I Should Not Be Reviewing Movies Robot Farts: ‘The Avengers' For Dummies Ali Ashbaker

Are you a dummy? Me too. At least when it comes to The Avengers. I have never read any of the comic books and when people started lining up at theaters, I felt really left out of the cool crowd. Comic book people are way cooler than me. I just can’t help it. When Thor came out last May, I enjoyed it quite a bit, but I was definitely lost for the first 10 minutes. I mean, what? Are we even on Earth? Why are you wearing antlers?

So to prepare for the upcoming release of The Avengers, I studied up on the story and now I’m an expert. No, I’m not. But I’m no longer a dummy. Except in the areas of exercise, diaper changing and budgeting money. I still have no clue what I’m doing in those really important arenas. So if, like me, you plan on seeing The Avengers without reading any of the comic books, I put together a little cheat about the characters and back stories. Feel free to print this out and annotate because there might be a quiz later. No there won’t.

The basic storyline is woven around The Tesseract, which is an energy source that everybody wants. Basically, imagine that they invented a cheese that had no calories, improved your memory and made your eyelashes grow. Eveyone would want that cheese. Everyone wants the Tesseract. It starts out in the hands of the Good Guys, but then the Bad Guy comes and steals it and the war commences. Here’s the character breakdown:

 The Good Guys-

Black Widow-

First of all, big ups to Scarlet for remaining such a sexy lady despite having the voice of a man. I am seriously wondering if she does the voice-over for the booming deep Batman voice. As a fellow deep-voiced lady, I just have so much love for her. She is really opening doors for us.

Black Widow’s real name is Natasha Romanova and she is an ex-Soviet spy that rocks a catsuit with a tool belt. Maybe tool belts are in now, because she makes it look pretty good. She doesn’t really have a special weapon except her body and she knows martial arts and stuff. She is a major badass.



Thor-

Or as I call him, “The Hair”. Thor is the Nordic God of Thunder from Asgard (which is another world or planet or maybe Heaven, I don’t really know) and the brother of Loki. He has a special hammer that he can summon to him and bludgeon people with. He speaks with and old-timey English accent and his hair is always more beautiful than mine has ever been.

And might I add that the simple fact that he is this good looking and his real-life brother, Liam Hemsworth, is equally as good looking is proof that life is not fair at all.

 

 

Ironman-

Ironman is like the baddest good-guy in the game. Or maybe is is the goodest bad-boy. Confusing. All I know is Robert Downey Jr. is amazing to me.

Ironman’s power comes from this crazy suit of armor that he wears. It can pretty much do anything. Fly in outer space? Sure. Swim miles underwater? No prob. Save a woman falling from a building? Of course! Also, he is hooking up with Pepper Potts (Gwyneth) and he is super rich and arrogant. He is also one of the funniest heroes and I would want to be his real-life friend.

 

Captain America-

Basically, this guy (a.k.a. Steve Rogers) was battling evil in the 1940s when he was frozen in some arctic ice. 70 years later, he was woken up and is now the unofficial leader of The Avengers. He seems to be the peacemaker, but I just think he is ‘the boring one.’

 

Hawkeye-

Clinton Barton was orphaned as a child and then joined a traveling circus. He is a master archer and also had a little fling with Ms. Black Widow. After being perceived as a criminal, he offers his services to The Avengers to change his ways. He would probably be friends with Katniss.

 

The Incredible Hulk-

Robert Bruce Banner is, by far, my favorite superhero. He is this sheepish little nice guy who explodes into a green monster if you mess up his Starbucks order. He got this way after a major radiation exposure. No more X-rays for me! It seems he is reformed, though. Trying to keep The Hulk hunkered down unless he really needs him. I don’t know if he has any weaknesses, I’m pretty sure he is indestructible.

Nick Fury-

This guy was injected with a serum that slows down the aging process. Also, he has an eyepatch. Also, he hates snakes….wait…..he’s a pirate? Moving on.

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  1. Hahahahaha I couldn’t stop laughing, this is so funny, and I love the fact that it’s from dummies for dummies, makes it much easier and makes you feel related to someone, instead of an alien among nerds that only attack you for no reason. Thanks girl!

