I’ve been writing about the Harry Potter movies for no less than 300 years, and today marks the end of those three centuries. Am I sad? Obviously, I have a heart. But am I excited to close this lengthy chapter of our lives? Well, I can’t really say “yes” because I think we’d all read and write about Harry Potter all day, every day if we could. It’d be a blessed, magical gift.
But it is not our reality.
Yes, friends. This instalment marks the last chapter of Harry Potter trials and tribulations — but also the beginning of different chapters about different movies. Movies like Richie Rich and Gone in 60 Seconds that I realize I haven’t written about yet, and American Hustle which I am obsessed with. So onward, and upward, and RIP all of us — we’re going on a sad, deathly (hallows) journey.
1. Voldemort isn’t even worried about the bad karma of going into somebody’s grave and THAT, my friends, is how we know he’s evil
Because honestly he doesn’t even FLINCH. And yes, he’s killed everybody in the history of the wizarding world, but traipsing into Dumbledore’s grave just for a joke (or to get the Elder Wand) is beyond reproach because that is just some bad karma right there, let me tell you. You don’t even go against somebody’s last will and testament let alone steal something THEY WERE BURIED WITH, but again, Voldermort is essentially the devil, so why I’m surprised is beyond me.
Now I’m just disappointed in him like a parent. (“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”)
2. Remember when Malfoy’s wand changes its allegiance to Harry, though?
And I pass out even though I’ve read the book and seen the movie and have no reason to be surprised? Is it because i love Tom Felton? MAYBE. Can anybody really know for sure? (Me. I can.) Or maybe I want to pass out because I KNEW IT, Draco, you always were not the TOTAL worst. (Just kind of the worst.) (Like, the fact that he was so upset about killing Dumbledore kind of confirms that he’s not a Death Eater, he’s just a brat.) DRACO IS ON OUR SIDE, EVERYONE, RELAX. (No one’s upset.)
3. Griphook is the worst, though
Not even “kind of.” Just “is.” And I’m not saying he deserves the wrath of Voldemort, but he absolutely does deserve to read this paragraph right here and feel horrible about his actions.
4. Already I’m tired on behalf of the golden trio
So imagine being like, “HELL YES we’re about to get another horcrux!” only to realize no you’re not, you still need to go back to the school and get ANOTHER horcrux, and also Griphook took the sword of Gryffindor which you need, desperately, so too bad, you. I know I said it last week, but I think this would just push me over the edge. No thank you, this. I will pass on this mission and live out my days in the muggle world doing anything but worrying about souls in inanimate objects. (What would you guys do if you found out this is what I had chosen to do instead of find horcruxes? “Yeah, I just chose to write about pop culture instead.”) (I can already say I like it better.)
5. And then Neville shows up and it’s like HELLO NEW FRIEND
I feel like Neville was actually always a total boss (hello, first movie/book), but for some reason millions of people needed to watch him fight/fight to come to that conclusion. Neville Longbottom is the perfect example of how quiet people are constantly on the defence. Like, Neville always has to prove everybody wrong. He has to prove that he’s smart, and that he’s funny, and that he’s a good friend, and now finally, he has to prove how brave he is. NEVILLE WAS ALWAYS BRAVE. You’d have to be to still choose to fight despite your parents’ fate.
6. Snape apparating mid-McGonagall duel is something I’m okay with, TBH
Because we a) know Snape is only acting under the orders of the late, great Dumbledore. And b) Snape is a total babe, and I feel comfortable writing that here because I think we’re all on the same page; the page of the book called, “Even Alan Rickman knows he’s a babe, I mean, he has to.” So yes, when he just — BOOM — apparates like a boss, I feel comfortable with my Harry Potter crush. Good day.
7. AND THEN RON AND HERMIONE KISS
And can we please have a brief chat about these new revelations that JK Rowling regrets putting Hermione and Ron together? Well listen up, everybody — it’s been written, it’s been done, and we can all sleep soundly knowing that Ron and Hermione are together, and everything’s going to be okay. IT’S TOO LATE, MS. ROWLING. I’m sorry, but it’s in the books AND in the movies, and no one can take away the moment in which Ron and Hermione kiss after killing a horcrux. All of our first kisses look just embarrassing in comparison. (Especially mine.)
8. But nobody wanted Goyle to die, I don’t think
So we go from some PDA to Goyle burning to death in a fire because he can’t control his own magic, and yiiiiikes, that is some dark ish right there. That is not the development of a fun, lighthearted children’s franchise. That is a horrific plot device. And SO UPSETTING. Even though I hate the character of Goyle (as we all do), I don’t think any of us wanted to see that. Or know that it happened. Or have it happen at all. And what’s worse is that this isn’t as bad as it gets. This is the movie where THINGS HAPPEN. SAD, HORRIBLE THINGS.
9. Then we all pass away because SNAPE DIES
See? I wasn’t lying when I said sad, horrible things happen. And oh my god the memories. THE MEMORIES. That will be the next point. This is the point where we absolutely mourn the loss of Snape who is SO BRAVE and SO WONDERFUL and are you guys crying I’m not crying WHO SAID I WAS CRYING don’t look at me it’s just raining on my face I SAID I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I am Snape in the above photo (holding Snape).
