Reading Between the Lines with Barbie

I was at Barnes and Noble the other day when this book caught my attention. How could anyone with a first-grade reading level pass by this page-turner without taking a look inside?

Before I opened the book, I thought, “Do 5-year-olds really need to know about weddings?” If they’re anything like me they’ll know more than they ever wanted to know about weddings by the time they’re 18 and will announce their retirement from active bridesmaid duty by 29. I decided to not let my past experiences with weddings sour my reading experience. So I opened to the first page, excited to discover what Barbie loved about weddings.

The good news is I had $3.99 to spare so we can enjoy this new classic together. Just like my previous post, I’m giving you fair warning that reading this is a complete waste of time.

Now, join me as I take something that was created to entertain innocent children and break it down page-by-page on a quest to discover if Barbie truly does love weddings…

According to the book, Barbie’s two best friends Stephanie and Eric just got engaged. Barbie is really excited to be Stephanie’s maid of honor and she can’t wait to help plan the wedding.

I love how they waste no time. This story is off and running from page one, am I right? My first problem with this story is Barbie’s excitement. I don’t care how good of a person you are – if you’ve been dating the same guy for the last 48ish years (they’ve been off and on the last few years) and haven’t been proposed to you, you’d be bitter. Barbie has every right to be seething with jealousy; the fact that she’s able to put on a happy face is quite impressive. Do you notice how Barbie is gingerly holding Stephanie’s hand as she looks at the ring? She’s probably afraid if she actually holds her hand she’ll crush it in anger.

It seems to me that Stephanie probably isn’t a great friend. A real friend would have taken Barbie to a bar to tell her the news so she could smile and pretend to be happy all whilst throwing back several cocktails to numb the pain. Also, I find the fact that Stephanie is wearing a tea-length jean skirt extremely promising – if Stephanie and her lack of fashion sense can find someone to marry her, then there’s still be hope for me. Wheee!


Next, Barbie takes them to the Ocean Club because she thinks it’s the perfect place to get married and they love the idea.

I’m not sure why Eric and Stephanie are letting Barbie help plan their wedding — this is a recipe for disaster. It’s true that one of Barbie’s over 100 careers has been a wedding stylist, but she probably did that when she was still optimistic about getting married to Ken. I can only assume by the way Barbie is dressed that she’s given up on getting married completely. Why are they so eager to jump on the first location they’ve seen? It’s not the worst location ever, but I don’t see the ocean and is that seaweed in the sand or just ugly shrubs? I really think this is where Stephanie should have said, “Thanks, but no thanks” to Barbie. I have a bad feeling that Barbie is pretending to be excited just to sabotage Stephanie and Eric’s statistically doomed to fail marriage.

Though, seeing Eric in what appears to be a sandal similar to a Teva makes me think that his marriage to the now dressed like a 14-year-old Stephanie just might beat the odds. Terrible taste in clothes and love – what more do any two people need?

Next, they go get flowers. Stephanie knows exactly what she wants, so this is also an extremely easy part of the wedding preparations.

Barbie isn’t f***ing around, she’s really helping Stephanie knock out all the wedding details ASAP. I suspect she must have thought about all the things she would need to plan her own wedding for years and moving this quickly with the plans will help her keep Stephanie distracted so she doesn’t see the sabotage coming.

Steph has picked out a wedding location and flowers faster than any bride in history. She won’t be on Bridezillas anytime soon, but with that khaki skirt an appearance on What Not to Wear is probably in her not to distant future.

Barbie, Stephanie and Kira pick out pink bridesmaid dresses. Barbie is super psyched because pink is her favorite color.

Looking at these three, I’m fairly certain they met back when Barbie was a fashion model at a United Colors of Benetton photo shoot. Steph and Barbie where modeling to support themselves through school, but Kira is still a model. Kira likes to talk about how she’s still a model because beige don’t age. Stephanie responds to that with black don’t crack and to shut them both up, Barbie always brings up how much bigger her boobs are than theirs. They’re the bestest of friends.

The book claims that Barbie takes Kira aside to tell her about buying Stephanie snorkeling gear for her wedding. Kira thinks it’s a “cool idea.”

I suspect the conversation with Barbie and Kira went more like this…

Laughing, Barbie says, “Did you hear me when I said pink is my favorite color? She totally bought it.” “I know. She obviously doesn’t want to get us anything too cute because  she doesn’t want anything to take attention away from her,” responds Kira. “Totally. Lets get her snorkeling gear for her wedding as payback for making us spend $253 to look like a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.” “Oh, Barbie you’re wicked,” Kira says with delight.

Two weeks before the wedding, Barbie throws a rager of a surprise bridal shower. “Surprise!” the four people shout as Stephanie walks in the door. Allegedly, Stephanie really loved the snorkeling gear.

Good news: Stephanie is wearing a skirt above her knees. Bad news: I’m beginning to suspect Barbie didn’t invite anyone because she’s super bitter and wrecking this experience for Stephanie brings her great joy. I’m guessing Barbie poured a drink for Steph and said, “I’m so sorry that nobody’s here, they all said they were going to come. Maybe they forgot?” Once those words came out of Barbie’s mouth, she winked at Kira, whose face filled with a sinister smile. These two are real bitches.

The big day is here and everything goes great. Huzzah!

I don’t know if we need anymore evidence: the location is sad, Barbie got her snorkeling gear as a wedding present and there seems to be no guests at the wedding. Who’s going to marry them? Whose child is that? Where are Eric’s groomsmen?

It’s crystal clear that Barbie was purposely trying to mess this up for Stephanie. I can only conclude that Barbie, in fact, does NOT love weddings. At first Barbie wanted a career and I’m sure being a NASCAR driver and WNBA player was fun, but was it worth dying alone?


The book ends with Barbie saying, “It was so much fun helping my friends and sharing in their special day.”

More like, “It was so much fun sabotaging my friends and ruiningtheir special day.”

Well played Barbie, well played.

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