Page From My Book
S**t Girls Say: I’m on a Cleanse
by Emily Foster
Happy January! I’m doing a 21 day green juice, gluten-free, sugar-free, vegan cleanse. And I think that was the most annoying thing I’ve ever actually written. I mean, who do I think I am, Gwyneth Paltrow? I wanted to start the New Year right and with a clear head to focus on priorities. But I do realize that I’m a ‘S**t Girls Say’ cliché when I tell people, “I’m on a cleanse.”
What’s even weirder than saying “I’m on a cleanse” is dating while on said cleanse. The otherwise welcomed, “Hey, wanna meet for a drink?” becomes a source of concern. Showing up for drinks on a cleanse means my date will be boozing while I’m explaining why I’m having sparkling water (preferably with lemon and cayenne pepper). I can only assume that my date must think I have substance abuse issues until I explain – oh so rationally – that I’m cleansing. Then I can only assume that my date must think I am super annoying.
Let’s be honest, the only fun thing to do on a first date is drink (great, now you probably think I have substance abuse problems too… I don’t, I swear, I’m JUST cleansing). Beyond the fun that alcohol provides to really any situation, sometimes you need a little something to calm the first date nerves. Since that’s not possible while cleansing, your dream date goes from a romantic night out to – best case scenario – a cozy night in, in sweatpants, drinking tea and talking about stomach bloat. Not a good look. Why can’t all my dates be cleansing, too? Probably because it’s the most boring thing ever. No lie.
But you’ve come this far (talking to myself), why stop now?! And for this guy? I don’t think so. So, here are some useful tips for dating while on a cleanse.
Tip #1 Resist the urge to talk about any and ALL bowel movements. Duh. But really.
Tip #2 You are going to come across as high maintenance when asking for spinach juice, so might as well fake a large lunch that left you not at all hungry (although, lets face it, you are STARVING).
Tip #3 Have some phrases memorized to explain your irrational swings between insane laughter and sudden depression. i.e. “Oh sorry, to burst out laughing, I was just thinking about my friend who’s on this weird vegan cleanse!”
Tip #4 Have concealer at the ready to cover up those delightful detox zits.
Tip #5 When the waiter asks if you want dessert, resist the urge to talk about murdering him. Obviously you are allowed to fantasize about it (the murder).
Lastly, Tip #6 Try not to talk about how badly you wish you could have a drink. Even though you do.
The truth is, there is no way not to feel really dumb about saying the word cleanse to someone you are dating. Cleanse. It’s a dumb word. Best to be avoided. Namaste.
Photo credit: Healthy Crush
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01.22.2012 |
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the reason it makes you feel so weird is that cleanses are unhealthy, unnecessary ways of juice/cleanse companies making lots of money. they’re based on pseudo-science and it isn’t good for anybody to not eat solid food for that long.
So funny! I never thought of people actually going on a date while on a cleanse. I’m married so I just ask my husband to eat in a separate room and cry over my kale apple smoothie dinner. I do love a good cleanse though, love/hate thing.
Gotta agree with Charlotte there. I’m attempting to leave an eating disorder in the wind, and this sounds exactly like some stuff I would have tried “to be healthy.” I think starving ourselves often passes if we call it different names–Slim Fast being one the longest popular and these types of cleanses being the more recently popular. If you feel sluggish from holiday overloads, why not just eat better, but actually eat. When I pack my smoothie to the rim, the most I can get in it is 300 calories. Unless you’re (referring to anyone on a cleanse) drinking at least five of these babies a day, you’re not getting enough calories to support your daily activities, and not nearly enough if you do any sort of exercise. Throw out the smoothies and eat a large spinach salad with strawberries and balsamic. Try an apple for dessert. You can detox without starving.
Thanks for your comments Rebecca. I certainly don’t mean to support starving. I am actually doing a cleanse where I eat a lot – almost exactly what you described. No one should starve! Cause it’s definitely not healthy for you. Eating an apple right now in your honor.
You could always lie and say you’re on antibiotics and can’t have alcohol until it’s finished.
Ditto the comments from Rebecca and Charlotte. Cleanses and detoxes aren’t necessary. Ben Goldacre explores this topic here http://www.guardian.co.uk/befit/story/0,,1379231,00.html and here http://scienceblogs.com/sciencepunk/2010/06/video_ben_goldacre_talks_bad_s.php . Basically, stuff like this makes science cry.
Hi, Emily. When you make your smoothies, try and add a tablespoon of E3Live to them and replace the artificial sweeteners with Stevia. Cleansing doesn’t always have to do with starving yourself, pseudo-science and supporting cleanse companies. Some people have the wrong idea. For example, it’s NOT ok to drink a smoothie in the morning and have nothing else during the day. My gastroenterologist was the one who put me on the 21-day cleanse early last December after I was rushed to the ER with severe abdominal pains that I had been neglecting since August. We thought it was my appendix but it was a gallbladder inflammation. To make matters worse, my cholesterol was very high. I’m only 33 years old. Have you all seen how restrictive a gallbladder diet is? Give me green smoothies all day, any day! It was all about eliminating alcohol, coffee and fatty foods from my diet. I eat all day, but instead of junk food, I’m making wise choices by eating fruits and vegetables. It’s also about supporting my local growers instead of McDonald’s. I’ve discovered flavors I never thought existed and boy, do I feel a lot better! The goal was never to lose weight but it just happens naturally as you have regular and healthy bowel movements and the bloating goes away. I got my test results last Friday and I’m happy to say that all my levels are normal. As for the mood swings I experienced during the first week, I’m positive it was severe caffeine withdrawal.
Hey Pauli!! Congrats on your test results and I am glad you are feeling better. I totally agree that the mood swings are from caffeine withdrawal. That is a real good habit to break. And dont worry – I eat all day. XOXO!
Liz has you covered with the anti-boitics tips. I might sound super Polly-anna here, but I think not being able to drink on first dates could be the best thing that every happened. Sometimes the alcohol gives a pretty false sense of how you really feel about someone. Don’t you find it strange that he gets more attractive as the night goes on? Anyway, perhaps this is an opportunity to see how you REALLY feel about someone. If they don’t float your boat, on to the next green juice. xo