You guys, I just want to let you know that I was originally going to recap “Rockumentary” – also known as “the episode where Casey Kasem talks about teen band sensation Zack Attack”, for this week’s Belz on Bell. However, I couldn’t even sit through the first minute of it based on how utterly unbelievable the entire premise is. If you demand your Zack Attack, let me know in the comments and I’ll suffer through it based on popular demand. All for my loyal readers!
Anyway, we start this episode with Zack walking into a classroom and noticing a brand new student. Her name is Robin and she just moved to Bayside from Beverly Hills! (It must be added that Robin is played by Soleil Moon Frye, who we love here at HelloGiggles.) (Soleil – if I rag on your character, I apologize in advance.)
Zack offers to give Robin a tour of the neighborhood but Robin refuses to be seen in Zack’s “old” car and gets the heck out of the conversation. The audience can’t believe her audacity! Someone turned down our precious Zack Morris?! He’s the son Belding never had!
Speaking of Belding, he walks in and announces that he’ll be teaching Communications this year. He said that being the school principal is about communication, so it’s super important. The project this term is to do a show for cable access. This is probably exactly how Wayne’s World got started in Aurora, Illinois.
Zack thinks it’d be good to do a Today show, but for teenagers. We flash forward and see that as per usual, Zack’s idea is the one that gets the go-ahead.
Slater announces to newscasters Zack and Lisa that they’ll be going live in one minute and uses that spare minute to ask Robin out on a date. Slater suggests they hit up the MAX for a couple of burgers, which Robin refuses. “Try me again when you have a craving for something expensive!” Robin retorts. Man, this chick is hard to please! Turning down both Slater AND Zack? You might want to take notes, Kapowski.
Slater doesn’t have much time to dwell – Wake-Up L.A. is live! On their premiere episode, Jessie is going to interview Belding. BORING!
Jessie’s intro is warm and loving but soon the caffeine hits and she turns the interview up a notch. “Mr. Belding – tell our parents, students, and neighbors – WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR PETTY CASH DISCREPANCY DISCOVERED BY THE SCHOOL BOARD?” Belding is taken aback – he just wanted to tell everyone how much he liked the Beach Boys, I’m sure!
Belding says that he’s sure there’s an explanation – it could have simply been a petty cash error. Jessie tries to throw him under the bus and mentions the BMW he’s driving these days. And since Bayside does sell BMWs for five hundred bucks, this totally makes sense.
“I thought we were going to talk about Pokey, my pet turtle,” Belding cries. Way to go, Jessie.
Next up is Kelly with weather. Wearing a gigantic pink coat, you know she’s going to somehow make this newscast creepy and sexual. Also, according to Kelly and her weather map, California only has six cities. This is educational television at its finest, you guys!
As expected, Kelly takes off the coat and is wearing a one-piece bathing suit.
Lisa and Zack introduce another segment – “Screech’s Kitchen”. Wearing checkered aprons, Screech does a demonstration on spaghetti sauce aided by his lucky assistant, A.C. Slater. Slater is in tears over the onions – or perhaps the rejection from Robin finally kicked in, and he’s blaming it on the onions – and gets to stirring. The final ingredient is, of course, a “secret ingredient” (I bet it’s oregano) which I’m sure will play a part in this episode.
The sauce is an absolute hit, with Zack saying it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. Obviously Zack’s never had Totinos Pizza Rolls, which bums me out.
The next day at school, Screech tells the guys that he’s signed around a hundred autographs so far. Slater and Zack obviously didn’t make a big impression, since they’ve signed zero. A nerd comes by to drop off a large sack of fan mail for Screech – really? He makes a sauce on public access and people think he’s a celebrity? Oh man, this might be more ridiculous than ‘Rockumentary’! What did I get myself into?
Zack immediately claims himself to be in the spaghetti sauce industry and he and Slater decide to exploit Screech to become rich. Overhearing the news, Robin saunters over to Screech and decides to give him the time of day. Enjoy this moment, Screech. I don’t think it’ll last long. Robin forces Screech to take her out to lunch, which means they’re super in love now.
Back in Bayside’s kitchen, Lisa, Kelly and Jessie are chomping on sauce like there’s no tomorrow. Zack and Slater decide to bottle the sauce in science flasks, to try and be hip and original. Also, since they got them for free at the chemistry lab. Jessie doesn’t seem to mind it, even though those flasks probably equal about $500 in petty cash. Plus, Lisa ran off about one thousand labels for “Screech’s Secret Sauce”, which proudly display a happy looking Chef Screech on the front. When Bayside needs to cut your music programs due to lack of funding, you guys are going to regret this.
Kelly actually brings up the fact that their business is stealing directly from the school but Zack eases her mind by reminding her that they’re students and the large majority of tomatoes in the Bayside kitchen are for student use. They were bought solely in case Zack decided to get rich off of a tomato sauce business one day.
Screech walks in and tries to brag about his date with Robin. “Looks like I have something you two don’t have – LOVER LIPS,” Screech announces, thoroughly grossing everyone out.
The gang forms an assembly line, which I’m sure will lead to zero disasters. Zack pours the sauce, Kelly funnels the sauce, Slater wipes the sauce, Jessie corks the sauce, Lisa labels the sauce and Screech packs the sauce. But before the sauce can get into the boxes, Screech pauses and announces to the group that he resembles Doogie Howser on the label. And with that, sauce goes everywhere.
