Last week’s episode of GIRLS kind of shocked me; I’ve been thinking about it all week. In fact, I meant to reflect upon what happened shortly after, but I couldn’t even wrap my mind around it for a while. Besides Hannah’s complete meltdown and Q-Tip situation, Marnie’s devastating lack of awareness, Shoshana’s woman guilt and disappointment and Jessa’s disappearance, we have Adam desperately trying to move on.
If you didn’t see the episode, things go downhill as soon as Natalia, Adam’s new girlfriend, steps foot inside Adam’s apartment (spoiler alert!), which is a dingy man-cave, complete with scattered rusty nails and sawdust. Natalia sees all of this and comments that it doesn’t reflect on Adam, that the place is much darker than he is. Adam responds to this by demanding that she gets on “all fours” and crawl to his bed. She does so reluctantly, and then they have uncomfortable sex; there is a distinct power shift here, and Adam ultimately holds the reigns. Afterwards, Natalia says, “I don’t think I liked that,” and the status of their relationship turns deathly pale.
A lot of GIRLS fans were upset by this, and called this dysfunctional sex act “rape”. Did Adam rape Natalia, or did he just cross a very clear boundary? That’s a good question, and I’m still trying to figure it out. Natalia doesn’t tell Adam to stop, but she also seems very reluctant about the whole thing and certainly scared and disappointed after. The sex scene was super excruciating to watch, and dark. Adam is definitely in the wrong here and I think he ultimately violates Natalia’s trust and her body by not “taking things slow” as she requests earlier in the episode.
Books like 50 Shades of Grey are so explosive because they push buttons, boundaries and definitions of what sex should be. Are men allowed to dominate, take charge and debase if their partners consent to it? Is it okay to allow one person to have complete control? Is cruelty or degradation oppressive to women (and men)? Sex is a personal thing, and we need to set boundaries or rules. If you don’t have many, that’s okay, too. But let’s agree on the fact that they should exist. It’s not okay to make your partner feel uncomfortable or regretful.
If you are having sex, you need to communicate with your partner. It doesn’t matter whether you like doing it on the couch, in bathtub full of butterscotch pudding or even with several people; the point is that, you need to let the other person know. And when your partner agrees or disagrees to your rules or conditions, it’s your responsibility to stay true to them. Or find someone who is in more in line with your sexual appetite!
Featured image via ShutterStock
“Is cruelty or degradation oppressive to women (and men)?”
Of course it is! That’s why it’s depressing so much porn today is immensely degrading to women. If someone wants to degrade you in any context, that says enough about their character to avoid them and have respect for yourself.
Sorry but rape is when you’re forced to do something sexual. How is this rape?? She wasn’t forced!
I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe that a verbal yes is required for legal consent in ANY state in the US. Let me see a link if you are going to insist as much. Generally speaking the kind of “implied consent” that has been recently abolished is that which had been legally granted between spouses until 1975 when it began to be gradually withdrawn state by state.
Calling what happened between Adam and Natalia “rape” is ridiculous and quite frankly insulting to people who have actually been raped. If you watch the show you know that Adam and Hannah are very compatible because they have similarly awkward sexual tendencies. Adam’s behavior towards Natalia is not out of character with what he has done throughout the series. He clearly did not know how uncomfortable he made her until the act was over and she absolutely knew when she “got down on all fours” that she was doing so as an initiation of sexual contact.
Calling something like this “rape” only cheapens the gravity of the word and the atrocity of the act. It is an absolutely ludicrous assertion.
legally speaking a verbal yes is needed for true consent, and under the law it would be considered rape (unless this varies state by state, but i haven’t heard of a state yet that doesn’t define it this way).
No, a verbal ‘yes’ is not required for it to consensual. ‘Implied consent’ is the legal term where consent is given without saying ‘yes’. Implied consent may be joining in, making noises indicating pleasure, kissing, touching or performing sexual acts of one’s of volition. This means if you were to take someone’s penis in your mouth without that person pushing your head into place, it would indicate implied consent. It is very difficult and is why rape cases are so hard to trial.
If a verbal ‘yes’ was required to be considered consensual, then almost all sex acts between adults would be rape, as people rarely say ‘yes’, they indicate implied consent by their actions.
I have not seen this, as I hate the show, but just wanted to point that out.
in massachusetts/many states a verbal yes is required for legal consent. what states allow for implied consent? i know for a FACT massachusetts doesn’t, because i have taking training courses on this to educate students on massachusetts’ rape laws.
taken*
My university offers self-defense classes to anybody. It is geared toward women so when they get assaulted — physically or sexually — they can take care of themselves. While I think this is commendable, I also see it as an excusing of a problem with the way we view and treat women. There’s nothing wrong with being a woman, there is something wrong with the rape culture in which we live.
“She should have said something” does not justify rape. “She should dress more modestly” does not justify rape. “She shouldn’t have been walking out at night alone” does not justify rape.
Rape is — according to the legal dictionary of the Free Dictionary — “unlawful sexual intercourse with a woman against her will. The essential elements of the crime were sexual penetration, force, and lack of consent.” If you want to justify the fact that she didn’t say anything, then I want you to go to the movies blindfolded and tell me if you can fully grasp an entire movie without watching it.
