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Please Don't Call Me an Adult: The Frozen Pizza Incident of July 2012

Please don’t call me an adult because, well, I’m not an adult. I can’t be. If I’m an adult, we’re all screwed. Yes, okay, I’m 27 years old. I can legally drink, vote and join the army (those are listed in order of importance). I pay rent and bills and am able to get up and out of bed in order to be at work on time. I get a paycheck. I pay taxes (I think? I’m still not fully on board with the whole meaning of “taxes”). Teenagers and incorrect grammar really, really annoy me. But I’m not an adult. No way.

I came to this conclusion the other day when I was unable to cook a frozen pizza correctly. Everything was going so well. I preheated the oven (big adult move, if you ask me), put my pizza in said preheated oven, waited the appropriate 10 minutes and then removed my pizza from the oven. I even immediately turned the oven off so I didn’t forget and accidentally burn my apartment to the ground, as some real adults have warned me is in fact possible. 

But then things took a turn for the worse. Spatula in hand, I attempted to lift my pizza from the baking sheet and onto a plate. No dice. I tried from the other end. Nope, not budging. And then I realized – I didn’t spray the baking sheet with PAM. My glorious Ellio’s pizza was basically glued to the baking sheet. Who forgets to spray the sheet?! I was out of options and very hungry, so I scraped the top layer of pizza off and put it on a plate and ate the disfigured pile of sauce and cheese with a fork. Yep, I still ate it. And it was delicious. And I in no way regret that decision.

The next morning I woke up and walked out to the kitchen only to find the baking sheet with the bottom remnants of my pizza (covered with a dish towel to hide my shame from my roommate, of course) still sitting on the counter. A physical reminder of my inability to function in the real world. And it hit me: an adult should be able to cook frozen pizza, right? That’s probably like Adult 101, I would think. Though, maybe the real question is – should an adult actually be eating frozen pizza as a legitimate dinner meal? Probably not.

Anyway, this whole ordeal sent me into a full on shame spiral in which I decided it would be a good idea to really nail down the evidence proving that “I’m not an adult, so leave me alone.” Some items on this list are as follows:

  •  The fact that I have to take out the trash and don’t get paid for it makes me want to break things.
  •  I do not have a driver’s license.
  •  I have no idea what GOP stands for and zero desire to look into it.
  • The biggest stresser I have on my mind these days is deciding if I should do that cool ombre thing to my hair (but by the time I do it, will it not be cool anymore?! I JUST DON’T KNOW!)
  •  I am still obsessed with the Backstreet Boys.
  •  I have been directly involved in two separate toaster oven fires.
  •  My bath towels don’t match, nor will they ever.
  •  One time it took me 30 minutes to change my Brita filter.
  •  Sometimes I run out of clean underwear.
As you can imagine, this list went on and on. And it became very clear to me that although I’m not a kid I shouldn’t be called an adult. Let’s consider me in the training bra of adulthood. I mean, there are pre-teens, right? Why can’t there be pre-adults? There must be a gaggle of pre-adults just hanging out somewhere, not wearing any clean underwear and eating the top layer of their frozen pizzas together. And I really need to get in on that.
By Maggie Fremont
Featured image via.
  • Meghan McCombs

    Don’t worry; it’s called emerging adulthood: .

    GOP stands for grand old party. I say this as I’m eating ice cream for breakfast. But it’s mocha almond, so it’s totally okay…

  • Lauren King

    I’m still trying to figure out how the frozen pizza stuck to the pan. Maybe frozen pizzas are different here in Australia though.

    • Suzanne Sims

      And the UK. Don’t even need to spray the baking tray with anything, pizza never sticks to anything. Hiding dirty baking trays and hoping they’ll wash themselves… I do that though.

      • Sarah Jenkins

        I’m from Chicago and frozen pizza doesn’t stick to pans here either.

    • Jessica Broadbent

      I occasionally get McCain’s frozen pizza’s here in Melbourne and the last time I cooked one I didn’t put baking paper on the tray. Stuck it right to the tray.

      So frustrating!

  • Liz Haebe

    Hey, I’m 33 and I totally burned the bottom of a Le Creuset pot because I overpoached a salmon. See, halfway between adult and child…when I used to burn stuff all the time. You’ll get there. Even if ya don’t want to.

  • Brandy Lee

    Becoming an adult doesn’t automatically turn you into a know-it-all. Don’t be that hard on yourself. I’m certain there are many things you know how to do very well that some of us may not. Everyone’s life has its own individual timeline. It is totally normal and OK for yours not to align with someone else’s.

  • Sarah Jenkins

    Yeah I have never in my entire life sprayed the pizza pan before cooking a frozen pizza, and I have also never before in my entire life had a pizza stick to the pan like that. I’ve never heard of that particular brand of frozen pizza but maybe you need to switch! That said, i’ve had an entirely different mishap with a Home Run Inn frozen pizza. One day when I went to check on my pizza to see if it was done I noticed that the bottom of the pizza was sizzling. I quickly realized that I had put the pizza on the sheet upside down. I wish I made that up.

  • Shane Mabrey

    Fear not, research shows that adolescence can continue well into your twenties. Maybe your brain is not fully developed. It’s that or your just an idiot. I thought GOP stood for Grumpy Old Pharts.

    • Shar Rowell

      I didn’t know what GOP stood for. I didn’t feel compelled to find out, either. But I think it should stand for Grumpy Old Pharts. I like to think of it that way.

  • Mariealaena Margret

    I don’t pay rent currently but I have drivers license and a car. I eat sugary cereals and prefer chocolate milk or hit chocolate to coffee. I like Dr. Who and batman cartoons. I don’t think I’m an adult yet I am qualified to teach and look after children.

  • Carina Brown

    Pre-adults! I like it! I’m right there with ya…

  • Danielle Mitchell

    I have quite stupidly cooked a frozen pizza before with the styrophome backing still on the base of the pizza (when I should have removed it!). I feel less like a pre-adult and more like an adult with a P plate (in the UK we use P plates on cars to signify that you just passed your driving test) who makes some very silly mastakes from time to time….

  • Sandra Byles

    This is the story of my LIFE, good lord… I can relate, my friend. Adulthood seems like a totally foreign concept to me at this point.

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