Yes. This is that episode.
Jessie is sitting at the Max, drinking a cup of coffee. In walks Zack, wearing a hip, blue-striped shirt and carrying a soda. Zack tells everyone that the Geometry midterm is this weekend and scores a seat next to Screech.
“Eugh – I hate coffee!” Jessie exclaims. “Susie, can I have another cup please?” The audience laughs, not yet realizing how serious this will soon become. Jessie explains that she’s been up half the night trying to study for Geometry, and she still doesn’t understand it. You said it, sister. I cried every day in Geometry class – since all of a sudden the circles and triangles I knew and loved were confusing and out to get me. Jessie is set to go to Stanford, and she’s known people who have gotten straight As but have still been turned down.
Slater walks in and comments on how guys are great at math. “It’s a shame you weren’t born a man,” he quips. Really? I feel bad for Kelly – her whole arc on this series was figuring out whether or not to take Zack or Slater to whatever dance, and they’re both jerks. “It’s a shame you weren’t born one either,” Jessie responds. Nice!
Meanwhile, Kelly and Lisa are by the jukebox. “Jessie, put the books away! The test isn’t till Friday!” Kelly says. Then she and Lisa break out into song. That’s what my friends and I do all the time!
“Tonight’s the night we’re going to make it happen,” sing Lisa and Kelly, offkey. “Tonight we’ll put all other things aside. Give in this time and show me some affection. We’re going for the pleasuresindanaaiii.” (Okay, that wasn’t the last phrase, but I’ve literally rewound the scene about 9 times and can’t figure it out.)
Once the girls are done, Zack lets them know that his Dad knows a record producer and they’re looking for a new girl group similar to New Kids on the Block. Zack, already with dollar signs in his eyes, says that he can be their manager and that they should give it a shot. Spoiler Alert: I’ve suddenly figured out how Zack Attack launched.
The girls deny him, saying that their singing is pretty much geared towards a locker room as opposed to a studio. At least they’re aware that they aren’t good.
Back in Geometry class, Mr. Dewey is handing back quizzes. In typical sitcom fashion, he’s announcing the grades out loud so that everyone can hear. Did anyone ever have teachers that actually did that? I mean, I sneaked a peek at the grades of the people around me but if my Geometry teacher announced all of those Fs I got, I think my crying would have turned into uncontrollable sobbing. And perhaps a caffeine addiction that I just couldn’t shake.
Jessie gets a C, which bums her out. “C? C?!” she says in a panic. “Si, Senorita, but this is Geometry, not Spanish,” Dewey responds. Slater tells Jessie that he’ll help her study and they agree to meet at her house at 7. Meanwhile, Zack pulls Screech aside and tells him to be prepared to record the girls locker room. Since that’s where they sing, Zack needs to get a tape of their vocals despite the fact that they’re clearly not interested.
However, all Jessie is doing in the locker room is studying. “Does anyone know how to bisect the vertex angle of an isosceles triangle?” she asks. Personally, I get nervous. All of those past Geometry fears are coming back to me. I promise I won’t start sobbing uncontrollably mid-recap – or will I?
In walks Screech in drag, pretending to be a creepy, tiny, Irish janitor. Once again, the girls have no clue that it’s one of their best friends. Screech says that when he gets depressed over things, he sings a song. Kelly claims that this is a great idea, despite the fact that it came from a random stranger.
Screech introduces himself as Sinead O’Connor. “Come on lassies, let’s cheer up and sing!” Offkey, the girls decide to sing ‘I’m So Excited’, even though none of them discuss the song choice prior to.
Back at Jessie’s house, Slater is trying to help lecture Jessie. The textbook has a gigantic “G” on it, so it must be for Geography, right? Oh, I hope he’s not accidentally reading her a German book or a book about Gnomes. She’d surely fail.
“Would you marry me and take the test for me?” Jessie says with flirty eyes. She knows things don’t work out that way, right? Slater ignores the comment and Zack pops in through Jessie’s window with great news. The record producer loved the secret tape! Zack has some explaining to do. “You violated our privacy? That’s disgusting!” Jessie states. She’s right – that is pretty heinous. However, she’s also flattered – the producer thinks she’s the best of the three! Zack heads out and Slater says he should be going home soon. They’ve been studying for four hours and he’s exhausted.
