Secret Single BehaviorMolly Franken

Ladies, ladies, ladies -

Let’s get real here. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty of personal antics. You all have them. Don’t deny it. Every single one of you take ownership of your weird, right here and right now. Yes, I’m talking about your secret single behavior. And don’t let the ‘single’ part of that phrase fool you. You don’t have to be single to have this type of behavior. In fact, you probably cherish this activity most when you’re in a relationship because you can break free from the chains of ::whispers:: your partnered self. Secret single behavior is that thing or things you only dare act out when you are absolutely alone.  While solo, you do it unabashedly and enjoy the s**t out of it. And, if you haven’t caught the reference already, I’m sure you are all familiar with the Sex and the City episode where the girls share theirs. Carrie owns up to eating stacks of saltines with grape jelly while standing in the kitchen flipping through fashion mags, Charlotte divulges her intense pore examinations and Miranda shares her Vaseline hand moisturizing technique accompanied by infomercial watching.  It got me to thinking, “What are my secret behaviors?” which led me to think “What are EVERYONE ELSE’S secret behaviors?’ And since I like to project my discomfort on to others I decided to send out my lady bat signal to gather up some of the answers. I have left these amazing answers anonymous because although I may like to make my friends squirm, I’m not cruel. Plus, I like my friends and want them to stick around for awhile (even if they are weird as hell).  So away we go!

- “Pluck my eyebrows at the dining room table because that is where the light is best.”

- “Walking around my neighborhood with scissors cutting other peoples flowers for a bouquet in my apartment.”

- “When I’m unsure of an outfit, I’ll use Photobooth to get a more ‘real-life’ view. In my head, the picture is a closer equivalent to how people actually see me. Writing this out just solidified my crazy.”

- “I choreograph stripper girl routines, with the music at full volume.  The music is sexy and in my head, so are my moves.  I do this when I am feeling bad or unattractive.  I feel sexier and happier after I do it.  Even though I am sure I look like a moron.”

- “I ‘plate’ my food all fancy-like and present it to myself.”

- “I will Nair my feet if I feel they get too ‘hairy’.”

- “I love watching those murder mystery shows on ID. I never bring it up with anyone, but all those horrible shows with Paula Zahn when she interviews the family and the murderer in jail. They show horrible re-enactments with bad actors.”

- “I try on clothes that rarely fit me as a means to see if I’ve gained or lost weight.”

- “I eat chocolate fudge cake while sitting on the couch watching romantic comedies.”

- “While I wait for coffee to be ready, I will sometimes eat peanut butter from the jar and salt each individual spoon bite.”

- “I will sit naked in my apartment, on a towel on the couch, and drink wine and smoke cigarettes while watching countless hours of Law & Order. I will pluck my errant pubic hairs sometimes while doing this.”

- “Doing squats and leg lifts while brushing my teeth.”

- “Google/Facebook old friends/exes while drinking wine – it’s like reading TMZ, except that I know everyone.”

- “Face freshly scrubbed, I love to sit in front of my makeup vanity mirror – you know, the one that magnifies the hell out of my face. I could tweeze the night away. Just when I think I’m finished – another fine little stray hair appears. I like to finish the plucking off with some serious pore examination. I could sit there for hours, squeezing & poking.”

- “Wake up on Saturday morning and do nothing but order Papa John’s and watch Full House.”

- “I wear a mouthguard to bed at night.”

- “One of mine is putting on my iPod, turning the volume all the way up, and singing along to each song as if I’m the half-time show at the Superbowl while I clean my bathroom.”

- “This week I have secretly been eating meat for lunch because it’s kosher for Passover and I have been hiding in the back of the cafeteria so no one knows I am doing it.  Before this I was a pescatarian for almost 7 years!”

- “Trimming hairs… everywhere!”

- “You know how in Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith and Christina ‘dance it out’.  I have been doing that for years, ever since I can remember.  It can range from modern dance, ballet or simply jumping around.”

- “Doing an Aztec secret clay mask while watching General Hospital.”

- “I get an embarrassing lot of takeaways [take out] when I’m alone. Miranda’s chinese- embarassing.”

- “Watching REALLY bad TV. This includes High School Musical and the sequels to The Cutting Edge. I believe they are ABC Family, made for TV. Also the Cinderella Story and its sequels.”

- “Doing the dishes in high heels – NAKED!”

And, those are just some of the answers I received! A lot of the answers had to do with plucking and poking and prodding and, surprisingly, many answers were similar. Ladies, don’t feel alone in your weird! I’m sure you all know what’s coming next. Yep, you got it. Your turn. Since we’ve proven everyone does it and you now have detailed accounts of the strange, tell us yours. What is your secret single behavior? The juicier, the better. I bet you will be surprised at the fact that you may even find your secret single behavior soulmate somewhere along the way.

Image via KellyAnnStudio

  • Katy Swarbrick

    I play Sid Meyers Civilization on my sofa whilst eating Haribo in a fancy negligee with videos of Gruff Rhys interviews playing on my ipad next to me.

    There are reasons I am single.

  • Beth Craig

    I have straight hair and I am constantly running my hands through my hair.. when I find one that is really, really curly I pull it out by the root and look at it… as if wondering why this one hair is in such a tight curl and the rest are so straight LOL

  • Jenn Bourget

    After I take a shower, I sit in front of my mirror and blast my music. While singing along in my underwear.

