I Should Not Be Reviewing Movies

Robot Farts: ‘The Avengers' For Dummies

Are you a dummy? Me too. At least when it comes to The Avengers. I have never read any of the comic books and when people started lining up at theaters, I felt really left out of the cool crowd. Comic book people are way cooler than me. I just can’t help it. When Thor came out last May, I enjoyed it quite a bit, but I was definitely lost for the first 10 minutes. I mean, what? Are we even on Earth? Why are you wearing antlers?

So to prepare for the upcoming release of The Avengers, I studied up on the story and now I’m an expert. No, I’m not. But I’m no longer a dummy. Except in the areas of exercise, diaper changing and budgeting money. I still have no clue what I’m doing in those really important arenas. So if, like me, you plan on seeing The Avengers without reading any of the comic books, I put together a little cheat about the characters and back stories. Feel free to print this out and annotate because there might be a quiz later. No there won’t.

The basic storyline is woven around The Tesseract, which is an energy source that everybody wants. Basically, imagine that they invented a cheese that had no calories, improved your memory and made your eyelashes grow. Eveyone would want that cheese. Everyone wants the Tesseract. It starts out in the hands of the Good Guys, but then the Bad Guy comes and steals it and the war commences. Here’s the character breakdown:

 The Good Guys-

Black Widow-

First of all, big ups to Scarlet for remaining such a sexy lady despite having the voice of a man. I am seriously wondering if she does the voice-over for the booming deep Batman voice. As a fellow deep-voiced lady, I just have so much love for her. She is really opening doors for us.

Black Widow’s real name is Natasha Romanova and she is an ex-Soviet spy that rocks a catsuit with a tool belt. Maybe tool belts are in now, because she makes it look pretty good. She doesn’t really have a special weapon except her body and she knows martial arts and stuff. She is a major badass.


Or as I call him, “The Hair”. Thor is the Nordic God of Thunder from Asgard (which is another world or planet or maybe Heaven, I don’t really know) and the brother of Loki. He has a special hammer that he can summon to him and bludgeon people with. He speaks with and old-timey English accent and his hair is always more beautiful than mine has ever been.

And might I add that the simple fact that he is this good looking and his real-life brother, Liam Hemsworth, is equally as good looking is proof that life is not fair at all.




Ironman is like the baddest good-guy in the game. Or maybe is is the goodest bad-boy. Confusing. All I know is Robert Downey Jr. is amazing to me.

Ironman’s power comes from this crazy suit of armor that he wears. It can pretty much do anything. Fly in outer space? Sure. Swim miles underwater? No prob. Save a woman falling from a building? Of course! Also, he is hooking up with Pepper Potts (Gwyneth) and he is super rich and arrogant. He is also one of the funniest heroes and I would want to be his real-life friend.


Captain America-

Basically, this guy (a.k.a. Steve Rogers) was battling evil in the 1940s when he was frozen in some arctic ice. 70 years later, he was woken up and is now the unofficial leader of The Avengers. He seems to be the peacemaker, but I just think he is ‘the boring one.’



Clinton Barton was orphaned as a child and then joined a traveling circus. He is a master archer and also had a little fling with Ms. Black Widow. After being perceived as a criminal, he offers his services to The Avengers to change his ways. He would probably be friends with Katniss.


The Incredible Hulk-

Robert Bruce Banner is, by far, my favorite superhero. He is this sheepish little nice guy who explodes into a green monster if you mess up his Starbucks order. He got this way after a major radiation exposure. No more X-rays for me! It seems he is reformed, though. Trying to keep The Hulk hunkered down unless he really needs him. I don’t know if he has any weaknesses, I’m pretty sure he is indestructible.

Nick Fury-

This guy was injected with a serum that slows down the aging process. Also, he has an eyepatch. Also, he hates snakes….wait…..he’s a pirate? Moving on.

1 2Continue reading

Need more Giggles?
Like us on Facebook!

Want more Giggles?
Sign up for our newsletter!