Prudes Are People, Too!
by Becca Sands
A friend of mine recently asked me for some advice. This bright lady, a few years younger than me, had been on a trip where she realized just how different she was from her female friends; namely, how they were very sexual and she was very not. She came to me for advice because all through college, I went through the same thing. And boy, do I have a lot to say on the matter. This feels a bit awkward to write about considering my parents, aunts, uncles, friends, professors and more read what I have to say here, but I believe this needs to be said, and if it means awkward pauses at Christmas dinner, then so be it.
In the last few years there’s been a push to accept a woman’s choice to be “sexually free” and I’m all for it. I don’t think there’s any reason to shame anyone for their choices. The problem is that while we are meant to accept a woman’s choice to be sexual, it’s leaving those who choose to be non-sexual out in the cold. In fact, it’s leaving us to be the butt of jokes and feeling ashamed.
Choosing to wait is a choice and it is one that is just as deserving of respect as the one that is so revered nowadays. It doesn’t mean a woman is uncomfortable with her sexuality, it doesn’t make her a religious nut, it doesn’t make her anything except a woman who has made a choice. That’s it. That all you can deduce from it.
For the longest time, I felt like I was completely alone in this choice and that no one would ever understand. Friends encouraged me to “just go for it” and (thankfully) I stuck to my guns. Worse, I felt like the media completely overlooked us women and was quick to write us off as boring prudes. Luckily, one of my favorite comedy shows, Community, brought up this very topic. I cheered when the follow exchange took place during episode 1×11, Politics of Human Sexuality:
School Counselor: I want to focus on the girl who won’t say “penis”. This is a judgment free zone, so express yourself.
Annie Edison: You know what? I don’t want to express myself. I don’t want to sit in a room full of people and say the “p” word. I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable about my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a bit more like me, we wouldn’t have to have an STD fair!
Finally, finally, I felt like my thought process was represented in entertainment. Of course Annie is still teased for being a prude and that’s okay because it makes the show realistic. That’s what happens to the girls who make those choices.
(I wonder if my dad’s eyes are burning yet?)
Making the choice to refrain from activities in which others participate–sex, drugs, drinking, et cetra–is a choice that has somehow become shameful, and I don’t get it. How can you say we need to make it okay for women to express themselves sexually and then turn the tables and hate on those who don’t?
Here’s what it comes down to: if a man pushes a woman into considering sex, it’s wrong, but if a woman does it, she’s “helping”. NO. You don’t have to be a male to harass a woman about her sexual choices. Women can harass women, men can harass men, women can harass men, and it all needs to stop. We have to start supporting each other, no matter our choices. You cannot defend one and not the other. You cannot say one is right and the other is wrong. You cannot pretend to understand why a woman makes the choices she does. You cannot begin to know her whole story.
I told my friend that she was fine. She needs to make her own choices and if they’re different choices from her friends’, that’s okay, as long as they support her. And if they tease and mock and push her again, she can say, “Would it be okay for you to say that if you were a guy?” and maybe they’d re-evaluate. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I just wish all the experimental and the prudes could come together and sing Girl Scout songs or some crap, you know?
I know this isn’t a funny article. I know it’s a bit serious than anything else I’ve written, and for that, I’m sorry (or not sorry, if you don’t find me all that funny, making this a welcome change of pace). I guess I wrote it because I need to know that I’m not alone in thinking this, and that it’s not as bad as my paranoid brain has made it out to be. I just need to know that this poor girl, and others like her, will find support with their choices.
