Have you ever wanted to join a cult? Sometimes you just want to do what people tell you to do because it’s just so much easier that way. Also, matching outfits! Before you hit up Craigslist for cults, take a look at this list of pop culture’s best cult moments and live vicariously through them. It’s better this way.
10. The Stonecutters from The Simpsons.
“Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?/We do. We do,” sang The Stonecutters. Those snakes! “Why won’t those stupid idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?” laments our dear Homer. Finally he gets his chance and our portly hero has his initiation of being beaten with paddles in order to join the sacred, mysterious Stonecutters. Perks include great parking, secret routes for avoiding traffic and plumbers who actually fix your plumbing.
Lisa: What do they do there, Dad?
Homer: What do they do? What don’t they do? Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars.
Lisa: You don’t know what they do there, do you?
Homer: Not as such, no.
9. The witches’ coven from The Craft.
Let’s be logistical, the best scene in this entire movie was when Robin Tunney changed her hair color by simply running her hands thought it. Who didn’t want that super power? Lots of other stuff happened but I was stuck on how cool their fashion was. And the hair thing. I guess this coven is an allegory for teenage girls and their inner circles. Did I mention the cool hair thing?
8. The satanic cult from House of The Devil.
This is a great little gem of the movie. Shot in 2009, it purposefully has the look of those classic horror movies like Halloween and Friday the 13th. The less you know about this film the better. It’s more fun that way. So I’ll just tell you that Greta Gerwig is in it and that it makes you hungry for pizza.
7. The Church of Marilyn Monroe from Tommy.
The Who made this rock opera called Tommy that they later made into a film. Roger Daltrey plays a really sexy deaf, dumb and blind kid who is really good at pinball. Does anyone actually play pinball nowadays? Something to think about. In this scene, Ann-Marget as Tommy’s mom (who is so awesome I can barely breathe) takes Tommy to this church in hopes of curing him. At this church, Eric Clapton plays a guitar in front of a giant Marilyn Monroe statue while the cult members wear creeptastic Monroe masks. Just like in real life!
6. The satanic coven from Rosemary’s Baby.
“Satan is his father and his name is Adrian. Hail, Adrian! Hail, Satan!” was the chant of choice for this stylish Manhattan devil lovin’ group. Fun fact: I once dated this guy named Adrian who later called me an Ice Queen and said bad things about me to his friends, so this quote is a particular favorite of mine. Rosemary’s Baby warns us not to live in New York and not to marry actors or you’ll wind up being impregnated by Satan. It’s a lesson every girl needs to learn at some point.
5. The Village from The Prisoner.
I just started watching this show and I like it a whole lot. It’s like Lost but British and without sucking really hard. Sure, none of it is really logical but there’s some great outfits in this. I love nice outfits. The star, Patrick McGoohan, wears a sweet blazer. It’s black with white trim. I bought a blazer like it at American Eagle not knowing that years later I would see it on this show. Sometimes things just really work out, you know?
Oh, right, for the plot this dude quits his spy job and then he’s kidnapped and when he wakes up he’s on this weird island that’s like Fantasyland from Disneyland but with the possibility of death and he can’t escape. Actually that’s a lot like Disneyland.
4. The Death Eaters from Harry Potter and all the Harry Potters.
I don’t think anyone in this group really knew what they were doing. Especially in the last movie where after they destroy Hogwarts they all stand there in a big group like, “Yay we did it guys, now let’s have a chat with our opponents.” I don’t remember if this scene was in the book because unfortunately books aren’t like movies at all. I stared at my copy for hours and nothing happened. Maybe I broke my book. Then again, if we didn’t have this scene, we wouldn’t have the amazing moment where Voldemort awkwardly hugs Draco. In case you’re one of the four people who hasn’t read or seen anything Harry Potter, spoiler alert: Rosebud is the name of the sled.
3. The Movementarians of The Simpsons.
Yup, it’s the Simpsons again. I can’t help it, they’re so good. In this episode, Homer joins a cult and drags his family with him. They all trust “The Leader”, who doesn’t ever show his face. Marge is the only member of the family who hasn’t been brainwashed and with the help of Ned Flanders and Reverend Lovejoy she sets out to save her family.
Rev. Lovejoy: (spilling gasoline all over the church) I never thought I’d have to do THIS again.
This episode asks the question: what’s really the difference between underground cults and religion?
Rev. Lovejoy: This new so-called religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Now let’s say the Lord’s Prayer 40 times but first let’s pass the collection plate.
Bart: Church, cult, cult, church. So we’ll get bored someplace else every Sunday. Does this really change our everyday lives?
Then it suggests that maybe we’re so bombarded with media that we’re all brainwashed:
Lisa: It’s great that we can all think for ourselves again.
Announcer on TV: You are watching FOX.
Family: (Robotically) We are watching FOX.
Which is silly. No one actually has that frame of mind in real life. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go watch The Simpsons for five hours straight.
2. The Dharma Initiative of Lost.
Oh, that hapless group of jumpsuit-wearing misfits! The Dharma Initiative was a group of hippies – but with guns – who lived on the island in Lost. Now that the show’s over, I can’t even remember what the point of them was, since the whole crux of the Island wound up being about Alison Janney and her magical sons. But they did have a book club!
Speaking of book clubs…
1. The Church of Oprah
Oh, you don’t think that Oprah followers are a cult? Listen up, buddy. Team Oprah is a force to be reckoned with. Her following includes millions. She controls her staff with an iron fist. If you want to work for Oprah you basically have to sign your entire life away. Give up your hopes and your dreams and get to work on figuring out how to get 300 iPads for Oprah’s audience or you’re screwed. But just because her daytime show is over doesn’t mean that she is going away. Her new network ensures that her supreme rule and immortality. How does she do it? Her favorite things are actually her horcruxes. That’s why there’s so many.
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