Secret Single Behavior

Ladies, ladies, ladies –

Let’s get real here. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty of personal antics. You all have them. Don’t deny it. Every single one of you take ownership of your weird, right here and right now. Yes, I’m talking about your secret single behavior. And don’t let the ‘single’ part of that phrase fool you. You don’t have to be single to have this type of behavior. In fact, you probably cherish this activity most when you’re in a relationship because you can break free from the chains of ::whispers:: your partnered self. Secret single behavior is that thing or things you only dare act out when you are absolutely alone.  While solo, you do it unabashedly and enjoy the s**t out of it. And, if you haven’t caught the reference already, I’m sure you are all familiar with the Sex and the City episode where the girls share theirs. Carrie owns up to eating stacks of saltines with grape jelly while standing in the kitchen flipping through fashion mags, Charlotte divulges her intense pore examinations and Miranda shares her Vaseline hand moisturizing technique accompanied by infomercial watching.  It got me to thinking, “What are my secret behaviors?” which led me to think “What are EVERYONE ELSE’S secret behaviors?’ And since I like to project my discomfort on to others I decided to send out my lady bat signal to gather up some of the answers. I have left these amazing answers anonymous because although I may like to make my friends squirm, I’m not cruel. Plus, I like my friends and want them to stick around for awhile (even if they are weird as hell).  So away we go!

– “Pluck my eyebrows at the dining room table because that is where the light is best.”

– “Walking around my neighborhood with scissors cutting other peoples flowers for a bouquet in my apartment.”

– “When I’m unsure of an outfit, I’ll use Photobooth to get a more ‘real-life’ view. In my head, the picture is a closer equivalent to how people actually see me. Writing this out just solidified my crazy.”

– “I choreograph stripper girl routines, with the music at full volume.  The music is sexy and in my head, so are my moves.  I do this when I am feeling bad or unattractive.  I feel sexier and happier after I do it.  Even though I am sure I look like a moron.”

– “I ‘plate’ my food all fancy-like and present it to myself.”

– “I will Nair my feet if I feel they get too ‘hairy’.”

– “I love watching those murder mystery shows on ID. I never bring it up with anyone, but all those horrible shows with Paula Zahn when she interviews the family and the murderer in jail. They show horrible re-enactments with bad actors.”

– “I try on clothes that rarely fit me as a means to see if I’ve gained or lost weight.”

– “I eat chocolate fudge cake while sitting on the couch watching romantic comedies.”

– “While I wait for coffee to be ready, I will sometimes eat peanut butter from the jar and salt each individual spoon bite.”

– “I will sit naked in my apartment, on a towel on the couch, and drink wine and smoke cigarettes while watching countless hours of Law & Order. I will pluck my errant pubic hairs sometimes while doing this.”

– “Doing squats and leg lifts while brushing my teeth.”

– “Google/Facebook old friends/exes while drinking wine – it’s like reading TMZ, except that I know everyone.”

– “Face freshly scrubbed, I love to sit in front of my makeup vanity mirror – you know, the one that magnifies the hell out of my face. I could tweeze the night away. Just when I think I’m finished – another fine little stray hair appears. I like to finish the plucking off with some serious pore examination. I could sit there for hours, squeezing & poking.”

– “Wake up on Saturday morning and do nothing but order Papa John’s and watch Full House.”

– “I wear a mouthguard to bed at night.”

– “One of mine is putting on my iPod, turning the volume all the way up, and singing along to each song as if I’m the half-time show at the Superbowl while I clean my bathroom.”

– “This week I have secretly been eating meat for lunch because it’s kosher for Passover and I have been hiding in the back of the cafeteria so no one knows I am doing it.  Before this I was a pescatarian for almost 7 years!”

– “Trimming hairs… everywhere!”

– “You know how in Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith and Christina ‘dance it out’.  I have been doing that for years, ever since I can remember.  It can range from modern dance, ballet or simply jumping around.”

– “Doing an Aztec secret clay mask while watching General Hospital.”

– “I get an embarrassing lot of takeaways [take out] when I’m alone. Miranda’s chinese- embarassing.”

– “Watching REALLY bad TV. This includes High School Musical and the sequels to The Cutting Edge. I believe they are ABC Family, made for TV. Also the Cinderella Story and its sequels.”

– “Doing the dishes in high heels – NAKED!”

And, those are just some of the answers I received! A lot of the answers had to do with plucking and poking and prodding and, surprisingly, many answers were similar. Ladies, don’t feel alone in your weird! I’m sure you all know what’s coming next. Yep, you got it. Your turn. Since we’ve proven everyone does it and you now have detailed accounts of the strange, tell us yours. What is your secret single behavior? The juicier, the better. I bet you will be surprised at the fact that you may even find your secret single behavior soulmate somewhere along the way.

Image via KellyAnnStudio

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