Queen of the Day

Queen of the Week: The Boob-Flashing News Witness

Nobody gives straight talk like strangers on the street. And people will say the damnedest things if you put a local news crew with a camera in front of their faces. But every now and then, you’ll encounter the kind of person who blurs the line between straight-up, screw-loose crazy and balls-t0-the-wall, blissfully unaware – Like this lady from Portland. She is definitely crazy. Not in the, “I’m an adult and have imaginary friends” kind of way. She’s crazy like Jessa on Girls. Totally unpredictable, totally free-spirited and totally willing to show you her boobs.

I’m willing to bet two things about this woman: 1. She owns a cat or twelve and 2. She has signs in her home that say things like, “Men Are Like Wine: Best Kept in the Cellar.” When asked about witnessing an apparent accident she says, “They let me look at the lawyer’s building – I know the vacuum cleaner man, he’s seen my tits.” She is NOT here to lie to us, you guys. Every detail matters.  And I have no idea what a vacuum cleaner man does, but I’ll bet it’s good if it once warranted a boob flash.

I can definitely get down with someone who shoots from the hip and knits like a maniac (side note: my mom once made me an experimental scarf, cut from that same kooky, rave-boot yarn she’s sporting as a shawl), because those are, at the risk of quoting an over-used Kerouac-ism,”the mad ones … the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing,” and they will probably be the only ones to actually tell you when your ass looks fat in those jeans.

Maybe don’t take them to your holiday office party, but definitely take them to that show you want to sneak backstage for. They’re plenty resourceful and just enough crazy to give security an eyeful in exchange for some star-stalking. Just don’t expect them to be able to drive you home.