Screech attempts to shut down the line, but of course he pulls the mechanism that makes the line go faster. I’m sure this will make for a hilarious story when Screech goes on his publicity tours.
Next up is shooting a commercial for the sauce. Costumed and looking heavyset, Zack and Jessie portray a stereotypical Italian couple getting ready for dinner. Or in their terms, “What’s-a for supper?”
“I clean-a your house, I raise-a your keeds and all you can ask is what’s-a for supper!” an outraged Jessie proclaims, after smacking Italian Zack in the head.
Lisa and Kelly portray Italian Zack’s two daughter, while Slater – in a wife beater – acts as their “good for nothing brother” Aw heck, you can just see it for yourself.
Kudos to Slater, for fitting “We’re Saved By The Bell!” in there.
As promised, Zack and Slater have a booth set up at the MAX and students make sure to grab a bottle. To grab more attention (read: make more scandalous cash), the girls do a cheer in Italian-themed uniforms. Hey wait, what happened to their cable access show?
In walks Screech – once again, in oversized “cool” clothes that he most likely stole from Johnny Dakota – with Robin on his arm. “LOOK – IT’S SCREECH!” a nerd announces loudly, while grabbing for some sauce for Screech to sign. But before Screech can respond, Robin cuts him off. “Come on, Screechypoo. Baby’s hungry.” GUH-ROSS.
Robin sits down and orders a lobster thermidor, which obviously The MAX doesn’t have. Kelly offers up a tuna melt instead. Robin insists they have it next door and Screech gives 40 bucks to Kelly for “two lobster thermometers”.
Screech then gifts Robin with a watch she spotted the day before. Robin asks for additional gifts, stating that she just can’t wear the watch without the matching necklace. Overhearing, Kelly goes running back to the sauce stand to announce to the gang what everyone else in the world knew within the first minute of the episode: Robin is only interested in money!
Zack tells the gang that he’ll talk about it with Screech, which he attempts to do the next day over by the lockers. “She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me!” Screech announces.
Down the stairs walks Belding, who is looking over some suspicious invoices. “Printing, produce, chemistry supplies… this stuff wasn’t in my budget!”
Put two and two together, Belding! Look at the bottle! Do you wonder why it’s in a chemistry flask? These kids are like, seventeen!
After Belding leaves, Zack tries to discuss Robin again but they’re interrupted once again by an unnamed dude from the Betsy Crocker company. They’ve sampled the sauce and recognize it as being a sauce directly from their cookbook. Screech admits this freely to Zack, claiming that his grandmother – who “invented” the sauce – was a lousy cook. I think the term “Uh Oh Spaghettios” fits in nicely here.
I, personally, am wondering how the Betty Crocker dude even got into the school and found Screech so easily. What kind of security does Bayside have if a random professional can just walk in and harass a student?
The gang decides to ignore Screech for ruining their stupid moneymaking scam and Screech doesn’t care so much since he has Robin to occupy him. Who needs friends when you have Robin around, right? Zack decides that this is the perfect time to break the news to Screech. Screech thinks that Zack is just really jealous, and flags down Robin to give her the matching necklace he bought for her.
But it’s not the right necklace! But Robin wants to keep it anyway – she wants two necklaces now! And trust me, this one wasn’t bought at Claire’s, like the majority of my accessories.
Screech asks if Robin will only date him if he buys the necklace in gold and Robin flat-out admits it. But Screech still doesn’t understand and rushes out to make the purchase. Robin’s friend comes in and the two compare jewelry but pretty soon, Robin starts ragging on Screech. Of course Screech forgot his wallet in his locker, so he accidentally hears the whole onslaught.
While the gang puts away their remaining inventory while lamenting over the forced shut-down, Screech comes in and admits that Zack was right all along. Everyone’s friends again! But uh oh – in walks Belding and he looks annoyed!
“You must think I’m pretty dumb,” Belding announces. Oh yes – he finally figured out how the sauce business was being funded. The kids borrowed fifteen hundred dollars and Belding demands that they pay it back or suffer suspension. The only problem is, all of the money they made was spent buying stupid stuff for Robin.
Zack thinks of a plan! While taking Robin out on another romantic MAX date, Screech apologies to her for not buying that second necklace yet – he’s simply been too busy. However, he has more money now than ever. Screech tells Robin that he’s planning on selling the business to spend more time with her, which Robin severely disagrees with.
Screech is actually in the midst of meeting someone whose interested in the recipe and in walks Zack with a black hat and adhesive facial hair. Adding to the prank, Slater and the girls run in to tell Screech that they need more sauce – they just received 100 more orders! Screech breaks the news to them about selling and they all fake a bidding war until Robin decides that the recipe must be hers. She gives over $1,800 and Screech’s jewelry to make up for the $2,000 fake-Zack had offered prior.
Soon after, Robin dumps Screech in favor of riches and fame. Screech doesn’t seem too heartbroken as he’s already set up another date – with Robin’s best friend.
Lessons Learned: You can have the sauce, but the secret? She’s-a Screeches. Also the rest of the world’s, if they bought the Betty Crocker cook book.
Bonus Lesson: If you steal from Betty Crocker, SHE WILL FIND YOU.