Real Conversations with Commercial Cleaning Products' Fictional Spokespeople Eliza Hurwitz

It seems to me every commercial for a cleaning product involves a woman cleaning the house and talking to whatever cleaning supply comes to life in her house. Whether it be Mr. Clean or a Swiffer Wet Jet. I think it’s time for these commercial to be a little bit more honest and realistic. Here’s how I imagine myself in these commercials.

Mr. Clean Magic Eraser

It’s nighttime, which means I’m in my typical sweatpants outfit. My shirt has a slight stain on it. I’m in my kitchen eating my second bowl of cereal when out of nowhere Mr. Clean pops up.

Me: Oh no, you’re here again.

He looks around at my messy kitchen and is clearly upset.

Mr. Clean: I can see you haven’t been using my cleaning supplies I left you last week.

A stack of Mr. Clean products sit untouched in the corner of my kitchen.

Me: I’ve been busy.

Mr. Clean: Let me just show you how the magic eraser works.

Me: Look. I’m just not in the mood to clean up. I’m feeling pretty tired. I’m in the middle of a really well made and riveting Lifetime movie. What do you say you just make us some popcorn? I have one clean dish left.

Mr. Clean looks around at my messy kitchen. I stare at him, pleadingly.

Mr. Clean: Are you sure you don’t just want to wash them really quickly? The Magic Eraser…

Me: Get out.

Brawny:

I’m in my same sweatpants outfit in the kitchen. There is a spill on the counter and food remnants on the kitchen table.

Me: I’m so glad you’re here! You’re in your flannel and everything. You look like you’re ready to cut down some trees, get logs and build a fire….will you do that?

Brawny Man: I just came here to see how my paper towels have been holding up.

Me: They’re great. I mean I haven’t used them in the recent past per se, but I have used them before and I think they’re fine. So how long are you here for? Last time you just dropped off some paper towels, showed me how to use them for a second and then left.

Brawny Man: I wish you had kept using them.

Me: Well, I wish you had stayed longer, but you can’t always get what you want. How about some popcorn and a movie? I don’t have any clean dishes left, but I guess we could eat off your paper towel?

Brawny Man: Yeah, let’s say we break into some of this paper towel and start cleaning!

Me: Just get out of my house.

He starts to walk away.

Me: Wait. Come back. I’ve got Hoarders on my instant queue. You won’t think I’m so messy after watching that. I’m so lonely.

Snuggle Fabric Softener:

I’m in my sweatpants outfit, which is pretty dirty now. I’m on my couch watching television when in walks Snuggle Bear with some dryer sheets.

Me: Hey, what are you doing here?

Snuggle Bear: Just thinking you’d like to do some laundry.

Cut to: Dirty clothes piled next to my washing machine.

Snuggle Bear: I’ve got fabric softener that will make your clothes all soft and snuggly.

Me: Nope. Not tonight.

Snuggle Bear: Is there anything better than fresh, warm clothes, clean sheets and towels?

Me: A marathon of Law & Order and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

Snuggle Bear looks at me imploringly.

Snuggle Bear: I just want to make the world a softer place.

Me: Aww, you’re so nice. You seem like you’d be a really good friend. Do you want to watch some TV? Take the night off from doing laundry? We can watch whatever you want.

Snuggle Bear can sense my need for a friend and begrudgingly sits down.

Me: Do you want a blanket? I’ve got one clean one left.

Snuggle Bear gets up and leaves.

 Swiffer Wet Jet:

I’m in my kitchen, same sweatpants, more stains when in walks Swiffer Wet Jet.

Me: Oh no. I really have gone crazy.

Feature image via.

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  1. I have also felt myself become highly annoyed with this trope in advertisement. I wrote Swiffer an email about it once. Who knows what they did about it, but I’m glad you also take note of things like this. Ridic.

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