Sideboob: I Think I Got PregnantAli Ashbaker

Pregnancy. We’ve all had one. Granted, sometimes it’s just a burrito baby from Chipotle, but I still think those pregnancies justify elastic waistbands and maternity parking spots just as much as the baby kind. I mean, sometimes my life ebbs in a way that it seems like every single person I know is pregnant. One of those times is now. I swear, every friend I have ever had is currently with child and glowing about it, or recovering from being a pregnant. I’ve had 4 acid peels in 6 days and I’m not glowing a bit. What gives?

Just look at young Hollywood right now. It’s like, there must be something in the Pellegrino because in-utero babies are hotter than those mullet dresses and those are really hot right now, you guys. We’ve got Kourtney Kardashian, all of the Victoria Secret angels, Reese Witherspoon (on the D.L.), Thor (okay, he’s not pregnant, but his wife is), Angelina Jolie’s dog (allegedly), Uma Thurman, Jessica Simpson (recovering) and Sienna Miller. See, tons!

And this week, undoubtedly, all of those basketball-belly women will be heading out to celebrate the instruction manual that came with their fertilized egg: What to Expect When You’re Expecting.  Well, there’s nothing I love more than a good birth story so you know I was front and center on opening day. Actually, more like middle row on the isle, whatever.

As you can probably tell from all of my sweeping generalizations and unapologetic stereotypes, I have never actually been pregnant. I mean, there was this one time when I was in the same room as Liam Hemsworth and the next day I felt really pregnant. Turned out to be a false alarm though. That’s how it happens, right? In fact, I’m not sure if I ever will be pregnant because me and babies get along like Howie Mandel and germs. But in the name of preparedness, I picked out two girl names a few years ago and laid my claim. So don’t get any ideas about stealing them to use for the mother/daughter adorable duo in your latest script. The names are Lorelai and Rory, of course. And even if I don’t use them for my own offspring, I plan on having a lot of pets. Don’t worry.

Pregnancy has always seemed so…uncomfortable to me. But after seeing this movie, 5 out of the 6 storylines make pregnancy seem pretty cool. It turns out, there are a lot of really great things about pregnancy. Kankles, for one. I hear they are super in vogue right now. Bed rest always sounds like a good time. It like, “No, doctor! Please don’t make me stay in bed all day eating store brand cheese puffs and watching the first half of A League of Their Own and the second half of Kill Bill 2 over and over.” But the biggest reason pregnancy is the greatest right now is for the sideboob.

2012 is the year of the sideboob. (2011 was the year of the toe cleavage, in case you were wondering.) Essentially, you are not going anywhere in your life these days without brandishing at least 3/4 to 1 inch of sideboob. I mean Kim Zolciak had a full 2 inches! She was a recovering pregnant at the time. My little B-cups don’t stand a chance. Behold the boobage:

You're Welcome

 

So for all you pregnant queens out there, maybe you have to pee every commercial break, but you have the greatest sideboobs of them all. And don’t even worry if you gain weight, that’s what’s supposed to happen. Just remember the old saying, “Every time a stretch mark appears, an angel gets its wings… or something like that.” And now you know what to expect when you’re expecting according to a girl who has never expected anything in her whole life except for a UPS package from her mom full of Cadbury Eggs and socks.

I wanna know: What did you think of What To Expect When You’re Expecting? What’s it really like to be pregnant? And what names have you picked for your future babes?

Photos from shutterstock.com and zap2it.com

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  1. What to Expect when you’re Expecting by Heidi MurkoffAlso I’d read her book What To Expect The First Year. That way you’re prepared for what’s to come.Also try The Modern Girls Guide to Motherhood by Jane Buckingham. That ountelis the gear and furniture you need, don’t need, and might want, and included checklists to get you prepared for baby.I also liked Pregnancy Sucks: What to do when your miracle makes you miserable by Joanne Kimes. More to consider are:The Mother of All Pregnancy books by Anne DuglasBelly Laughs, the Naked Truth about Pregnancy,and Childbirth by Jenny McCarthy.Guarding the Moon by Francesca Lia Block.Birthing From Within by Pam England and Rob HorowitzThe Mayo Clinic’s Guide to a Healthy PregnancyPregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley, Ann Keppler Hope this helps! Good Luck!