Also, according to this definition of rape, sex needs to be consensual in order for it to be lawful. There’s cognitive dissonance in saying it was not rape but it was not consensual.
The problem I see is that Adam didn’t know it WASN’T consensual.
Ignorance must be such bliss.
Yeh this isn’t rape… If it said he grabbed her and she could break free. But no she was willing, something into her was wanting to do it. Sounds like a case of- I regret doing that, so i was forced to!
*could not
Based off personal experience I’ve had, I’d say no… it’s not okay what he did, but I wouldn’t consider it rape. I’ve had a similar situation happen, where a guy crossed the line in a dominance way during sex. It sucked. It was totally awkward and I did not like it. BUT I decided to talk to him about it (cause really, either get out or talk it out), and when I did we ended up figuring out things that would make us both happy in bed that didn’t make either of us uncomfortable. No more over-dominance and wayyy better sex.
It’s hard in our culture because we think we have very established sexual norms, which are only a handful of positions and acts. Exploration needs to happen for both parties to be satisfied. But it should never go so far as to being forced on someone (there should be some precedence for the way Adam acted: a conversation, testing it in a smaller, less obtrusive way first, etc).
I would also hesitate to throw around the word “rape.” It already doesn’t get taken seriously enough in our culture. I would hate for us to give it a broad enough definition that enables people to dilute its real power and meaning. Was was he did wrong? Yes. Should he be prosecuted for it? Probably not.
Good points. I also think talking about sex openly is really new in our culture. It’s not common that new couples discuss what they want out of sex right away; we’re pretty shy and conservative for the most part. But that’s when things can get complicated and weird, when partners don’t know what they want from each other.
Was what* D’oh!
Personally, I think this is one of the problems that arises when older people date much younger people (note, I didn’t see this episode and I’m not super familiar with all characters. I know Adam is a little older, right? I don’t know who Natalia is). I think young men and women are still growing and working on finding themselves and their identity and many have a hard time speaking their mind. As a 17-20+ year old I was having sex but never really knew how to say ‘no’ if something or some situation was uncomfortable whereas now I’m a 32 year old woman and have come to be totally comfortable saying exactly what’s on my mind. I know not every young person is like this but a lot of them are very impressionable and unsure about the world around them. So does it make it rape? If she didn’t say the word ‘no’ but her unspoken actions seem to convey ‘this makes me uncomfortable’….?? Maybe not rape but surely taking advantage of the situation…
I saw the episode, twice. While it was difficult to watch, and I really wish Adam had not “flipped his switch,” Natalia should have said something if she wasn’t comfortable, and I actually yelled that at the television when she reluctantly followed along, and again when she said she didn’t think she liked that.
Although there are countless scenarios of these types of sexual encounters, in situations similar to this, women should not be a willing participant if they are not comfortable, then afterward, place blame on the man.
it was his responsibility to get her consent, not her responsibility to say no (and in a case where a woman initiates penetration it would be her responsibility to get consent).
So…if I were to have sex with my husband without ‘consent’ and then he decided it was forced, he could call that rape? Huh…
Actually you might have to check that in your state because technically husband/wife cannot rape their spouses.
yes he could. because consent is required for sex to be lawful. if you don’t believe me, a little research on the internet could show you. being married doesn’t give you the right to do whatever you want to your spouse. whoever initiates penetration has to get consent. if one person in the marriage doesn’t want to have sex, and the other disregards this it is rape. no one has the right to do anything to anyone’s body without getting permission. but people don’t tend to “cry” rape, so it’s unlikely a husband/wife would report being raped unless he really felt as if he was.
The problem with saying the woman should say something when she so obviously doesn’t want to be there or participate is that most women feel as if something horrible, worse then rape that is, will happen to them. Something like being murdered…
And if it is so obvious she doesn’t want to participate why doesn’t HE stop and go, “Are you ok with this?” but no in our society it is all up to HER to say something or just ‘run away’. Often times neither is a viable solution because of the unspoken threat of physical harm, beyond the rape of course, that women feel in these situations, so rather then making it all her fault for not saying something, why not share the blame and say he should have been more caring about her reactions and stopped his damn self.
I think both are at fault here, but the fact is that she did nothing to voice her opinions or change the situation. He’s not a mind reader…
people who feel threatened often do not feel like they can voice their opinions. that is why verbal consent is needed. anyone who proceeds to have sex with someone without a verbal yes is to blame.
So what we’re saying is that women are never at fault and are never responsible for their own actions or choices?
no we are saying that women/men are never responsible for being raped. in order to know if you have consent ask.
We’re saying that no person, man or woman, is responsible for being raped. We are responsible for our actions and choices, but the thing about rape is that it isn’t your choice. If it were, then it would be consensual sex, not rape.
I agree! So in this specific TV-land situation, how was Adam to know it WASN’T consensual?
First off, I don’t watch the show so I’m just kind of generally commenting on the article’s explanation of the situation.
If she went along with it and didn’t once protest, it may have been crossing a personal boundary and it may be something that damages or ends the relationship, but it wasn’t rape.