See more posts from Becca
11.11.2011 |
SUBSCRIBE
COMMENTS
please help us maintain positive conversations by refraining from posting spam, advertisements, and links to other websites or blogs. we reserve the right to remove your comment if it does not adhere to these guidelines. thanks! post a comment.
you are not. ive been with one person and still friends tell me to just get over and that i need to just do it with someone i find “hot” and then that way i dont get hurt and could still have fun dating and get “some”. well if they knew me, they would know that hurts me more to do that with someone i didnt care bout then someone i did care about nd they hurt me later. im am such an emotional human being and i need to take care of myself and the best way is for me to not do that until i am ready for someone else again. among other things, i am loosing alot of friends due to the fact that i dont liek to go out to clubs and get so hammered i dont remember what happened. dont get me wrong i loveeee beer and i loveeee wine and if im with close friends i might get drunk but I WILL REMEMBER what happened. but truth be told, i hate going to bed drunk, i hate hangovers and i would rather get tipsy, drink it for the taste and be in a place where i can actually hear ppl talk, ill take a bar over a club any day. so no my love you arent alone. its tough out there, and frustrating for me on a regular basis. but ive come to love my weekend nights in (esp because i cant afford to go out financially anyways) and go out to coffee alot. but ive got your back, no judgement here. everyone should be able to do what they want or not what they want and no one should judge (unless its hurting someone). great article and i am beyond appreciative to see this considering my “friends” have been finding me less “interesting”
just read your “about” um you can nerd out with me on harry potter over tumblr. i spend my days/nights doing that too and my goodness it is the most glorious thing ever. be a gryffindor with me please
Your life is my life! I never really drank before I was 21, and even now, I have never thrown up, passed out, or forgotten what’s happened. I used to be teased for it, but while my friends were groaning about the hangovers, I was the one who was able to work the next day. No hangovers or pregnancy scares for us!
well to be honest, i had a few bad drunk nights that made me realize this is not my idea of fun and i dont want to indulge like this ever again. so i def learned, on my opinion, some great lessons. but def agree with u there on the pregnancy scares. which was so nice. me and my bf didnt ever have to worry!
I love this so much. Thank you.
I guess the viewpoints depends from person to person, because my friends (new and old) are 100% supportive of me being a prude. They even say they wish they were me and waited longer! At first, I was ashamed of it, but I can also truly say that I’m now comfortable with being uncomfortable with my sexuality. It’s who I am, and I know I can appreciate IT a lot more with the right person if I wait longer.
you will i promise! even if it doesnt work out in the future with that person all that matters is that when it happens in your heart you know its right and you trust that person. follow your heart girl!
Good for you, girl! I’m proud of you and all those women who stick to their convictions.
Love this and proud of youuuu. <3 Love ya, girl!
I think many things women (and men) do is because of peer pressure. Lots of people don’t want to be the odd one out, but if you are not that person they want you to be, then stick to your guns. I have a similar situation with my friends and partying/clubbing. I’ve never been a big drinker and I don’t like going to clubs – they make me feel claustrophobic – yet some of my friends still try to get me to come out clubbing with them and get drunk. One would not believe that I have never been drunk ever in my life. I just do not get what the appeal of making an idiot of yourself and feeling like crap the next day is. But this girl always jokes about getting me drunk on my birthday and stuff like that, and it’s actually getting to the point where it’s not cool anymore because she doesn’t respect my choice. The funny thing is, I don’t tell her she shouldn’t go out and get drunk if she wants to, so why is it OK for her to judge me because I don’t want to?
Peer pressure definitely has something to do with it, and that breaks my heart. I don’t know if I just had a strong sense of self or if I wasn’t pressured as hard as others, but I somehow got through doing things my way (I have a feeling I just wasn’t pressured too hard). I hope that when I’m a teacher, I can find a way to show students that their choices, not their friends’ choices, make them who they are, and they don’t need to change to fit anyone’s criteria. <3
It isn’t any easier for a guy who doesn’t care about sex. When I was in my earily 20′s it was expected that I should be wanting it all the time. My friends, including women, just didn’ understand. I loved talking with women, even sharing physical contact. I just didn’t care for sex. And I was an atheist and socially liberal individual. It is very hard when you love physical contact but don’t care for sex. It is very confusing for many women.
