RANCH-HATING & OTHER ENVIABLE MINI SUPER POWERSKate Harmer

Enough already with being jealous of models and superheroes. I know a handful of practically-models, and they swear it’s tough being that tall & hot all the time anyway. You know how people with trucks always have to help their friend’s move? Imagine if you could fly. The favors would never end! I prefer to direct my jealous energies towards people with more useable, day to day superpowers. Some days it seems like everyone around me (except for me, of course) possesses these skills. Chances are, you are at least one of these people. And, guaranteed, I am jealous of you:

RANCH HATERS.
I recently learned from Twitter that there are people out there who – get this – don’t like ranch dressing. How any human has the willpower to resist Ranch is beyond me, let alone hate it!  I don’t know for sure, but I think Ranch is a combination of uncut MSG, bacon, and heaven. Everything tastes better when dipped in ranch, including my own fingers. It’s actually seasoned mayonnaise, though, so I try to avoid it. Someday I hope HelloGiggles’ resident ranch hater will mentor me the ways of ranch resistance. I can see the montage now: Sofifii Miyagi and Karate Kate dipping baby carrots in balsamic, in synchronized motions. We’re wearing Hidden Valley bandanas.

sofifii hates ranch. I wish!

At least 12 people agree.


KARAOKE PARTICIPANTS.
Did you guys not catch that the entire point of this game is that the suckiest people get the most applause? The crowd may be cheering, but are they cheering with you, or at you? YOU CAN’T KNOW. It blows my mind that anyone has the guts to sing karaoke. Except, of course, for the people who can actually sing, and they are cheaters.


COFFEE EATERS.
Last week, my sister skipped her lunch break to run errands with me and I was practically force-feeding her Cliff bars the entire time. It was 12:06pm, so I assumed she must have been starving. That is six minutes past lunch time. But no, she wasn’t. She’d “had a big cup of coffee. I’m full.”

Um… what?

There is not a single liquid in the world that could replace a meal for me. I mean, a Strawberries Wild may tide me over while I wait for a table, but that’s practically a solid and Jamba’s are hard to come by.  Oh, what I would give to be released from shackles of my needy blood sugar! I am currently trying to train myself to be filled up by coffee. I heard that if you can deal with being shaky and pukey for a couple months, eventually your body starts thinking that coffee is acceptable food… like how people stop being allergic to their own cats. I’ll keep you posted.

lunch AND dinner


POLITE GAS-PASSERS.
I was raised to believe that ladies just do not burp or fart. Ever. The most glamorous among us have  managed to erase digestion from their repertoire completely. I have suffered torturous tummy-aches with a smile on my face to avoid making even the slightest stomach gurgle or peep. Once, I accidentally let something slip in front of a nice-enough boy I was dating. I ended the date immediately, and broke up with him the next day over the phone. I truly admire anyone who can simply say “excuse me” and move on.

Kim Kardashian doesn't fart

She couldn't have.


THOSE WHO CAN DO ACCENTS
Accent’s are a double whammy. 1: They are adorable. I haven’t seen any of the Harry Potter movies due to my overwhelming distaste for wizards, but I have watched this video of the cast speaking in an American accent about a billion times. Look at how bashful they are! They’re so close to right, but just off enough to still be wrong. Like puppies in shoes, I can’t get enough. And 2: Almost all joke-telling requires some sort of accent. At parties, I’m that lame chick begging my husband, “Hey, honey, do that one where the gangster walks into a bar. Please? Pleeeease?” It’s pathetic. I deeply long for some comedic autonomy.

ANTI-KNOW-IT-ALLS
I’ve noticed a direct correlation between my overall happiness and the frequency with which I admit that “I don’t know”. Most of my social anxiety stems from the misguided belief that I must have a fully formed opinion on every issue or a correct answer to every question. A simple “beats me, dude. What do you think?”  in reply to a pretentious question can be totally charming and allows you to hand the mic back to the question-asker, who really just wants to tell you what they think anyway.

And finally…

PEOPLE WHO REMEMBER HOW TO DO MATH.
I mean, right? So jealous.

Images via flickr, HollywoodStarbucks, slashgossip

comments

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  1. i’m not a fan of ranch, i can definitely be a coffee eater, i love doing accents, and i love math!! omg i feel like we could learn so much from each other!

  2. That’s funny cause I’m a ranch hata and I’m a coffee eater.. But I do force my friends to do accents too.. I can’t get enough of that stuff!

  3. I especially love the Anti-know-it-all part! I too have labored under that delusion, that it’s important to be smart and know stuff. Man, it’s taken so long to discover that is not the case! Love this article!

    Anonymous | 7/15/2011 11:07 am
  4. Bleck! I HATE ranch with a passion I would normally reserve for how I imagine little ballerinas want so badly to make it into Julliard some day. But I don’t just hate it for hate’s sake. I hate it because when I was 12, my friend and I concocted a homemade face mask out of peppercorn ranch dressing, peanut butter, lemon juice and who knows what else and I started screaming “Get it off my face! I’m gonna puke!” And ever since then I gag just thinking about ranch dressing. The other items I’m fine with. Go figure.

    • I’m gonna try that mask!! It may just be the cure for ranch-love! (so… just mix up peppercorn ranch+peanut butter+lemon juice, and apply?)

  5. Hilarious. Totally random, but hilarious!

  6. RANCH IS AWESOME!

  7. GIRL, I think we may be soul sistas

  8. This is just great.

  9. I’m a ranch hater! Sorry, it just comes naturally :)

  10. every good american likes Ranch dressing, right?! It’s just too damn hard to resist! apparently I stand corrected & these ranch haters you speak of are either terrorists or just plain better than me. For me, I’ll take my “side of ranch please!”

  11. Let’s screw up algebraic equations and dip our fingers in Ranch real soon!

    This article had all of cracking up! Fab!

  12. Awesome article! The American Talk cracked me UP! I hate people who can do accents too!!! So jealous. Also, I have the SAME problem with feeling like I need to have an opinion or answer about stuff. Just saying “I dont know” would be SO liberating! hahah

  13. This is so funny! Love this article!

    Jenna Buckle | 7/15/2011 08:07 am
  14. My best friend is a ranch hater!! It’s hilarious. I’m sending her the ranch fountain right now! So mean… :) This whole thing was great though – thanks!