The episode starts out with science partners Jessie and Slater at the MAX, on either side of the worst plastic volcano I’ve ever seen. It actually looks somewhat like a baked potato from a fast food restaurant. Jessie wants to call the plastic disaster “Mount St. Jessie”, while Slater opts for “Slater’s Crater”. If they ask me, I would have told them to name it “7th Place in the Science Fair – Get Real, Guys”. Slater tests the volcano and mountains of seltzer water flow out.
Zack’s Science partner is Screech, who pretty much did the entire project himself. It’s an Electromagnetic… something or other. Screech said that it succeeded with driving his pet canary crazy, which I’m sure will be a huge draw at the Fair. In walks Lisa – Screech’s dream girl.
“If you really like Lisa, go for it!” Kelly states. This is bound to be misleading. Kelly and Lisa are friends, thus Kelly has to know that Lisa can’t stand the dude. If one of my friends told a guy I wasn’t into to “go for it”, I’d quickly realize that I have terrible friends.
Zack talks him out of it. “Have you ever seen Einstein with a chick?” he asks. Screech goes for it anyway. Running towards Lisa in slow motion with arms open, Lisa reciprocates. Later, we see another dude going to accept the hug. I bet it’s Jason, who wanted her to cut her hair at Jessie’s sleepover!
For some reason this scene has been imprinted in my mind since childhood, so I stifle a legitimate laugh.
Rejected, Screech leaves The Max. His melancholy demeanor follows him to Zack’s house, where he loses concentration on his science project. “You gotta practice with being cool,” Zack says. “Something to grab her attention.”
Screech tests his new lines on Sally Dunsky but loses his cool when his hand goes through a trash can. His recovery story about Chinese acrobats is a total fail. He also trips over Zack’s “Miss Universe” line, and Sally angrily stomps away. Screech decides to hide in his locker. And, man – Dustin Diamond is either a tiny guy, or Bayside has gigantic lockers, since I tried to see if I could fit in my locker once and barely got half of my arm in.
“I just thought of someone who might like you,” Zack states. “Why don’t you go take a few laps on the gym, and I’ll work on it!” He approaches Jessie, who feels compassion over the situation – before she realizes it’s Screech. “Are you crazy? Me go out with Screech?!” Jessie suddenly grabs for something in her purse. It’s a bunch of caffeine pills!
No, I’m just joking. We’re not there yet. Soon. I promise.
After ten seconds, Screech comes back from the laps and Zack – realizing his science project is on the line – tells him that the girl will call him. At least it’ll buy Zack some time.
Slater is on the payphone in the hallway when Screech demands use. Remember payphones? They seem like a beautiful, distant memory.
Screech is expecting his ladycall at school. Slater decides to give Screech a pep talk and tells him to be himself. His ladyfriend is probably even more nervous, Slater assures him.
Finally, the phone rings! “You’ve seen me around? And you LIKE me?” Screech screeches. Her name is Bambi. And she takes the form of one Zack Morris.
While Zack tries to girl up his voice, he makes his call to Screech in the men’s bathroom – right when Mr. Belding is occupying the first stall. Bambi sounds partly Southern and partly Gumby – and he/she flees when Belding starts to believe that Bambi is talking to him. “It’s hero worship,” he announces as he’s doing his business. Belding compares principals to sports stars and says that the student/Principal relationship would never come to fruition.
Thankfully Slater walks in to hear the one-sided conversation. “What have you done with Bambi!” Belding announces. “She’s a girl who was just in here with me! Well.. not with me.” The damage of Belding’s mangled words is already done. Slater pats him on the back and says he’ll keep the Bambi secret between the three of them. “I’m never going to the bathroom again!” Belding states. TMI, Belding!
The next day, a tired Zack sits in a classroom as an excited Screech enters the room. He talked to Bambi all last night! Screech realizes that he needs to meet Bambi, which causes Zack to panic. “She’s having an identity crisis,” he stammers. Screech, once again feeling rejected, walks out of the room. Zack does a show of hands with the camera to poll who in the audience thought that his prank was mean. I raised my hand high. Real high. I mean, come on. I guess Zack figured he’d have Bambi phone-break up with Screech after the Science Fair, which is even crueler. There’s no way that canary device would win.
Seconds later, an unnamed student calls everyone outside. Screech has handcuffed himself to the school lockers, in protest for Bambi. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do science projects… I’m not leaving this locker till I meet Bambi, Zack!” Uh oh.
The school moves the lockers and Screech into Mr. Belding’s office. I guess the janitor didn’t have a lock cutter around. Screech, who must have had those handcuffs in his pocket all along, probably enjoyed seeing those janitors struggle with the locker weight. At least the janitors would have felt his pain. Belding notes the name Bambi as being familiar, and calls Zack down to his office. In the meantime, Kelly cheerfully walks in to use her locker.
“Have Bambi at the MAX at 4:00 to meet with him,” Belding orders Zack. Even though he can’t officially order him to do so, he gives an open threat to Zack that his semester might be miserable if he doesn’t comply.
Lisa and Jessie meet up with Zack at Zack’s house with a box of accessories. Zack is planning on dressing up like Bambi, and while thinking of how degrading it all is, requests a dress in blue.
Screech is at the MAX right on time, dressed to the nines with half-dead flowers. Magician Max gives him a new bouquet, which looks more like a feather duster. In walks “Bambi” -with a red wig and pink glasses, Bambi-Zack saunters over to Screech.
Screech introduces Bambi to Slater, who only realizes Bambi is Zack after awkwardly hitting on him. Kelly also can’t tell the difference. Slater forces Screech to give Bambi a kiss in order to make Lisa jealous, but Zack insists that he go over his “Rules for ‘Livin’ and Lovin’” beforehand. Here are those rules:
- Straighten your hair and dye it blonde.
- Bambi is allergic to all types of animals
- Bambi is very possessive, and must have him all to herself. Screech MUST get rid of Zack.
Screech claims that he can’t ditch Zack (Aww!), and the two of them call it quits. Screech goes home to complete his project, and Jessie walks over to “Bambi” and says that it was a nice thing he did for a friend. “It was just for my Science Project!” Zack says, like a complete jerk. But I have a feeling that it wasn’t. And I think Zack also knows – deep down – he cares about his little electricity-haired buddy.
Lessons Learned: If your best friend needs a good disguise, throw them in a dress and absolutely nobody will be able to recognize them. And when the love of your life isn’t into you, absolutely anyone will do. After all, true passionate love can be obtained by just one phone call.