down, it’s time to focus on everything you hated in the relationship. You weren’t nearly as happy as you think you were. You complained about stuff. You went to bed angry. You envied other relationships that had elements yours didn’t. It’s time to realize you can do better. Maybe he’s the best for someone else but anyone who could walk away from you should be with someone else anyway.

Create the story you want to be real and then make it happen. It’s not that he isn’t calling you, it’s that YOU aren’t calling him. It’s not that he can do better, it’s that YOU can. Who knows what he’s up to and who cares? This is the only life you’re gonna get and you certainly don’t have time to waste on shoulda coulda wouldas. There is nothing you’re going through that someone else hasn’t been through and come out on the other side with a smile. Rejection is divine protection. Find the purpose in your struggle. It’s happening for a reason, and a really good one I’m sure. You’re going to be better for it one day. You’re more interesting for having cried these tears and screamed these screams. I got your back.

Image via punjabigraphics.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/trovator Ruthie Trovato

    Always enjoy the Single Girls Guide- this one was especially good. I went through my first major breakup last year, and it was one of the worst feelings I have experienced. But I found that the best way to move on was to surround myself with good friends and focus on the things *I* loved. I took time to focus on myself, just me, for the first time in over 2 years, and it felt amazing. Even though I still feel a little twinge in my heart when I think about my ex, I am almost grateful for the breakup because it helped me focus on me again. Thanks for this article, Erin!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552436888 Erin Foster

      So happy you came out the other side, congrats!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=671908409 Alexandra Shytsman

    I love this. Thank you. “Maybe he’s the best for someone else but anyone who could walk away from you should be with someone else anyway.” – very wise words

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552436888 Erin Foster

      Glad you like it! xo

  • http://www.facebook.com/Sheba468 Brandi Dunn

    “Rejection is divine protection.” Wow. Thank you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552436888 Erin Foster

      I didn’t write that. I wish i did, but i think its some kind of spiritual saying. It really makes everything bad seem okay. Either way its great and feel free to tell people i wrote it!!!!

  • http://wheresyorupture.blogspot.com Alexandra

    Wow. I mean, wow. This captured the horror and pain of a big break up with every word. I can almost feel the numb, shell of a person feeling all over again! I’ve had two horrible, nasty breakups like that. After the last one, I felt like a zombie for about a year, until one day I just didn’t. Magically. This is wonderful advice, and so comforting, even after the fact. It’s nice to know I’m normal for being so devastated even though it’s long passed. It makes us strong, interesting, passionate people!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552436888 Erin Foster

      We’ve all been there and just need to know someone else has been there too and we will be okay :-) You know it. Glad you’re past the miserable part.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jennifer.saurage Jennifer Saurage

    I love this article & would like to send it to my boyfriend’s ex-wife! ha! No, I won’t. But she’s definitely not over him even after 2 years! But getting back to ME… I’ve realized that the 17 years I spent in my marriage (now defunct) actually prepared me & brought me to the love of my life at 37 years old. I wouldn’t change a thing because then I wouldn’t have met HIM. I’m still wondering if I’m never meant to have kids though. I don’t have any & he doesn’t want anymore. He has a 9 & 12 year old, which are great kids that I love. I’m giving you your next article topic… You’re welcome. :-)

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552436888 Erin Foster

      Everything happens the way its meant to. Don’t get too caught up in how your life is supposed to look, just be grateful you found real love! I’m happy for you :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/BookWyrm1025 Sonya Smith

    I dont know if its just me, but break ups actually do get easier as you get older. Im 40 now and my last break up about 2 wks ago was painless. I didnt want to end it, he did, but I have come to realize that if he didnt want to be with me or work through any problems to make the relationship work if I wasnt important enough to him to do that then I definitely didnt want to be with him anyway. I am special enough that I deserve someone who wants to make an effort, who wants to fight for me. Find someone worth fighting for who thinks you are worth fighting for I say. Charge!!!! lol :D

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552436888 Erin Foster

      That’s amazing! Good for you. We are all striving to be more like that :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/ivonne.suarez2 Ivonne Suarez

    It has taken me 8 months to be at the place I’m at right now. It was so hard at first, I really thought I would die from it. I often thought “This might the thing that ends up killing me”. I didn’t die, and it didn’t kill me.