  2. you need to watch Captain America’s movie because he is the sweetest, strongest, and sexiest guy in the Avengers. I saw both the Avengers and Captain America and fell in love. But it could also be because I am obsessed with the 1940′s and also men in army attire.

  3. it really upsets me when people say they dislike captain america because he’s boring. Maybe he’s not as snarky as tony or as badass as natasha and clint. Captain America is far from boring. He’s such a perfectly devised character it actually causes me pain, because he really is just a kid ,just a kid that was forced to become a hero. He took that role gladly because he wanted so desperately to help people. His weapon of choice is a shield for crying out loud! He doesn’t want to hurt people He’s not out for revenge or anything like that. He just wants to protect people,to save them. He has such HEART.

  4. As a geek, I pretty much agree with your definitios of the superheroes. =D o/

    You’re funny and you got it spot on. I just wish you loved Steve Rogers as much as I do (gal, it’s Chris FUCKIN Evans! In a blue tight suit. Oh man….). He is a Super soldier, but he’s still human and he was like, going nuts and stuff, jumpin over places and telling people what to do. He’s just so brave it made me sweat. ;-)
    And I do feet the same about Thor and his hair!

  5. Loved the article. You’re hilarious girl!

  6. A lot of this is inaccurate. Black Widow DOES have unique weapons, her Widow’s Sting wrist-blasters which she uses in Iron Man 2 and in the Avengers movies, as well as extensively in the comics. Asgard is clearly shown and explicitly said to be an alien society housed on an asteroid, both in the comics and in the movie where we repeatedly see that the asteroid they live on and where Thor explains that he and the other Norse myths are from different planets. Iron Man is two words, not one, and Pepper is his girlfriend not just someone he’s hooking up with. Captain America had his body and brain chemically enhanced and is a master martial artist and soldier, he’s not just a guy. Hawkeye being seen as a criminal and then asking to join the Avengers is true in the comics but not in the movies. It also doesn’t look like the movies are following his circus origin. Bruce Banner got that way by using Captain America’s super-soldier formula AND radiation, so he’s the next generation and corruption of Captain America in a big way. In the mainstream Marvel Universe, Nick Fury Sr. had his aging slowed down by a serum injection but his son Nick Fury Jr., whom Samuel L. Jackson resembles, did not and is as old as he look, and there’s no word yet on whether the Nick Fury movie will mention the Infinity Formula or not. Also, Loki’s father Laufey was NOT killed when Odin adopted Loki, because in the movie Thor you see Laufey alive and well fighting adult Thor and then talking to adult Loki right before he invades Asgard, so that’s a pretty big error. Also, Loki wasn’t hiding, Odin explained he’d been abandoned as a runt.

  7. I’m kind of a major Marvel fan so these characters have been with me since child. Actually, when I was 8 years old I decided that I’d marry Iron Man (aka Tony Stark) haha!
    If you liked The Avengers and like cartoons… I recommend you see Super Hero Squad Show, a TV show of them that’s pretty fun!

  8. I love Chris Evans! I want to be Captain America….such a good guy. I want to party with Iron Man and watch movies and drink coffee with Bruce Banner. As the Hulk, well, he’s the awesomest, but I have to admit I’m too puny to hang with that side of him.
    The Avengers rocked my world!

  9. I really liked the movie & I blame it all on Thor, because I was bored & watched that on my movie channel, & then I had to make sure I saw it from the beginning & stole the movie from my brother. Then that channel put Captain America on, & I had to watch that too. My sister & I saw The Avengers on Monday & I have to say it was pretty AWESOME! I also don’t know much about the characters besides what’s in the movies, so I can’t judge the movie from that side, but I will definately buy it & if there is an Avengers 2 I will be seeing it too!

  10. Captain America is not boring, he just suits a different crowd. His movie, in my opinion, was one of the better ones. Maybe its cause 1940s is my favorite decade or the fact that i love an underdog story. Either way, you can’t help but think that the guy is delicious! Lol

  11. I loved, and have always loved comics. I know… super nerd but hey! I loved the movie. Great one-liners and some scenes where I actually laughed so hard I cried a little. “Boring” as he may be, Chris Evans can not speak a word, and I would still see the movie so I could watch him be ‘boring.’ And come one… RDJ? We were totally cut from the same tree. Love that man.