Love this comment, Jeffrey. I imagine it might even be harder for men who fall into the “prude” lifestyle. Us chicks appreciate the respect, though!
thankyou for writing this, just exactly what i needed to hear. i’ve always been strong in sticking to my choices but it can be difficult when friends especially don’t even seem to want to understand. (also clicked on your tumblr, saw em watson and hp love, followed immediately! never over it! )
When I first got to college, I got some funny looks and some of my new friends teased a little. I got firm and said, “this is my choice, and you have a problem with that, then we have a problem with each other,” and it was never an issue since. If it had been, I would have found new friends :/ Thanks so much for reading, I really appreciate it and the support!
Becca Sands- Serious Topic Writer. It’s great! Love it, and agree.
thank you thank you thank for writing this!
You’re welcome forever!
I’m so glad that you wrote this! Even on this site, I was starting to feel like it was just an accepted line of thinking that the choice to wait, or be selective, or do anything but say yes wasn’t ok. I would take it one step further and say that those who choose to be more reserved are, in fact, expressing themselves. We are saying something about what we believe about the world, other people and ourselves through our choices. And, while others may not agree, it doesn’t mean that our voice isn’t valuable or valid.
Thanks so much for reading, and I am SO glad you enjoyed it. I’m so sorry that you felt HG wouldn’t think these choices were ok! I’ve made some really great friends here with some of the writers, and they are the kindest, most supportive women I know. We all have different ways of living our lives, and I assure you, the other HG women (and men) support us when we make our own choices, no matter what they are
That’s one of my favorite Annie quotes ever because it pretty much encompasses my views. Thank you for righting this article!!
I love that whole episode SO much, it made me feel so much less alone! So glad you loved it, too! <3
Also, I don’t know if you follow her on twitter, but Alison Brie read this article and supports us 100%, so hopefully, that helps!
This just might be one of my favorite posts on HelloGiggles that I’ve read so far. I am a prude and proud of it. It’s good to know we’re not alone, and that there are people out there who are thinking for themselves and staying true to their gut feelings when it comes to the things society tries to force on us. Bravo for writing this article, we need writers like you who aren’t afraid to write what they feel!
Thanks so much for that kind comment, I really appreciate it! We’re definitely not alone–great feeling, isn’t it?
This is a great post. I think the people who make fun of women like us are uncomfortable on some level with their choices and are seeking to validate them by making US uncomfortable with ours. That line from Community is the best!
I completely agree with you, Meredith. I think people can be embarrassed by their own choices so they knock on those who chose differently. I just want us all to get along!
Preach! Thank you for standing up for girls like us; it is about damn time!
HELL YEAH!
<3
<333333333333!
I wish I had read this when I was in high school. I just lied to my friends and told them I’d had sex because that was easier than telling them I hadn’t. Then I set a date that I arbitrarily decided would be the least embarrassing date to still be a virgin (even though no one knew I was anyway) and I stuck to that date. It’s a shame I thought that was necessary. Awesome post
Jodi girl, that breaks my heart. You still turned out pretty good though, so at least there’s that. <3 Love you!
this is amazing girl!! Thank you for for taking a chance out of your comfort zone and posting this!!! ♥
Great post! We need to support any decision that makes a person happy and doesn’t harm others. I agree that the idea of sexual freedom for women has made the public too judgement of those who feel they have the freedom to wait. It’s like when someone decides to be a stay-at-home mom other women will judge her. Feminism is all about CHOICE! Let’s embrace the fact that we are free to make choices that fit our desires and personalities, whatever they may be.
I COMPLETELY agree! I’m a teacher who also wants to stay at home with her future kids someday, and I feel looked down upon for that decision. But it’s MY decision–no one has forced me to feel like it’s what I “must do,” it’s what I WANT to do! I feel like somewhere along the line, choice was forgotten in the equation with some feminists. Let’s hope that soon, all women can support all women!
This was one of the most wonderful reads here on HG. I loved it and completely agree with everything stated. I was a virgin when I got married and had 4 beautiful boys, then things that were completely out of my control (I will have to write an article about it for HG) now I am back to single status, not widowed, single, raising 4 boys on my own. Now I’m in the point in my life that it’s like “What man will want to be with a woman with 4 boys and plus won’t put out?” Deep down I know there is a man like that out there and one that would wait till I was ready and sure. Just these little doubts can fill our head, like the saying “Use it or lose it” Well I say for me and all the lovely ladies out there who have made this choice, save it and it’ll be amazing because it means that much to you. Loved this post.
