My brain and the thoughts that tumble in and around it are random. They are also completely useless – it’s a deadly combo. If I could stop them, I would. There are a lot better ways I could spend my time. Please remember that none of what you’re about to read is going to be useful information, but if I have to think about mindless dribble all day, I thought it’d be fun to take others down with me. So please enjoy my recent random thoughts about Beauty and the Beast…
If it’s been awhile since you’ve seen Beauty and the Beast, let’s start at the very beginning, where they explain why the Beast has been cursed. Luckily for you, it’s a voice over, so I can break it up sentence by sentence and give you every random thought that entered my mind.
Once upon a time in a far away land a young Prince lived in a shinning castle.
The actual age of the Prince struck me when watching this time. In ‘Be Our Guest’, Lumiere says, “Ten years we’ve been rusting needing so much more than dusting.” Spoiler alert: we’re about to find out the curse becomes permanent when the Beast is 21. So, the way I figure it, the Beast was around 10 when this curse was put on him. So yeah, you could call him a “young Prince” but I’d call him a 10-year-old-boy.
Although the Prince had everything his heart desired, the Prince was spoiled, selfish and unkind.
Most kids go through several stages of assh***ry. Trust me, I’m a nanny. Just because he’s a Prince doesn’t mean he’d be any different. I mean, how many times did I see that video of Prince William sticking his tongue out at the cameras leading up to the Royal Wedding? A lot. The point? Prince kids can act like jerks too.
But then one winter’s night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose…
In my mind, I picture her being very similar to the roses ladies in the West Hollywood area.
…in return for shelter from the bitter cold.
Fun fact: according to most historians, this film is to blame for the creation of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. *
Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the Prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away.
Now, here’s what I imagine happened that night to make the Prince turn this woman away. The Prince’s parents were going out to the theater for date night. They might be a King and Queen but they gotta keep things spicy just like everyone else. Before leaving the house, the Queen turned to her son and said, “Son, we’ll be back soon but while we’re gone listen to Cogsworth and please don’t let any strangers into our shinning castle. I just got a new ruby necklace and if it gets stolen, your father would have me beheaded.” So obviously the Prince, wanting his mother to keep her head, couldn’t possibly let in this strange lady into his castle. *
But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances for beauty is found within and when he dismissed her again…
I must admit, I’m totally on this kid’s side. I myself have grown to hate the roses lady. No ma’am, I don’t want a rose ’cause I’m not on a date with this person and if you must know, there’s a good chance I’m dying alone. So, please take your roses elsewhere. Wait, where was I? Oh right, the point is, I understand his aversion to this lady at his door.
…the old woman’s ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress.
The Prince tried to apologize, but it was too late for she had seen that there was no love in his heart and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there.
I think we can all agree that this seems like a pretty harsh punishment for a 10-year-old boy. Look, I don’t know what got into Roses Ann Coulter, but she was obviously out looking to start trouble. I get that she likes the power and attention but why start a feud with a 10-year-old boy?
Ashamed of his monstrous form, the Beast concealed himself inside his castle. With a magic mirror as his only link to the outside world.
Sadly, later that night he watched his parents get murdered outside the theater on that very mirror. Which is one of many similarities between the Beast and Batman. Feel free to think about that on your own time. *
The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year.
Luckily for him, the drinking age in France isn’t 21 because beer goggles aren’t going to hurt his situation.
If he could learn to love another and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a Beast for all time.
One, why does the Beast have to marry a girl? I think he could get some serious play in the bear community. Two, he’s the ugliest of all the Disney princes and I’m not saying he looks better as the Beast, but it’s not horrible compared to what he was working with before. It wouldn’t be that bad if he were to be stuck being a Beast, he’d just have to adopt an attitude similar to Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf.
As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a Beast?
I don’t want to give it away, but it’s Belle and just so there’s no confusion, they cut to her singing in the very next shot.
A few final thoughts I had through the film:
- I think Belle is adopted. How else can you explain 5’8” Belle and the 5’0” Wilfred Brimley-looking Papa?
- It has been too long since Celine Dion’s had a movie soundtrack hit. TOO LONG!
- Why doesn’t the Beast have a name? He’s called Prince, Master and Beast, but what’s his real name? Eventually we found out Mr. Big’s name. Maybe his family names all the boys in it Prince, too, so he goes by Blanket?
And that concludes my thoughts on Beauty and the Beast. I hope it didn’t take too long to read, because you’re never getting this time back.
*Statement most likely not true.