    Great advise!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552436888 Erin Foster

      You’re alive!! And definitely better for what you’ve been through. Keep it going!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/Moonlightsiesta Michelle Buckland

    I went through an awful breakup and get-back-together cycle with my first love from December 2010 to a few months ago when I finally cut all ties. So glad I got everything out of my system so I can really enjoy my new guy and not make old mistakes; only new ones :P

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552436888 Erin Foster

      haha, only new ones. I like that. Congrats!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=594024064 Samantha Martinez

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this! I just sat here and read this about ten times while I cried my eyes out. And honestly. I will probably read it a couple hundred times more.

    “…or the way they couldn’t ever correctly decide between “their”, “they’re” or “there”” Thanks for reminding me!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jocqulene Jocqulene Castro

    This is flawless. Bookmarking for future reference!

  • http://www.facebook.com/natasha.wright.89 Natasha Wright

    This is definitely the best Single Girls’ Guide so far, maybe because I’m currently getting over a break up and needed it. I completely agree with all of this – it’s just believing it I’m finding hard! Normally I am a big believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and see the good side of everything, hopefully that part of me will come back soon.
    Ok depressing part over. Thank you so much for this post. It really did help. Lots of love to you right now!! Keep ‘em coming!

  • http://www.facebook.com/pierce.ashlyn Ashlyn Pierce

    ” Put the sweats on, refuse to eat, cry to your family, force your friends to look at his Facebook, stalk every girl who knows his name…”
    Yep, that’s me.
    I love this, very glad I read it today. <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=726984285 Melanie Smith

    Thank you so much for this. I’m 3 weeks into a horrible breakup (he decided 2 hours after I put my dog to sleep that that was a good time to decide he wasn’t happy with himself/us/whatever and break up with me.) I’m having a really hard time not feeling like i’m going crazy everytime I burst into tears, and having an equally hard time not reaching out to him. Thank you for reminding me that I will be ok, and that someday I”ll realize that I am better than this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jenn.hickman Jenn Hickman

    I can’t wait till I can see how I’m more interesting I am after the marathon crying for the past two days. I figure I’m already making steps in the healing direction by allowing my friends to openly be mad at him when I am still unable to be. Oh but it’s coming! This rocked my world today, kinda funny how you’re single girl guides have been on par with what’s been going on. Makes me anxious for the next one!

  • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.hollerman Sarah Hollerman

    “…or the way they couldn’t ever correctly decide between “their”, “they’re” or “there”.” Love it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tiffany.diorio Tiffany Diorio

    I really liked this piece. I’m actually posting a link to it. I honestly must say that I’ve been through break-ups where I get completely down and out about it and I always felt like I was the only one who ever felt that hurt about it. My friends never understood and neither did my family and that would make it even WORSE because I’d think I was a complete freak for caring that much. It feels good to not be the only one who felt that.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1190814084 Patricia Flores Aguilera

      You’re definitely not the only one feeling like that. The good news is that the awful feelings of the world being a horrible place or that you are never going to heal end up being no more than that: feelings. Post-break up life DOES get better with time, perspective and little help from your friends and family. A big hug for you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000027452521 Stephanie Anne Howell

    ”Maybe he’s the best for someone else but anyone who could walk away from you should be with someone else anyway. ” this is how I feel about every breakup! I got dumped last week (the day after my birthday (he was out of town for a furneral, and didn’t even call :( )) it hadn’t gotten serious yet, but we had been close friends for a year. Things were going great when he left, and then silence. No responses to text or phone calls. Then a single text saying he sent me an email (yes, that’s right a text to tell me I have a breakup email waiting for me in my in box (terd)). Apparently he is too sexually attracted to me to want to get to know me (double terd). Yeah, so he defiantly isn’t my ONE. What sucked the most is that it still hurt. I %100 know it wasn’t me but him, and it STILL stung. :( Dating can really suck.

  • http://www.facebook.com/carly.berich Carly Berich

    Another thing I really needed to hear right now.
    It’s like you know exactly what I’m going through, it’s extremely comforting.
    Thank you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ashleyellinor Ashley Ellinor

    I cannot express how good it feels to read this right now, I have been broken up with my ex for about a week and for days and literally all the way up until the point of reading this I have had completely uncontrollable crying fits, in public places, at work, everywhere and it has been the most difficult thing to go through. Nothing can make me feel better but it puts my mind at ease at least for a minute to read something that describes me to a T, thank you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=28000958 Heather Lease

    Oh how I needed this today! I am currently going through a really tough breakup and feeling a little lost. Thanks for getting me back on track!

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