I want to buy a pony.

Before you think this is a rash decision I just made while sipping a glass of cheap red wine, let me assure you that I have wanted a pony for a long time.  I told my daddy numerous times between the ages of three and six years old that I wanted one. So, really, purchasing a pony is just me fulfilling a larger destiny.

Guys, this is the pony that I want to buy:

"Hold me closer, Morning Dancer...I shouldn't ride you on the highway..." is the version of 'Tiny Dancer' that I wrote for this pony.

Her name is Morning Dancer, but her nickname is “Molly”. I think they call her Molly because (a) it’s clearly a cool name and (b) Morning Dancer is a mouth full when you’re riding an animal that’s about to jump a fence for show. Now, my mother taught me to research all major investments. After reading a short paragraph about her, I have ascertained that Morning Dancer and I are soul mates. Why?

  • She is half-Welsh and my first name is Welsh.
  • She has “unique, fancy stockings and blaze” and I own many pairs of fancy stockings and a very stylish blazer.
  • She learned to drive on the first try. I can’t drive right now because I haven’t had the time to get my license renewed, so she can drive for me.
  • Her sire’s name is Evans Marcus and I appreciate that her sire’s first name is a last name and that his last name is a first name.
  • She is “SPECIAL”.

It’s clear that Morning Dancer and I need to be together as soon as possible. In fact, it’s ridiculous that we’ve been apart for this many years. Once we are united, I will put on an 18th century riding habit and together we will trot through Central Park. People will see us and say, “That young woman doesn’t need a man. She can exist without Ryan Gosling’s love. She has a pony who loves her.”

There’s one tiny thing that is keeping Morning Dancer and me apart.  She costs a mere $6,500.

Wait--Morning Dancer--don't trot away! Why are you leaving me? Is it because I'm poor?

Now that I’m a grown woman, I don’t have the luxury of begging my daddy to buy me a pony. I have to assert my independence and purchase her for myself. After looking over my budget, I’ve realized that I have some resources that can be reallocated for Morning Dancer. I have a $10/week potato chip allowance I can redistribute,  a 401(k) I can cash out and I might be able to take out a loan from some trustworthy people who hang out around the docks.

So, buying a pony is still totally on the table.

These animals are worth going into life long debt for because they are cute. Right?

Now, my mother also taught me to think deeply about all major life changes. I need to think carefully about what having a pony as a pet would entail. So, I googled “pony as pet” and found this useful series of tips from eHow. I’m sure an expert wrote them:

  • Contain your pony in a safe pasture. Ponies need fencing similar to horses, but without large gaps under and between rails. A pony can roll under a fence more easily than a horse. 

I live in the city, so the pasture thing is going to be tough, but I think there’s a playground a few blocks from me. I’m more concerned about the fence issue. I worry that I would purposely leave room under my fence for my pony to roll under because I so desperately want to see what it looks like when a pony rolls. My theory is that watching a pony roll under a fence rail would be both adorable and hilarious at the same time.

  • Keep predators away from your pony. Dogs and ponies do not mix well. Ponies are too small to defend themselves from dogs. Many ponies have suffered extreme wounds and even death because of a dog attack. 

So, this is interesting. It sounds like dogs and ponies are in the midst of a great inter-species war.  Puppies are battling ponies to see who is the cuter and more loyal pet. Oh my God, that would be an amazing show on a cable network: Puppies vs. Ponies. It would be just like Deadliest Warrior, except adorable animals would fight to the death in computer simulators instead of ninjas and gladiators.

  • Clean your pony’s hooves daily. Ponies have very delicate feet that are more fragile than most horse’s hooves. The pony should be trimmed on a strict schedule of every six to eight weeks. Have a professional farrier trim your pony’s hooves.

What is a farrier? Do I need to hire one from a local Renaissance Faire? Can I get a really attractive one? Can I marry a farrier? Can it be like a romantic comedy where a selfish New Yorker buys a pony and then needs a rustic farrier to help her raise the pony and then they fall in love and the pony’s name is “Second Chance”? Katherine Heigl would probably star in that movie. It would be called Second Chance.

  • Feed your pony an adequate amount of feed and hay according to his body weight and health. If the pony is on pasture grass, he won’t need as much hay. If the pony is not ridden or exercised much, he does not need feed. Ponies don’t need as much food as horses do to stay healthy.

Can I just feed my pony based on the Weight Watchers Points system and just side step the entire “exercise part”?

  • Exercise your pony daily. If she is not ridden much, allow her time in an open pasture to run around each day. Lunging is a great way to exercise a pony without riding her.

Oh. I can’t skip the entire “exercise part”. I really don’t want to make my pony do lunges. It seems unfair because I never do lunges at the gym. I also don’t go to the gym anymore.

It would appear that ponies are a lot of work.

Pony, you are way high maintenance. You always need to wear the most stylish hats and go to the hippest parties. Ugh.

The more I think about it, the more I think I really shouldn’t own a pony. Clearly, I would make the worst pony-mother ever. Besides being poor, I’m also lazy. I don’t want a pony because I care about animals; I want a pony to spoil myself. There are people out there who love caring for ponies. They enjoy shoveling manure and riding in the rain and having hay stuck to their clothes. In return for their hard work, they get the love of a pony.  That’s awesome. They’re the people who deserve a real live pony.

What kind of pony do I deserve? The kind that can actually fit in my New York City apartment:

She likes ice cream (and can't emotionally commit to another human being)! We're soul mates!

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