    Anonymous | 6/14/2012 08:06 pm
  2. I loved being pregnant! I miss it some days. It’s kind of selfish really, I got to have the little one all to myself 24/7! I was the only one who felt her kick, punch, elbow, stretch and hiccup every time. I had a great pregnancy too! I was hardly ever nauseous and only actually threw up 3 times. I wanted marinara sauce on just about everything. And my friend and I had a Dr. Pepper/Cherry ICEE every day! The worst part was moving cross country at 7 months along. My husband and I loaded up the Ford Escort with two dogs and a car sick cat and drove from Nacogdoches, TX to Tacoma, WA. It took my feet a week to get back to normal.
    The What to Expect… book really is full of common sense things, but sometimes you need reassuring. I also had Your Pregnancy Week By Week so I could follow along and make sure I was doing everything right.
    Naming the first baby is hard because you want to have to absolute perfect name. I have a 2 page list of names for future children, that’s going to be fun to go through when the time comes :)

  3. i’ve never been pregnant (barely in my 20s) and i know someday I will be a mama, -i just know! The movie was adorable! I especially loved Anna Kendrick and Chase Crawford’s story line. It seemed so honest and real and they were just adorable. And the rest of the movie was very funny! Especially the dads group- it sounds like a great resource that should definitely be a thing!

  4. … and by “storck,” I mean “stork”. Duh

  5. I am a more “mature” woman, so when I was pregnant, we wore delightful A-line tent shirts with Peter Pan collars and embroidered storcks right above the heart (the pregnancy badge of honor). I remember being 11 or 12 weeks along, sitting on the floor talking to my Mom on the phone. Suddenly I felt a tiny tickle – like a little butterfly fluttering in my tummy region. The first time I knew there was a little life inside. For the next month I sat in that exact position every night so I could feel my little angel flitting around. Now he’s in his 30s and doesn’t flutter much, but secretly he’s still my baby.

  6. I’m 22 weeks pregnant with my first baby. He is a boy and we are naming him Jack Always. We picked the middle name “Always” after the Rilo Kiley song “Always” (I should have known with a boy like you, your middle name is always…I’d always love you). Pretty sweet right? Although he’ll probably hate us for it later. As for our other chosen children names, they are top secret because i’m paranoid and don’t want them to be stolen!

    Pregnancy for me has not been so bad. The first three months I was nauseated…all the time, non-stop. And I had this bionic nose so I could smell
    EVERYTHING, which didn’t help. I am much better now; no more nausea, so now I get to eat what I crave, which mostly consists of eggs, spaghetti, pepperoncinis, and any kind of fruit. My skin looks nicer, my boobs look AWESOME, and people are just so much kinder and more polite to you when they know you are pregnant.

    I definitely enjoy being pregnant. However it is kind of weird sometimes when I’m totally engrossed in a book or movie and i forget, and then I feel him kicking me and I’m like, oh hi there Jack! He doesn’t let me forget very often because he’s a little acrobat in there.

    As for the book, “What to Expect” my friend bought one for me. I didn’t find it very helpful because I’m a neonatal nurse, so knowing about babies is my JOB. And the book just reiterates a lot of common sense. I think some parents need to just find their own style. There’s more than one way to skin a cat.

    A book I am enjoying right now, however, is “Happiest Baby on the Block.” It has many useful tried and proven techniques on calming even the beastliest of fussy/colic-y babies. I got mine on amazon for $1. Buy it! Read it!

  7. i agree with Judy. I am also pregnant and it has been pretty great. We are also having a boy, in just a few weeks, and apart from being totally exhausted, I have actually felt better and healthier than I did before I got pregnant! Of course, it is different for everyone and you can never know what to expect. Having swollen ankles does suck, and having to pee every three seconds sucks, too. Having to sit at work totally uncomfortable for 8+ hours a day isn’t the most fun. But hey, it is all worth it!

    I am interested to see the movie, but I will probably wait for the dvd. The book it is based on however, in my opinion, is a complete piece of garbage. Ladies, do yourself a favor… when you get pregnant, don’t waste your money on What to Expect When You are Expecting, and get yourself Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth instead.

  8. I’m currently pregnant, and most days it’s pretty awesome! I did try to do 2 days at Disneyland last month, and it just wasn’t meant to be. My feet got so swollen I could barely walk! Other than that, I love feeling the baby kick, and my husband loves it, too! We know we’re having a boy, so we’re naming him Jonathan William after my deceased brother and my husband’s deceased father. I’m pretty impatient, so September 3rd can’t come soon enough, I already want to meet this child already!

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