Enough already with being jealous of models and superheroes. I know a handful of practically–models, and they swear it’s tough being that tall & hot all the time anyway. You know how people with trucks always have to help their friend’s move? Imagine if you could fly. The favors would never end! I prefer to direct my jealous energies towards people with more useable, day to day superpowers. Some days it seems like everyone around me (except for me, of course) possesses these skills. Chances are, you are at least one of these people. And, guaranteed, I am jealous of you:
I recently learned from Twitter that there are people out there who – get this – don’t like ranch dressing. How any human has the willpower to resist Ranch is beyond me, let alone hate it! I don’t know for sure, but I think Ranch is a combination of uncut MSG, bacon, and heaven. Everything tastes better when dipped in ranch, including my own fingers. It’s actually seasoned mayonnaise, though, so I try to avoid it. Someday I hope HelloGiggles’ resident ranch hater will mentor me the ways of ranch resistance. I can see the montage now: Sofifii Miyagi and Karate Kate dipping baby carrots in balsamic, in synchronized motions. We’re wearing Hidden Valley bandanas.
Did you guys not catch that the entire point of this game is that the suckiest people get the most applause? The crowd may be cheering, but are they cheering with you, or at you? YOU CAN’T KNOW. It blows my mind that anyone has the guts to sing karaoke. Except, of course, for the people who can actually sing, and they are cheaters.
Last week, my sister skipped her lunch break to run errands with me and I was practically force-feeding her Cliff bars the entire time. It was 12:06pm, so I assumed she must have been starving. That is six minutes past lunch time. But no, she wasn’t. She’d “had a big cup of coffee. I’m full.”
There is not a single liquid in the world that could replace a meal for me. I mean, a Strawberries Wild may tide me over while I wait for a table, but that’s practically a solid and Jamba’s are hard to come by. Oh, what I would give to be released from shackles of my needy blood sugar! I am currently trying to train myself to be filled up by coffee. I heard that if you can deal with being shaky and pukey for a couple months, eventually your body starts thinking that coffee is acceptable food… like how people stop being allergic to their own cats. I’ll keep you posted.
I was raised to believe that ladies just do not burp or fart. Ever. The most glamorous among us have managed to erase digestion from their repertoire completely. I have suffered torturous tummy-aches with a smile on my face to avoid making even the slightest stomach gurgle or peep. Once, I accidentally let something slip in front of a nice-enough boy I was dating. I ended the date immediately, and broke up with him the next day over the phone. I truly admire anyone who can simply say “excuse me” and move on.
THOSE WHO CAN DO ACCENTS
Accent’s are a double whammy. 1: They are adorable. I haven’t seen any of the Harry Potter movies due to my overwhelming distaste for wizards, but I have watched this video of the cast speaking in an American accent about a billion times. Look at how bashful they are! They’re so close to right, but just off enough to still be wrong. Like puppies in shoes, I can’t get enough. And 2: Almost all joke-telling requires some sort of accent. At parties, I’m that lame chick begging my husband, “Hey, honey, do that one where the gangster walks into a bar. Please? Pleeeease?” It’s pathetic. I deeply long for some comedic autonomy.
I’ve noticed a direct correlation between my overall happiness and the frequency with which I admit that “I don’t know”. Most of my social anxiety stems from the misguided belief that I must have a fully formed opinion on every issue or a correct answer to every question. A simple “beats me, dude. What do you think?” in reply to a pretentious question can be totally charming and allows you to hand the mic back to the question-asker, who really just wants to tell you what they think anyway.
PEOPLE WHO REMEMBER HOW TO DO MATH.
I mean, right? So jealous.