Even a simple “I don’t feel comfortable, let’s stop” that went unanswered may have pushed it more firmly into the rape category. Physically trying to stop him would have. Attempting to leave would have.
Offering no indication other than some reluctance isn’t rape, it’s reluctance. Calling it rape would be criminal.
Well said, Matt. I watched the episode and although it was uncomfortable to watch I would not classify it as rape. He did not force her against her will. I wouldn’t call it consensual, but she did not ask him to stop.
a person does not have to tell someone to stop for it to be rape, but a person does need to give a verbal yes for it to be true, legal consent.
I don’t think the point is whether or not he actually physically forced himself upon her to ‘rape’ her; The point is more about how she felt. Was his demanding nature intimidating? Did she feel like she HAD to do what he said rather than what was comfortable for her? Those things can make a woman feel vulnerable, scared and have some level of fear that if she does not do it she may suffer some sort of physical harm. Is it OK that he acted this way? Is it OK that she didn’t say anything even though you could tell that she did indeed feel awful during and afterward? It really makes you think about boundaries and how anyone, not just a man, can make someone feel uncomfortable and even force someone to do something that they might not want to do without possibly realizing it.
Exactly. This is why communication is so important in relationships! You should be able to tell someone when you’re not comfortable with something without fearing some kind of retribution.
I did not see the episode – sorry. But, it seems to me that Natalia allowed whatever went on. It sounds as if she had the chance to leave without physical injury (maybe I am wrong about that?). But, given that, my perception is that this was not rape. Had he grabbed her and beat the hell out of her, and then forced himself on her, that would be a very different thing.
Ok, I am a man and maybe I am looking at it like a man. How could I do otherwise? But, Adam’s behavior was certainly not what mine would be! However, since both participated voluntarily, I see both as sharing culpability in the matter.
a person does not have to be physically beaten or held down for it to be considered rape. rape is defined as penetration without consent, and with force or THREAT of force. i took a class and became certified to talk about these issues to students, and learned that the only way to have true consent is a verbal yes. rape takes many forms, and isn’t always the stranger rape scenario that people tend to think of when rape gets brought up.
I agree with David. Adam is dating Natalia, they’re both consenting to sex, he’s assuming she wants to have sex, etc. etc. The only way for things to be clear is if she speaks up and voices her fear and discomfort.
dating someone does not give them the right to do whatever they want to your body. actually, the majority of rapes occur between people who know each other. you can disagree that it shouldn’t be defined as rape, but as far as the law goes it is.
So if I get really mad at my husband I can accuse him of rape because he doesn’t ask if I want to have sex every single time? If that’s the definition of rape I’m betting most sex is legally rape.
In this particular situation, Adam tells Natalia what he wants to do to her and she says, “okay”, so it’s in fact her mannerisms that suggest she doesn’t want to though technically she gives verbal consent.
obviously people don’t report rapes unless they feel violated…people who rely on body signals don’t get accused of rape if the person doesn’t feel raped..it’s really about if someone FEELS violated..apparently the verbal consent doesn’t apply in every state, so you would have to check your state’s law to find out if it applies. it applies in my state/the states my friends live in/every state i’ve looked into, but i haven’t researched the laws of every state (so far they have been consistent though). it isn’t about getting people in trouble, it is about making sure that people do not feel violated and respecting rights. it’s sad that consent gets taken for granted and that people believe that they have the right to do whatever they want to others without permission. also, commanding that someone do something could fall under coercion, and consent is not coercion. again, apparently there might be more variation in state laws than i am aware of so maybe this doesn’t apply in every state either. i just have done extensive research on this/am involved in educating people on campus about this. i was trained by the police/people who were trained by the police and given documents that had all of these definitions on them. i just take the law very seriously because i know many people who have been violated and it has shown me how important it is to get true consent.
and threat of force can even just be making someone FEEL threatened.
dude. we get it. you’re up on your consent laws. and we’re aware of your OPINION of the situation. is it necessary to start a combative dialogue with every person that posts an opinion different from yours?
Just because a rape occurs, doesn’t mean that woman will be beaten necessarily. Many rapes are personal and our rapists usually are people we know…not random, violent strangers. To hold them both culpable is a bit flawed if you’re going on the basis that she should have spoken up. Natalia did say something before…she said she wanted to take things slow.
Check your male privilege! We shouldn’t be promoting a society where women (and men) are half-responsible of their rape because they didn’t speak up…we should be promoting a society that doesn’t excuse rape at all.
Taking things slow is really vague. Definitions vary depending on who you talk to. I told a guy once, whom I didn’t want to date, that dating him would be like incest and he still didn’t get the message. I think we’re making a lot of assumptions that guys communicate and understand emotions the way women do–we’re different. My husband doesn’t always notice things like tone and body language whereas I might. We’re saying here that Adam should have taken Natalia’s meaningless declaration to ‘take things slow’ and then her reluctance to mean she didn’t want to have sex–well, sorry, maybe he would have understood a clear, “Um, no thanks, I’m leaving.”
Personally I feel that sometimes it’s up to the eye’s of the beholders. The couple always needs to communicate with each other at set their own rules and agreements.