As of 7:20 PM EST on March 23rd, “Plumber Crack” was the fourth most downloaded free app in the App Store, ranking well above Pandora (#18), Twitter (#21), and Facebook (#28). According to the description, you get to “throw stuff” in a fat plumber’s butt crack. It is so popular, in fact, that I’m guessing you were probably just in the middle of playing it.
For me, this statistic reinforces a long-held belief about society I couldn’t freely admit until now: at any given moment, most people I know would rather be throwing things in other peoples’ butts. Now that I know my instincts are on-point with the demands of fellow iPhone users, I would like to volunteer a few potentially noteworthy app ideas for your review (For those of you who came to this article to find real, actually useful apps, check out this list. All others–read on):
1. Sounds of the Turnpike- Relax to sounds of honking, aggressive drivers cursing as they overtake you, and the ephemeral tire-screeching-against-asphalt. This app is perfect for the country dweller who misses the big city, the suburbs, or their local Motel 6.
2. Summon Your Inner Morgan- An app that translates all voice and text into the voice of Morgan Freeman. Your next text message could determine the fate of the world–or at least, it will sound like it could.
3. Inmate Finder- The newest app to hit the dating scene. Find an eligible prison inmate near you. Narrow down the search for your bada$$ soulmate by filtering on prison security level, type of crime, and jail time.
4. Meme Me- Become an internet sensation with no effort at all. Simply select one of our witty phrases, paste it over your fav photo, and BAM! You’ve got an instant internet meme. Watch your pics go viral in seconds! Or maybe never.
5. Exclaim It!- This app adds exclamation points after everything you say! It is especially great when you’re trying to dump someone via text but still want to sound nice! Or when telling your brother that you killed his hamster, but it was totally just an accident! Or maybe it wasn’t! Hehe! For added emphasis, you can set your preferences of using 1, 3, or 10 exclamation points in a row!!!!!!!!!!