  • Joanna Kennedy

    I always sit naked in my house for hours after showering… until someone texts me and it scares me into getting dressed

  • Alison Faith Taylor

    I love these comments so, so, so much. This has completely made my morning.
    My normal home-alone routine involves:
    Hardcore dance parties through my house
    Singing at the top of my lungs
    Dressing up in my super-fancy clothes and uber-high heels
    Not eating real meals but just bites of whatever unhealthy thing I can find (in between dancing)
    Watching hours and hours of Law & Order: SVU, BBC movies, and TruTV
    Talking to myself (and inanimate objects. Yes, I did just apologize to the dishwasher for running into it.)
    Convincing myself I play guitar (I don’t) and recording myself doing so
    Yes, I have been called crazy.

  • Elliott Hinson

    Those are the reasons people will like you.

  • Beth Postelwait

    I sing a song about folding laundry. It’s called Folding Time and it’s sung to the tune of Closing Time. It’s pretty rad.

  • Lauren Elizabeth

    I eat ice cream out of the tub…and pour chocolate topping, and sprinkles into my mouth with every spoonful. I also do this with Nesquik and milk.

    I perform hair product commercials in the shower

    I sing the National Anthem at the top of my lungs in the shower

    I pretend I’m an actress and write my own awesome storylines in the shower

    I sometimes walk around the corners of my place holding a pretend gun Law and Order style lol

    I sing random made up songs about anything…like if I get a good grade it would be something like “You’re so awesome…yeah yeah yeah”

    Oh, there is soooo much more…I am totally not weird or anything! :)

  • Kesiah Marie

    I recently moved into my own place after breaking up with my fiance. Anyway, it’s my FIRST place without roommates or family or anything, so I’m starting to really get comfortable with myself. I go bathroom with the door open, I cook in the buff, and my biggest, weirdest habit is I will get COMPLETELY dolled up, all glamorous, pretty makeup and hair, for no reason whatsoever. I just like to try out new looks.

  • Jahh Rujirasenee

    I always say hi to all street cats and dogs. Bow meow haha !

  • Natalia Ross

    When everyone’s out of the house, it’s mainly me stripping to underwear, pulling my hair up into a ponytail with a headband, applying a face-mask, upping the volume on my music and waxing everything away….legs, underarms, you know. Everything. If I’m already hairless, it’s time for a glass of wine a bubble bath, and my iPod playing classical music….and some singing along to opera.

  • Stephanie Howell

    I seriously attack the ingrown hairs In my pubic region.
    Every time I turn on my dvd player it says Hello, and I have to say hi back or else I feel rude

    • Karina Ann Ellen Falkmann

      I use the self-checkouts at Safeway. When the machine says “Thank you for shopping at Safeway!” I say “You’re welcome” under my breath every. single. time.

  • Monica Carreon

    I thoroughly enjoy turning the conversations I have with myself into rock operas and 80’s style power ballads which i sing at the top of my lungs while simultaneously dancing around naked as my dog jumps around me. Sometimes he sings harmony, but most of the time I think he’s just terrified.

  • Tiffany Michelle Jeanty

    Most Definitely Mine is putting the music on loud in the shower and singing along like i’m Celine Dion….after the shower i put on my coolest outfit and dance to the song as if i’m a Go-Go Dancer on stage. Adrenaline rush for sure~!

  • Frankie Zoe Leinbach

    Love the comment about Cat Romance and All the Single Kitties. My dog’s name is Tig and I was definitely just singing “Tiggy Tiggy Tiggy can’t you see? Sometimes your ears just hypnotize me…” right before I read this!

  • Marelin Carcamo

    I like to pretend I’m movie actress and write my own awesome movies in the shower! =)

  • Jessica Conifer

    I won’t get TOO detailed because people I know will read this… but I do MANY of the above… especially the more disturbing ones… i also watch a lot of tween Disney movies after my kids have gone to bed. i also like to watch old 90’s shows like the whole Dawson’s Creek series or Felicity or My So-Called Life whilst doing those disturbing things.

  • Rae Ghun

    omg these all have me laughing because I do some of them or similar. I used to watch the marathons of Top Model (even though I didnt watch them when they actually aired) Laguna Beach, The Hills and other MTV crap (although I love Lauren Conrad because she was the realist). Then I would put on my high heels do my make up and play like I’m a model. Nowadays I dance around (preferably in my underpants) Sing loudly (and terribly) and pretend I’m on Broadway. If I had a pet, I’d probably talk to it and sing to it too…Oh and I run around the house because I can run and make sure I’m not going to knock myself out with one of my own basoomas.

  • Alise Versella

    i will sit in my room blast florence and the machine the pierces kate voegele and the like and pretend i am on stage rocking out! when i was a preteen i alos used to pretend i was hip swiveling shakira lol

  • Brea Davies

    I like to watch funny videos on youtube and laugh my head off, not caring how obnoxious or insane I sound. I talk to myself…a lot…and mostly in a British (English) accent. And my guilty-pleasure-food-that-I-gorge-on-while-watching-romantic-comedies is salt and vinegar chips!

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