Poll By Bullies Reveals British Men Don't Think Kristen Stewart Is Sexy

According to a poll of British men on MenKind.co.uk, Kristen Stewart tops the list of “least sexy” women in Hollywood. Oh brother. It’s a list of babes, if you ask me. But what do I know? For a full list and shockingly earnest coverage of this important poll, check out The Independent.

That’s a fine article, Independent, but you made a few mistakes. Don’t worry, I’ve taken it upon myself to correct them for you. After all, it’d be an injustice to the advancement of our society to just let an article like this stand as is.

First things first; when you wrote,

Twilight star Kristen Stewart is the Hollywood actress men would least like to get their teeth into.

That’s a very tempting set up to a classic, British dentistry joke, guys. Consider revising.

Next you wrote,

(She) proved to be more undesirable than Sarah Jessica Parker and Lindsay Lohan.

In this instance, you should distinguish them as, “Noted Cootie-Havers Sarah Jessica Parker and Lindsay Lohan.”

You wrote,

Stewart – who had a fling with married director Rupert Sanders while dating movie hunk Robert Pattinson – was seen in her final Twilight film Breaking Dawn – Part 2 last year.

However, I think you meant to add, in a hushed tone, “I, like, don’t usually gossip but, like, oh my God. Scandal! We should totally impeach her from student body.”

Next you wrote,

The poll was held ahead of the Oscars, which are being staged in Los Angeles this weekend.

I’m sensing a subtext here. My advice? Just be direct and write, “Whether or not the Oscars are coming up, this poll stinks of misogyny and is irrelevant. In the following paragraphs, I will attempt to find reason for its disgusting existence and fail. My boss is making me write this, though, and I’m on a deadline. I know, right? I’m sorry, women of the world. You deserve better. ”

I also noticed you quoted MenKind as saying,

“Our Oscars poll has been a fascinating insight into the minds of British men – it’s shown that sexiness is far more than appearance.”

Did you mean to quote them as saying, “Our Oscars poll has been a fascinating insight into the minds of British men who would like to shame women who don’t give them boners”?

You’re killing me with this next one, Independent. You had to have misquoted again! I refuse to believe such an esteemed polling organization would say all of this:

“They were turned off by volatile and moody actresses as well as ice queens. And they don’t want to see unhealthily skinny starlets on the big screen.”

That quote had to be more like, “No ice queens or flat-chests allowed, bro. Spring Break!!!”

I hope this helps. I’m no expert, though. Next time you want to release a mean-spirited garbage poll, you should really talk to a middle school lunch table. They are the masters!

Featured image via ShutterStock

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