I am good at many things, such as being able to strike up one-sided conversations with dogs of any breed, starting something and then never finishing it, not scratching itches because then that means, in my head, that the itch “wins”, and procrastinating the ever living hell out of anything and everything.
If I have a responsibility, it will be shirked until the last minute. Whether that responsibility is taking a shower before work or cleaning my room before my self-imposed deadline, it will not be done until I know I can’t possibly do it in the allotted time I have left. And then I wait 15 more minutes.
I’m constantly late to everything. Most say that this is a power play, but it’s not. It’s just that there are so many wonderful things in this world that distract me along the way to my destination: like the Internet, my phone, television. Okay, fine, it’s not just that, but my dogs, and trees, and people watching. My brain just can’t wrap its head around the concept of clocks when I become distracted.
I goofed big time today. For some reason, I gave myself a mere 26 hours to read a 525 page book before one of my classes. During that 26 hours I also had a 6 hour shift at work and an hour long class. I really gave myself 19 hours to read 525 pages.
At the current time of midnight:30, I still have 300 left and am due in class in 13 and a half hours. I have to take a shower and get ready for the class and factor in transportation, so really I have 12 hours. I am not, of course, including sleep. Procrastinators have learned how to do away with sleep when necessary.
Every Sunday night I rest my head upon the pillow and promise myself that this Monday will be the start of a brand new Caragh. I only do this on Sunday because everyone knows that you can only start over on Mondays. Or maybe that’s just another way for me to procrastinate.
I’ve compiled a list of additional constant procrastinated events in my life:
- Shaving. There is no better physical metaphor for the dangers of procrastination like shaving. If you shave every day, your razor glides over the various body parts with ease and you’re done in under 10 minutes. If you wait a week, or you know… two… or three… then prepare to run out of hot water, because you are going to be dragging a quickly dulled razor over the same part of your shin 4 times before you clear a path.
- Caloric intake. On a diet? Great! Grapefruit for breakfast! 3 ounces of plain, grilled chicken for lunch! ALL OF THE PIZZA FOR DINNER. Congratulations, you’ve consumed 300 calories before dinner, and then 4000 between 7:00 PM and 7:04 PM.
- Papers. If it takes you half an hour to write one double spaced page, then it should only take you 2 and a half hours to write a full paper, right? So why not start it the night before it’s due? One page, great! Two pages, great! Three pages — oh no, I was on Tumblr for the last half hour. Okay, time to get back on — I wonder what is on Facebook. Now it’s time to start page — wait, did I miss this week’s Park and Recreation? And then your alarm goes off and you realize that it’s time to go to class and whatever you have written is lost because you drooled all over the keyboard in your sleep, completely shorting out your MacBook. Congratulations, you’re in college!