This weekend was Yom Kippur or as I know it better as, The Day I Can’t Eat Anything So All I Think About is Eating. It’s the holiest day in the Jewish calendar, also the solemnest. Supposedly. But obviously the rabbis back in the day never had to live through Oprah’s last show this year like I did.
Now, I’m pretty damn near perfect, ask anyone, but every year I have to atone for something, so here’s my Atonement List for 5772.
1. Totes sorry I ate all of the pasty when I had lunch with my friend Paige last week. Not just because there are starving children and I was being a glutton, but also because in the battle of Stefi v Pasty, Stefi won in four rounds, but the pasty won because nausea. Took me three days to get over. If you don’t know what a pasty is, it’s basically the most delicious gourmet hot pocket you will ever eat.
2. I’m sorry I painted my fingernails this weird dark maroon color back in June. It was awkward because it wasn’t quite red and it wasn’t quite purple enough to be interesting. It looked like red nail polish was having some sort of gothic identity crisis. I never should have done it. Set me back style-wise about ten years and not in a fun “vintage” way.
3. I’m really sorry I misplaced my jeans after a trip to Texas and then blamed it on the crew of American Airlines. While I still can’t find these jeans and I still totally think they ‘misplaced’ them probably on Ebay, I’ll stop talking about it. Because that was March.
4. I’m sorry I called myself “near perfect” earlier in this entry. That was unfair of me.
5. I’m sorry I reference Oprah so much, but I’m still not over that yet.
7. Using too many pop culture references. Sometimes I get on these Joss Whedon-esque rants using way too many different aspects of pop culture. I just end up sounding like Abed from Community. Someone once asked me what I would do if I couldn’t use pop culture references anymore. “Could you do it for even a day?” they asked.
“Probably,” I replied, “but it’d be about as boring as Julia Roberts’ last movie and feel twice as long.”
I have a really hard time knowing when to stop, you guys.
7.2. Not knowing when to stop.
8. Saying “You guys,” too much.
9. Having too much pride? I dunno. I thought maybe I needed a ‘real’ thing to atone for.
10. Totally loving Toddlers & Tiaras. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s so bad. But everyone else has The Jersey Shore. Just let me have this one thing, please, you guys?