Prince Harry, Help Me Help You Eliza Hurwitz

This past weekend, Prince William was part of a rescue crew that saved a 16-year old-girl from drowning. When I first heard this news, I thought, “Wow, way to go, Prince William!” Just when you thought he couldn’t get more attractive, he becomes a valiant hero. After some brief daydreams involving me being the girl that he saves, my thoughts suddenly turned to Prince Harry. Poor Prince Harry. What about Prince Harry, I asked myself? Doesn’t he deserve his day in the sun? I know he’s proud of his brother, but I’m sure he can’t help but feel a little jealous. I mean, his brother’s pretty much got it all. And if there is anyone who understands sibling rivalry, it’s me. I come from a big family. I have 5 brothers and sisters, plus I’m a triplet. I’m also extremely competitive. Armed with a sense of compassion and understanding, I think I’m the perfect person to help Prince Harry out, and I know just the way to do it.

I’ve come up with a couple of different scenarios to make him look like the hero we all know he can be. I, however, don’t want to look like some damsel in distress, so these scenarios will also make me look good, too, because I have my own pride to protect and siblings/family I want to impress.

So, without further ado here are my ideas for you, Prince Harry. All of these scenarios take place in London. I can’t afford a plane ticket so I’m assuming you will pay the necessary expenses in order to enlist my services.

The Sprain:

I’m jogging in London along the Thames, when I suddenly twist my ankle and fall to the ground.  At the exact moment a car will drive by and nearly hit me, but you stop them and pick me up. If you can’t carry me, I’ll be disappointed and hurt but I’m willing to look past it. I can help you out by pretty much holding myself up in your arms. Once the press gets a hold of the story, we’ll tell them I’ve been training for the New York City Marathon. I’m an extremely talented athlete but no one’s ever heard of me because I’ve been waiting to make my debut in the running world, hoping to surprise my competition. I won’t be able to race now, because we are going to get married! Our wedding will take place on the Thames, in the exact spot that you rescued me. I’ll even reenact the scene for the wedding attendees. Everyone will laugh and your dad, Prince Charles, will cry a little because he never expected you to settle down, and with a professional athlete no less.

The Choke:

I’ll pretend to be painting a masterpiece near Westminster Abbey when I suddenly start to choke on the apple I’ve been eating. This demonstrates that I’m not only a brilliant artist, but a healthy eater. You’ll be standing nearby and you’ll see me struggling. Then you’ll save my life. As you are rescuing me, I’ll be scribbling all over my painting, that way no one will ever know that I’m a completely inept artist. Again, we’ll get married, and at our wedding you’ll give me “the painting” I was working on when we first met. Although it’s merely scribbles, it will move everyone to tears. They’ll say they’ve never seen anything so beautiful. And that’s when you’ll say “I do” and you’ll look at me. Then everyone will cry tears of joy.

However, you must note that if someone else tries to help me when I’m “choking” before you get there, I’ll insist I’m fine and run away. We would then have to try out this scenario in a new location, which would be a little inconvenient and annoying for me.  Just so you know, I’ll be a little upset and reconsider helping you out.

The Attack:

I’ll find some people to pretend to steal from a bank. I’ll start to stop/attack them and I’ll do a pretty good job, but eventually, they’ll keep me hostage. They’ll be holding me for ransom when you casually stroll into the bank, completely unaware of the hold up. Upon seeing me with the “robbers” you’ll be moved by my spunk and bizarre beauty. You’ll say you’ve never been more in love. You can’t resist my unusual hair that, due to the London rainy weather, has frizzed/puffed up even more than normal. I’ll most likely be sweaty because of the fake fight I had with the robbers, so you’re going to have to really work hard to pretend to be attracted to me. Your words and genuine love will move the bank robbers to tears. It would be a love story told for centuries to come. I’m not great at crying on cue but I think I can try to poke my eye or something so some tears will come out. I can’t promise I’ll look attractive or normal when this happens. Also we’ll get married and we’ll make friends with the “bank robbers” who brought us together. They’ll attend the wedding and tell the story of our love. Again, everyone will cry.

All I ask from Prince Harry in return, on top of a plane ticket, is that he buy me Phyto Phytophanere Hair and Nails supplement. Because if I’m going to be a Princess next to Kate Middleton I need to have long, flowing hair like hers. Also the cake at our wedding has to be chocolate. If, for some reason this cannot be done and I’m surprised at the wedding by some vanilla cake with fruit, I’ll be furious and I’ll tell everyone of our scheme. So, what do you say, Prince Harry? Do we have a deal?

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  1. Brilliant. For a start, Harry is lucky to find someone as considerate as you – willing to put youself in so much peril for his standing in the eyes of the public… Plus, the way in which the scenerios you’ve engineered allow you to look good as well is flawless. I have to respect the stand you make for women as well – not letting him get his high & mighty way in all situations (that damn cake better be chocolate!)

    In all seriousness, great piece!

  2. Prince William has it all? I don’t think so…
    one: he looks like his mother. that’s definitely not a good thing.
    two: he’s getting bald.
    three: he’s under pressure as the next in-line for the throne (maybe that’s why he’s getting bald).
    The way I see it, Prince Harry has it all: all the perks of being royalty without the pressure to behave (naked in Las Vegas, woo-hoo!), to get married, to settle down.

  3. to add to the fire, naked pics of him in vegas are out ;)

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