- I visualize a football trying to going through the hole of a doughnut. Just being smashed over and over again until the donut is broken into little pieces and then the football keeps it awake all night every night for 7 months. I know that seems graphic, but pushing a full grown infant out of your torn vagina is even worse and IT’S REAL AND IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY.
- Once a menstrual cycle, I get a single, debilitating PMS cramp. It lasts less than 5 seconds, but it literally forces me to crouch over. I have slumped over the counter at work in the middle of transactions, grabbed onto bike racks on the sidewalk and once involuntarily laid down on a bathroom floor. I don’t know how women deal with cramps on a regular basis, but for 5 seconds I am rendered temporarily useless. The point is, contractions sound like period cramps, but worse, and also at the end of the day your vagina has stitches in it.
- You have no control over when your water breaks. It can happen anywhere. It’s like explosive diarrhea, except you have a general idea of when it is going to happen and you have to live with that knowledge every time you step outside the house. Is this the day? Is this the day I’ll need to change my pants? Here, in the antacid aisle of CVS? Plus, stitches in your vagina.
- Overpopulation is real and no one is freaking out about it enough except me. Just like how America took away the space shuttle program and we just let that happen! As a people! Where were the riots then?! #OccupyOuterspace #OccupyAntiVaginaStitching
- Even though I feel the natural biological drive to pass on my genes as a redhead, especially since we are dying out as a people, I want to give my children the gift of being able to play out in the sun and not turn into a walking sunburnt freckle. And I have an equally natural biological drive to keep my vagina away from stitches.
- Yo, did you know that babies can be born with teeth? I mean, if your vagina didn’t need stitches before, a fetus with incisors exiting your womb will surely do the trick.
- If you adopt, maybe you can pick hair and eye color so your baby will match the 2011 Chanel Fall Collection. Do you know what doesn’t match any fall collection, even the fall collection of the Salvation Army should such a thing ever come to exist? Stitches all up in your vaginal area.
- Stiches. In. Your. Vagina.
(pic via stephanieandgregshow.com)