Thanks so much, Kristen, and definitely write something, especially if you think it’ll help you work out some feelings (that’s why I wrote this one!). I’d love to read it! <3
Thank you so much for this article. I too have often felt out-of-place, teased, and pressured because I’m uncomfortable with my sexuality and because I choose to wait. Not for religious reasons, but for me. It’s my choice, and I’m happy with it. Glad to know there others out there just like me. Thanks again!
You got it, Mandy! We have to stick together!
thank you for this article. as someone who has made personal choices similar to those you discuss above, i’ve been having a hard time being at college. It seems no one else understands my decisions. As long as they don’t pressure me, then I still love my friends. They have been so supportive.
Hang in there, Leslie. The thing is there is so many more of us than you’ll ever know. There’s a fantastic article on HelloGiggles called “The 23-Year-Old Virgin” (http://hellogiggles.com/the-23-year-old-virgin) and I really suggest you read the article AND the comments. I really think it will help you out. Never let ANYONE tell you that you need to change your priorities to fit their criteria. If they can’t accept you, then to quote another fabulous line from Community, that’s them failing YOUR standards! Find people who will support you–there are plenty of us out there!
THIS ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN FOR ME!
YES IT WAS!
<3! I LOVE Hellogiggles!!! Great Article!
Thanks so so so much! It’s a pretty great site, isn’t it? <3
Thank you for writing this! I have always felt out of place when it comes to my choices. It’s nice to know I’m not alone!
You’re not alone at all, Amber! Hang in there, girl!
does anyone else think it’s ironic that there’s an H&M ad on this page with a model acting like a complete hoochie mama???
Hahahahahahahhaha yeah awkward…
Is it really necessary to use a 487kb GIF as a header?
Sorry Jim! I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
definitely hufflepuff!
LOL Ian! Pottermore actually says I’m a Ravenclaw (whaaaat!) but I still think I’m more Hufflepuff than anything.
Becca, that was awesome. You are so brave to put that out there and support your friend. I especially like your point about respecting each other’s choices, that’s really what it’s all about, right?
Thanks so much, Jessica! I will admit, I was nervous to post this, but I’m so happy with the response, it means the world to not only me, but all the girls who really needed this support. You are all amazing!
Yes. Just, yes.
Becca, I want to give you a massive hug for writing this article. It’s everything I’ve been needing to hear lately and I love knowing that I’m not alone. Thank you thank you thank
I just want to thank you so much for this <3 I often feel alone in my choices as I was growing up & still at times now, specially this type, as well as partying, "going out" etc…. I was never the "typical" teenager & still not "typical" young adult. It gets to moments though wishing you could be whatever normal is & comfortable & secure with certain things. I know it shouldn't matter what others think, and if they don't understand or respect our choices or why we are the way we are. I think looking back over the years…it's a reflection of me not being comfortable with something and then that intuition of being paranoid at the outcome..so therefore never gave in to certain things. So again thank you
& I love this website so much.
Thank you! Seriously…..this needs to be said.
I’M SO HAPPY THERE ARE SO MANY PRUDES ON HERE! YAY FOR US!
Also, in the end, I knew I had a keeper when my boyfriend was not only willing to but happy to wait for when I was comfortable.
I’ve been with one person for nearly four years now and it took us a longgg time before anything happened. I don’t know, I think it almost means more that way and I honestly am happy that I’m so picky about who is touching me, because sex and other physical stuff is personal, you know? I’m happy there are others like me
Great post! My sister always calls me prude, just teasingly, but compared to other girls my age I probably do seem it! I don’t think anyone should be pushed into something they’re not comfortable with.
Great post! I completely agree. People need to start accepting choices that others make, and stop ridiculing them.