10. Okay, well now that that’s over with, let’s talk Snape’s memories
MY GOD. That sad, tragic nod when Dumbledore says, “Lily? After all this time?” YES, DUMBLEDORE. AFTER ALL THIS TIME. Can we also talk maybe about how Snape was the one who was concerned about Harry while everyone else just kind of used him as a pawn? Like, we all love Dumbledore, but dude didn’t exactly have Harry’s back, well, ever unless it pertained to beating Voldemort — and even then, Snape was the one calling Dumbledore out. Don’t you want to know more about Snape, though? I do. I want to know EVERYTHING. I know him calling Lily a mudblood was the worst possible thing he could say to her or anybody, but I want to know about his teen years and what made him become a death eater, and how he got out, and ALL OF IT.
I want a book all about Snape, and I am not afraid to ask. Are you there, JK? It’s me, somebody asking for a book about Snape.
11. AND THEN WE LOSE EVEN MORE
So first, my heart leaps into my throat EVERY TIME McGonagall orders the students to defend their school (and I also cry, obviously, because I’m not a monster), and then the battle just happens SO QUICKLY and all I worry about is WILL MCGONAGALL BE OKAY. Spoiler alert: she is. Sadder, more upsetting spoiler: Lupin (MY LOVE), Tonks (AHHH), and Fred die. (Because life is CRUEL and THAT is the lesson JK Rowling is obviously trying to teach us.) We are sobbing, all of us.
12. Do you know how angry I’d be if I found out I was a horcrux?
Not to make light of this situation, but I would lose my mind. I WOULD LOSE IT. I would be angry at the school, angry at Dumbledore, angry at Voldemort, angry at everyone. And you know what? Neither can live while the other survives, so I would just vow never, ever to die. But like, somewhere no one could find me. Like the gas station I had to go to in the middle of a blizzard last week. Horrible. But suitable, if I were a horcrux.
Also, we are all bawling when he hugs Hermione goodbye.
13. “Just because it’s in your head doesn’t mean it isn’t real”
And that, my friends, is how I apply Dumbledore’s advice to important aspects of my life like convincing myself I am TOTALLY dating Sherlock Holmes.
14. You also have to just applaud the scene where Draco and Voldemort hug
But it’s the kind of hug you give someone you’ve run into from high school who has absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. There’s a part of me that thinks Voldemort might not be THE worst, and has some actual potential — like, maybe he could really moonlight as someone with a great sense of humour. Maybe he’s fun! Maybe that’s why everyone wanted to hang out with him so much. I don’t know. But I do know that anyone who hugs like that is someone who probably has excellent comedic timing. And on top of the Snape book, I want to know a lot more — a LOT more — about Tom Riddle. (Like, at what point did he think, “Screw my movie star good looks — I don’t want a nose anymore.”)
15. NEVILLE AGAIN
PROVING US RIGHT. When he stands up and makes that speech, I slow clap from the confines of my home because that is BEAUTIFUL. And honestly, where was everyone else? Exactly. Neville steps up and everyone’s all, “Oh yeah! He goes here!” YEAH HE DOES. And he’s about a million times braver than any of you. ANY! *begins crying while trying to look Neville Longbottom on Facebook*
16. No, but REALLY Neville again
Just, you know, BEHEADING A SNAKE. THE snake. The snake that maaaaybe Voldemort was in love with? He REALLY loved that snake. Like, he loved it a lot. A LOT. I would like to know more about this snake? I would like to know if there’s a backstory there that we can’t possibly understand. I would also like to know how emotional Voldemort felt in that moment because THOSE feelings could certainly contribute to some great comedic timing (as someone who uses humour to stifle sadness/real emotion). Instead, we get a battle.
17. Molly vs. Bellatrix 4ever
I’ve used “4ever” more than once today but this is fine because I call the shots on this, the last day of Potter-fest. You know who else calls the shots? MOLLY WEASLEY. “Not my daughter, you b—-!” BOOM. Like, this is who she has always been, and she is having ZERO NONSENSE. None of it! The moral of the story: do NOT ever assume a mom is less capable of killing an evil wizard than anybody else. I mean, not even Harry could do it — and Bellatrix killed Sirius Black. Team Molly. Team Neville. Team team.
18. RIP Voldemort, RIP Elder Wand
I’m 100% sure I could say something very beautiful and meaningful here, but we all know the feelings associated with this scene, so the only other thing I can think of Cady from Mean Girls breaking the crown like Harry does the Elder Wand. “Plastic . . . it’s just plastic. . .” (“A piece for Gretchen Weiners!”)
19. I would be panicking about my future, now, though
If I were Harry. Everything would seem so anti-climactic, and now that peace has been restored… what next? This is where the panic would set in. I think I’d have to be an action movie star because there’s no other way to capture the magic/terror of the last 17 years. I’m a little surprised Harry didn’t become Hogwart’s headmaster, but hey — this isn’t my book, this is just my column. And with that, I say, I am so glad he named his kid Snape (and yes, absolutely cried when I read that).
20. But I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALL OVER
All of it. All! Every time the movie ends/I finish the book, it all feels like it happened SO FAST. Why? Because it did, damn it. And now Voldemort is gone, and everybody’s all grown up, and everyone has children, and who is Draco married to…? Like, where did they meet? Things I want to know more about: that. And whether Draco and Harry can just be cool now. Give us a book about what happened 19 years later, JK Rowling. Give us 19 years worth.