Sideboob: I Think I Got Pregnant

Pregnancy. We’ve all had one. Granted, sometimes it’s just a burrito baby from Chipotle, but I still think those pregnancies justify elastic waistbands and maternity parking spots just as much as the baby kind. I mean, sometimes my life ebbs in a way that it seems like every single person I know is pregnant. One of those times is now. I swear, every friend I have ever had is currently with child and glowing about it, or recovering from being a pregnant. I’ve had 4 acid peels in 6 days and I’m not glowing a bit. What gives?

Just look at young Hollywood right now. It’s like, there must be something in the Pellegrino because in-utero babies are hotter than those mullet dresses and those are really hot right now, you guys. We’ve got Kourtney Kardashian, all of the Victoria Secret angels, Reese Witherspoon (on the D.L.), Thor (okay, he’s not pregnant, but his wife is), Angelina Jolie’s dog (allegedly), Uma Thurman, Jessica Simpson (recovering) and Sienna Miller. See, tons!

And this week, undoubtedly, all of those basketball-belly women will be heading out to celebrate the instruction manual that came with their fertilized egg: What to Expect When You’re Expecting.  Well, there’s nothing I love more than a good birth story so you know I was front and center on opening day. Actually, more like middle row on the isle, whatever.

As you can probably tell from all of my sweeping generalizations and unapologetic stereotypes, I have never actually been pregnant. I mean, there was this one time when I was in the same room as Liam Hemsworth and the next day I felt really pregnant. Turned out to be a false alarm though. That’s how it happens, right? In fact, I’m not sure if I ever will be pregnant because me and babies get along like Howie Mandel and germs. But in the name of preparedness, I picked out two girl names a few years ago and laid my claim. So don’t get any ideas about stealing them to use for the mother/daughter adorable duo in your latest script. The names are Lorelai and Rory, of course. And even if I don’t use them for my own offspring, I plan on having a lot of pets. Don’t worry.

Pregnancy has always seemed so…uncomfortable to me. But after seeing this movie, 5 out of the 6 storylines make pregnancy seem pretty cool. It turns out, there are a lot of really great things about pregnancy. Kankles, for one. I hear they are super in vogue right now. Bed rest always sounds like a good time. It like, “No, doctor! Please don’t make me stay in bed all day eating store brand cheese puffs and watching the first half of A League of Their Own and the second half of Kill Bill 2 over and over.” But the biggest reason pregnancy is the greatest right now is for the sideboob.

2012 is the year of the sideboob. (2011 was the year of the toe cleavage, in case you were wondering.) Essentially, you are not going anywhere in your life these days without brandishing at least 3/4 to 1 inch of sideboob. I mean Kim Zolciak had a full 2 inches! She was a recovering pregnant at the time. My little B-cups don’t stand a chance. Behold the boobage:

You're Welcome


So for all you pregnant queens out there, maybe you have to pee every commercial break, but you have the greatest sideboobs of them all. And don’t even worry if you gain weight, that’s what’s supposed to happen. Just remember the old saying, “Every time a stretch mark appears, an angel gets its wings… or something like that.” And now you know what to expect when you’re expecting according to a girl who has never expected anything in her whole life except for a UPS package from her mom full of Cadbury Eggs and socks.

I wanna know: What did you think of What To Expect When You’re Expecting? What’s it really like to be pregnant? And what names have you picked for your future babes?

Photos from and

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