That awkward moment when your sister makes her first comment on any of your HG articles on THIS post. It’s a GOOD post and you should FEEL good, make no mistake! I just want to point out, too, that just because someone ISN’T a prude (like me, say), that doesn’t mean that just because they talk the talk, they then MUST walk the walk. Do you know what I am saying? It just goes along with what you’ve got here about choices and not being a judgmental badgerface and all. I will talk about sex and say penis and admit my mind’s in the gutter quite easily, but I’m not “easy”, yanno? Prudishness and deciding to wait for the right time do not always go hand in hand, and it’s important for folks (guys and girls alike) not to assume that they do. Glad you got people to feel comfortable with themselves, baby sis!
YES girl! Yes. In general, since when do people find everyone else’s sexuality so important? There’s something to be said for allowing everyone to be individuals without so much judgment.
I think it completely depends on the friends you have. I have two best friends and we three are as close as possible. One of us lost her virginity at 14 (I KNOW!), I lost it at 20, and the other one just recently lost it at 23 and I can assure you, we NEVER EVER pressured her. We applauded the fact that she waited until she was 100% sure and we are so happy that she will forever have this great memory of her first time. There is NOTHING wrong with waiting. I have a great memory of my first time, but I assure you, if I wasnt sure, I never would have gone through with it. You want that to be a great, special memory, and its not worth going through it just because of peer pressure.
Thank you for this!!!
Fantastic article. Waiting for sex to be right is not shameful or embarrassing in any sense and I think shows incredible strength of character.
I can’t tell if you’re talking about prudes or people who identify as asexual? I call my sister a prude because if you tried to ask her about her sex life, she’d go bright red and tell you to mind your own business (which you totally should, of course). But she is comfortable in her sexuality and likes it and everything. She just doesn’t advertise it, at all. Even now she’s married we all pretend with her that she doesn’t do it! There are other people who aren’t prudes necessarily but just keen to wait until they meet the right person and it takes them a bit longer than usual for that to happen – they might still make the dirtiest jokes in the pub though
But people who just aren’t interested in sex are different to me – that’s what I mean by asexual. Some of the comments here seem a bit confused about which camp they fall into. All camps are ok though and I agree – empowering people to be comfortable in their sexuality should allow for enough flexibility that no one need feel ashamed of themselves!
Yes, thank you so much for this! It totally made my night –er– early morning.
It’s so incredibly gratifying to know that I’m not the only prude out there. I’m 26 and I’m still waiting, and I plan to continue on doing so until I’m 100% ready. I’ve been teased about it a lot, I’ve had men see my abstinence as a challenge to be won, and I’ve been left with the feeling that something must be wrong with me. Thank you for affirming that being a prude is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s MY life, not anyone else’s.
I thoroughly agree with this article! And not just for women; I agree with it as a guy. No, guys I know, I do not want to drink, get high, and have sex with every pretty girl I meet. That’s not my idea of a good time.
I LOVED this article, actually, I wrote on the same subject in my blog, it’s in spanish though (http://nificcionnirealidad.wordpress.com/2011/10/08/libertades-no-tan-libres/)! I believe chosing to wait doesn’t mean that we are uncomfortable with our sexuality or are not ‘liberated’, sometimes it means quite the opposite! I think being forced into sex by social pressures of any kind isn’t free at all. Freedom means making mature, responsible and conscious choices, let’s hope that in the future the real liberation takes place, where everyone respects everyones chocies and people’s sexuality isn’t an issue of public discussion.
Sex with people that you don’t love is fun, physically. About the same amount of fun as, like, a bubble bath or eating a great pizza. So, sometimes I’d have sex because it felt nice. But, for better or worse, sex comes with a lot more baggage than a bubble bath. I can completely understand and support a woman’s decision to go either way on that type of sex…it’s akin to thinking “wow, this bubble bath would feel great, but I totally don’t feel like having to clean the tub out afterwards.” Simple as that.
But sex with someone you really love? That’s like touching the universe. Two totally different ball games. All of this is to say that missing out on having meaningless sex with random dudes is not missing out on much, especially compared to what you got going on now.