In general, I would consider myself a rule follower. When I was 9, I was pulled over by a cop (with lights and sirens) while riding a Ninja Turtle mini-bike because I rode through a cross walk without the proper signal. You might think riding a Ninja Tutle mini-bike would be cool, but at the time it was horrifying and I wished I had a shell that I could retract my head into and hide until puberty was over. I didn’t get a ticket or anything, just years of teasing from my peers and a serious devotion to the proper use of crosswalks. And that day began a lifetime of following rules.
But some rules are just begging to be broken.
Hair Product- The back of my conditioner advises the use of a quarter sized dollop. Um, ya right. Let’s get real here. It’s more like a softball sized.
Raw Cookie Dough Gives You Salmonella- I have been eating raw cookie dough for 27 years. And guess what. Even if I had, it would still be worth the risk. It’s the new and improved raw food diet. Ya know…raw cookie dough, raw cake batter, raw ice cream, raw Kit-Kat bars…
The Customer Is Always Right- No, their not. Sometimes the customer is so wrong that you want to quantify their wrongness with your foot to their face. This is one of those feelings that should not be acted on. Feel solace, however, in the fact that they are wrong. Really, really wrong.
Father Knows Best- One rainy day growing up in Portland, my dad convinced me to eat a worm. Fathers are not to be trusted.
Thumper’s Mantra- “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Or you can just do what I do. Have the conversation you wish you had with your awful boss/mean co-worker later…with yourself. I recommend the shower or your car. Oh man, you can really thing of some zingers in the car. Say it, just say it to yourself.
No Dogs Allowed- If you saw how cute my dog was on the beach, dogs would be allowed.
Making Ugly Faces- As a child, whenever I scrunched my face into an scrunched-up, wrinkled disaster, my mom would apathetically warn, “Be careful, your face might stay that way.” Guess what? That’s not true. I have been frowning for decades and each time I stop, my face returns to it’s normal state. Frown it up, peeps.
Dating Games- The days of the guys always paying and waiting three days to call are over.
Got any other rules that should not be followed? Leave ‘em in the comments.
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