With no hesitation, Jessie offers him a pill, called CheapAlert. Slater gets a little concerned – the pills state they’re stronger than coffee and may be habit forming. Casually, he tells Jessie that she shouldn’t be taking them and Jessie agrees. As Slater heads out, the two of them kiss!
But the second Slater leaves, Jessie grabs the book, and pops another pill or five.
At the Max, Jessie is sitting down with Mr. Belding. It’s so weird seeing Belding out of the school, I won’t lie. Belding says that he’d write her a great recommendation and comments on her almost-straight-A average. “Almost isn’t good enough for Stanford!” Jessie whines. Belding says that if it makes her feel better, he got a C in Geometry. Stop rubbing it in, you guys. I got a D.
Belding says that no matter what, there are a lot of great colleges out there – even colleges good enough for Zack! “That’s probably where I’ll wind up!” Jessie laments. Actually Jessie, you were one of the few who didn’t sign up for The College Years. Don’t worry!
Jessie has a hot-pink-border fantasy of college or, to be specific, Surf University. Surf University has beach chairs and pretty women and it’s the only place Jessie was accepted after getting a C in Geometry. Mr. Dewey is also at Surf University but his lectures are all about sunblock. This is truly Jessie’s nightmare! A nightmare that only makes her need to ace this test, no matter what.
In the hallway, Zack tells the girls that while the producer loves them, they have competition: Buns on the Run, Spiked Earlobes and the Zit Hit Machine. “What if they don’t choose us?” Kelly asks, with worry. Well, Kelly, your life will probably be just the same as it was before, since you didn’t even know you were taped.
Zack dubs the girls “Hot Sundae” – which they seem to enjoy – but already, the future pressure is getting to Jessie. She just has too much stuff to do. And once the bell rings and the group disperses, she takes another pill.
Wearing leotards and hot pants, Hot Sundae’s music video is … well, atrocious. But I’m sure in the 80s, it was really cool. Using slow-mo techniques, spontaneous costume changes, trampolines and synchronized dance, ‘Go For It’ is bound to be a hit.
And it is! The next test is a live performance at the MAX. Jessie notes that she has to study but the girls convince her after Slater tells her she’s ready. Slater’s about to take a test as well and needs to borrow a pen. Jessie tells him to look in her bookbag and he finds… THE PILLS.
“Jessie, those pills are dangerous,” he says. “Yeah, so is Geometry!” She needs them to stay awake and study, and tells Slater he needs to mind his own business.
Back in class, Jessie is super pumped – ready for the exam and loving Lisa’s earrings. Also, Kelly seems to be wearing a bikini top with a denim jacket. I’m more focused on that than Jessie’s amped and caffeinated personality. Shouldn’t someone give Kelly an intervention on appropriate school-wear?
Jessie is first to finish the exam and she knows she aced it. On the pills, she announces formulas to her pupils out loud. Post-test, Slater brings Zack outside to have a serious talk.
“I think Jessie’s taking drugs,” Slater states. Zack gets defensive, saying they’re probably only vitamins and he’s not going to listen to the debate any more.
After a great rehearsal, it’s time for the live event! Zack walks into Jessie’s room to see her asleep on the bed. Delusional, Jessie mumbles something about the Geometry test and then questions where Zack is taking her. She wants to wash her hair, but Zack claims there’s no time. “NO TIME, THERE’S NEVER ANY TIME!” Jessie screams. She’s so confused!
Jessie grabs for the pills. She needs them – she has to sing! She’s so excited! She’s so excited! She’s so … scared! Jessie crumbles into a pile on Zack’s shoulders and he tells her that they’ll get through this. Remember that time when they sneaked out to see E.T. in the dark? They were scared then, too.
Back at the Max, the girls are lipsyching with Screech as Jessie’s alternative. Slater tries to apologize to the record executive but he looks pretty certain that Buns on the Run will be getting the deal.
Back at home, Jessie is in bed, surrounded by friends. Her mom is bringing her in for counseling tomorrow. And Slater brought flowers! He’s still totally into her! Everyone apologizes for the whole Jessie/Drugs incident. Friends forever.
Lessons Learned: Singing in a locker room could land you a record deal. Also, I guess I really should watch my caffeine intake.