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San Diego is for Lovers: The Real World Season Premiere

Last night, MTV’s bastion of youth and insanity, The Real World, premiered for its 26th season and is just as mind-numbingly ridiculous as ever. The show still manages to, horrifyingly and accurately, depict a large sect of modern twenty-somethings. I’ve always viewed the show from a point of incredulity and disbelief. I whole-heartedly believe that there are thousands of people just like this – this outrageous, this extreme, this sheltered, this lacking of common sense, etc. – while simultaneously knowing that not one person I know comes even close to this level of stupidity. It’s fascinating. And I love it.

Let’s quickly get acquainted with the new cast. It’s the usual mix of race, age and sexual orientation. We’ve got Priscilla, who at 19 is the youngest (and only one under 21), from San Diego where the show happens to take place. Ashley is a boring blonde girl with a good body and typical girly-girl feelings. Sam is a lesbian who plans to be just one of the guys (much to their dismay) and lastly, Alexandra, the one with the Curse of The Boyfriend Back Home. Which brings us to the males, starting with our most volatile character, who is immediately and insanely infatuated with Alex(andra), Frank, a bisexual hipster. Nate is a good ol’ boy from Kansas City and is definitely going to have a problem with his roommates’ sexuality but can at least confide in the last roommate, Zack, who looks like Thor and Tim Riggins. Hellooooooo, ladies!

Right off the bat we get a taste for Nate’s hyper personality as he tears through the house slamming Monster energy drinks and playing with every toy he could possibly find. At least this guy knows how to have a good time. He’s Andrew WK if Andrew WK lived in Branson his entire life. Nate goes and purchases Jagermeister for everyone and now we’re in the hot tub, of course. Sam explains her gender very openly which makes at least three people uncomfortable. Nate and Zack because of their homophobia and Frank because he was obviously counting on being the ‘gay one’ in the house for ultimate screen-time.

Frank takes back the attention post-hot tub when he jumps in the shower with the girls and exposes his penis not 3 hours after they’ve unpacked. I can tell there will be plenty more of this to come in the season.

Later on the roommates decide to just stay in for their first night because Priscilla is underage, oh and also a huge idiot. Here are two reasons why: 1. She’s 19 and on The Real World and did not get a fake ID. 2. She asked if there were beaches in Kansas City. After a pretty uneventful beginning of the evening, five of the housemates go for an ‘alcohol run’ but really ditch Priscilla and Nate out to find a bar. Which yields positive results for Nate. He makes his move on Priscilla night one and they get into a light make-out sesh. Meanwhile, at the bar, Frank is falling in love with Alexandra regardless of her boyfriend, Byron, who happens to live just over in Los Angeles. Can’t wait for him to visit.

The next morning Frank continues to chase Alexandra who – and let’s hope she’s pretending – seemingly doesn’t notice. She predicts they’ll be great friends! What could go wrong! She tells Frank that Byron is her soulmate and he is somehow unfazed by this information. At least he’s got drive.

Nate, who split atoms in college, continues to act like a spazzed out 6-year-old with too much sugar in his system while he plays around in the pool and Sam comments on her roommate’s, Ashley’s, fine ass. And to be fair, it really is nice.

In the confessional room, Tim Riggins and Nate hetero-out about Nate’s hook-up with Priscilla and the fact that they’re both amazingly homophobic and ‘weirded out’ by Frank’s bisexuality. If it weren’t so sad, it’d be funny watching these two ‘grown’ men squirm in their skin about all of this. 10 bucks says they both participated in some form of the Princeton Rub in college. By the way, Nate wants me to remind you that he’s a nuclear scientist or something. I don’t know. Don’t worry, he’ll mention it again in four minutes.


That night they all, sans young Priscilla, go out to da club 2 get sillyyyyyy. Everyone is drinking heavily, as they are wont to do, when Frank spies across the room his sweet, precious Alexandra talking to a bro in a neon tank-top. Frank is noticeably affected with the ‘thousand-yard stare’ and goes over to see what’s up. He awkwardly ‘boyfriends’ himself into the situation like a complete psychopath and then continues to drink more. Naive Alexandra comments, “Maybe Frank is into me more than a friend?”. Oh? You think so, Alexandra? She must be deaf, dumb, and blind. If only there were a nuclear scientist somewhere to explain things to her…

The feces really hits the fan when two unwanted guests to their VIP area get in an argument with Frank and Sam. Frank asks them to leave after they start snaking their alcohol and in retort one of the blurred-faces uses the F-word. Not the one that rhymes with duck. Frank flies off the handle and nearly rips the woman’s head off putting quite the damper on the evening.

Back home, Frank needs to get to the bottom of things with Alexandra. I mean, it IS day two and they haven’t been married yet. So like, what gives, bra? I almost spit out my drink when he point blank asks her, “Am I not, like, cute enough?” Woah! Here come the insecurities. The girl has a boyfriend and he’s known her for less than 48 hours but that’s not matter- dude’s in LOVE! And it’s that rare, precious, romantic, straight PSYCHO kill-your-cat-and-leave-it-in-your-glove-box kind of love. Awwww!

This yogurt is great! When I’m finished I’m going to take a bath in your blood! La la la!

He throws a tantrum because he can’t have what he wants and he even punches the wall like a big baby. Amazingly, Alexandra takes all of this very calmly and tries to talk him down. When he becomes to exasperated good ol’ Tim Riggins gives her a classic Dillon pep-talk while Frank yells in the background and calls a friend from home to inform them that, of course, none of his roommates like him.

The best/worst/most-second-hand-embarrassment-moment comes when Alexandra asks if Frank, quite literally, would like to be alone. He takes this metaphorically and screams ‘Do I EVER want to be alone?! DO I EVER WANT TO BE ALONE?!’ while smiling maniacally. Ladies and gentleman, this is the Joker.

What are you guys talking about? Murder?

The show ends with Frank collapsed in the confessional but what is truly telling of the season to come, and of seasons past, is that the roommates bring him a blanket and pillow and tell him goodnight. You see, in these mad-houses of hormones and vodka-Red-Bulls, they’re still a family. They are bonded by their shared insanity and general lack of how the world or regular human beings act. So, in conclusion, I’d say the premiere was pretty great. Because at the end did I feel much, much better about my lackluster and disappointing life? Of course I did! And that’s what I want from my reality television. Isn’t that what we all want? To feel better about ourselves? High five dudes! We don’t suck THIS badly!

Until next week.

PS- Did I mention that Nate is a nuclear scientist or something? Dude split atoms! Recognize!