Have you ever wondered what your favorite characters are up to now? Nope, not the actors who played them, but the actual characters? I think about this all the time. I think about it way more than paying rent or scheduling my annual physical or, you know, what’s happening in the world. Like, I know what John Stamos is up to. Well, I sort of do. I know he was married to a supermodel for a while and now he’s, um, being all hot and John Stamos-y? But what is Uncle Jesse up to? That’s way more interesting. In my brain, he’s still rocking that mullet and striking poses in the kitchen.
So, using my magical powers, I figured out what the characters from a bunch of good movies are up to today. (I totally did. Shut up! Don’t mess with me, I’m in Slytherin.) I can’t reveal my cosmic source, but I have it on good authority that this might possibly be 100% somewhat kinda sorta maybe true-ish! Let’s go way back to the ’80s and start with Pretty In Pink, shall we? Radical, babes. Here we go!
Our heroine breaks up with Blane two weeks after prom when she realizes he’s pretty dumb and he wears way too much linen. After being kicked out of fashion school because all of her sketches look like rectangular doilies, she works as a fashion editor at a women’s magazine. She’s known around the office for her catch phrase, “If it doesn’t work, put a brooch on it.” In a bold move, she leaves the magazine after a decade and starts a fashion blog where she chronicles her outfits. Today she makes a good living telling people what to wear and deciding whether we’ll all wear top-knots or side braids this season. Her only steadfast fashion rule is no pink. If anyone asks to see her prom pictures, she murders them and hides the bodies in her basement. Haha, not really. Well, maybe? That part isn’t coming in very clear. I can tell you that she is single with two super cute cats named Jerk and Precious Kitty Face.
Things turn out pretty good for Duckie Dale. After high school, he meets the love of his life at the local community theater where he is starring as The Emcee in Cabaret and she is playing Sally Bowles. The couple move to New York City together where they both take a stab at acting, with some success, meaning they consistently do off-Broadway shows and get good reviews but never make any money for anything ever. They open up a vintage store in Brooklyn and currently live in a lovely brownstone with their daughter Magnolia, their Boston Terrier Otis and seventy pairs of creepers. Their hobbies are tattoos and playing board games. They have Andie over occasionally for drinks, which they make in mason jars with pretty herb garnishes from their very own garden. They joke about how Andie has bodies in her basement. Also, Duckie remains a Duckman. Whew.
Iona sells her record store, Trax, to a hipster couple and makes some serious bank so she’s touring the world with her new boyfriend’s indie band. (He’s one of Edward Sharpe’s Magnetic Zeros. No one’s exactly sure which one except for Iona, of course. Probably she is.) She hates the term “cougar” but does tend to date younger guys because they’re the only ones who can keep up with her. She and Andie keep in touch on Facebook and Instagram but Iona’s biggest thing is Twitter, where she tweets funny shit under the handle @TraxBitch and has over 50,000 followers. Andie and Duckie are two of them. (They are @ItCutsYouUp and @MajorCreeper, respectively.)
After graduation, Blane graduates from some over-priced Ivy League school, moves back home and goes to work for his father. Today he is running the company, belongs to the same country club as his parents and is married to a woman everyone else thinks is the spitting image of his mother. He’s a pretty happy guy. He golfs every Sunday and he never misses either of his sons’ soccer games or tennis matches. He still wears linen and is still terrified of guys with liberty spikes. Whenever anyone is talking about their crazy youth, he thinks of Andie and how brave he was to date her. Whenever she thinks about him, she pukes in her mouth.
Steff and Benny
Well, we all know what happened to Steff and Benny; it was all over the news. All I’ll say is that he shouldn’t have had shady business dealings with evil corporations if he didn’t want to have to feather his hair in a jailhouse bathroom. Ha. Who am I kidding? I don’t care. Steff got what he deserved. I hope his parents are sending him care packages of hairspray, lip-gloss and lube in jail since no one else will talk to him. I mean, even Benny left him to triple marry Ice-T and Coco. Too bad she died in that freak Mystic tan accident before she could join her new spouses on their reality show “Ice-T hearts Coco hearts Benny.” Oh well. Suck it, Steff. R.I.P. Benny.