Recently, many of my friends have been having babies. And because it scares me to imagine a small alien pea-being growing in my stomach, I’ve been known to ask more than once for the whole unedited birth story. And as I’ve learned, this is a huge mistake.
After hearing the 4th or 5th horrific tale of ripping, tearing, bleeding and numerous post-delivery stitches, I’ve become more afraid than ever to have children. When I called my mom upset about such atrocities, she calmly said, “Oh sweetie, there’s so much pressure down there that you can’t even feel the tearing.” This was not a comfort. It simply confirmed for me that yes, two holes could actually become one. And this will of course happen to me. Adoption, much?
Now, my latest pregnancy-related obsession: boobs. Have you ever noticed how many boob products are on the market? Things that actually are foreign to girls whose breasts have never been useful. Nipple shields & pads, breast pumps and breastfeeding bras, which all look like they are designed to make you feel ugly. There’s even a product called milkscreen that will let you know if your breast milk’s alcohol level is safe for your child to drink. That one I’ll definitely need.
These mounds of flesh start out as insecurity-inducing things that cause suffering alike to flat-chested and well-endowed middle school girls. For example, as a late bloomer, the mature beyond their years 7th grade boys would kindly mock feel up the wall when I walked by. Cute. But then, by the time your finished paying off the therapy bills from that experience, you’re spending all your energy trying to get guys to stop looking at them and to talk to your face.
Then one glorious day after the atrocious pain of childbirth, your boobs experience a rebirth of their own. They become useful. If you so choose, your boobs are essential to your child’s wellbeing. They instantly morph from sexual mounds into dual matching baby bottles. And this is the true miracle of life.
A boob being the sustenance of life brings a whole new list of concerns. Will I produce enough milk? Will I survive nipple infections? Will a breast pump make me feel like a cow or a caring mother? Will I cry the first time I pump and dump? When I’m done breastfeeding, do they morph back into objects of desire (I’ve heard no – closer to morphing into something that resembles tube socks)? But the scariest fear of all … will my husband ask me if he can try the breast milk and how do I gently tell him um, GROSS, NO!?
For more great information on new mom stuff, check out my friend’s amazing site Daily Peppermint.
Image via Web MD
You are so funny. As a non-mom I cringe and think, yes, adoption. or maybe not even that. Im loving the “auntie” role. and im not even good at that. as for all the boob products. ha! i used to get stressed just walking into babies r us. now everyone gets the “My breast Friend” pillow. (i was sold on the name.)if you get pregnant, rest assured you will be the proud owner of one. and no, i dont cae if you already have two. “my breast friend” is my shtick and im sticking with it.
And there are a few brands that make really pretty maternity bras-Hot milk, etc. A lot of the other brands are ugly though!
Not everybody tear, love. You are more likely to tear if you have an epidural though. I had my daughter naturally and didn’t tear.
Most men won’t want to try the breast milk! And your boobs won’t look like tube socks, don’t worry! Pregnancy, birth and looking after a baby is natural and wonderful! Not too scary.
And as for “down there”? COMPLETELY back to normal within a couple of months of giving birth. There is nothing to be afraid of!
Well NOW I’m afraid..
i am a nurse, i have seen the miracle of birth and i do not want it to happen to my vagina. start an adoption revolution! there are plenty of children who already exist that you can love and cherish as your own, and without having to go through all these undesirable body changes because someone already did it for you.
& most importantly, those already-created children NEED loving parents, since theirs either cannot or will not fill that role! adoption huzzah!
^^ i agree
I have two boys, and the second you hold that sweet little miracle, all the pain fades away.
maybe it just because i am a doula, or maybe it is because i am baby crazy, but non of these things tend to frighten or concern me. i would highly recommend anyone who becomes pregnant or wants to become pregnant should take a Birthing From Within class. it may still seem scary, but I promise it will be less scary. Also explore your options. Childbirth doesn’t have to be painful or scary. Like anything else in life, it is what you make of it.
three-years-ago me totally would have identified with this. present-day me has two kids and doesn’t even really think about the labor that brought them here. however, the tube-sock-boob phenomenon is a true concern (but nothing a good bra can’t fix) and you didn’t even mention kangaroo-pouch-belly-skin-flap … which reminds me I need to go running today!!
As a man, I read this, found it somewhat funny and I was left speechless.
+1 for women
I second what the lady above me said. I am absolutely terrified.
In one single post, you have managed to sum up my fears of having children, haha. I’m quite young to be thinking about having kids – but I’m simply terrified/not too keen on the idea. Such an awesome article – so humorous too!