Places I'd Actually Like to Meet the Man of My Dreams (And Probably Have Better Odds Of Doing So)


Nothing says potential love like swaths of ham and a sixteen pack of pianos. Costco is the best. In all the land. You don’t even need to eat before you go, you just circle around with your cart like you’re not the same person in the yoga pants before shoveling the dumplings in to your mouth and your purse. Don’t let the yoga pants deceive you. You can fit more dumplings in stretchy material.
I’d love to meet a strapping young lad near the mom jeans.
Why? Costco tells you so much about a person. How he or she can handle crowds, packing your own stuff into boxes (like, do you have any spatial issues?) How well can you navigate pulling a flat of Gatorade into your cart? (I’m staring at your biceps.) Would you offer to help a little old lady pick out the right 24-pack of Sensodyne? I’d hope so.
And what about what’s in your cart.; Socks, duct tape, scissors, tarp, blindfolds, and a flashlight – clearly a gym teacher. I hated PE, sorry. Sixteen bottles of wine, three roast chickens, and Gone Girl? When are you making me romantic engagement chicken and also drinking Merlot and talking about our favorite comedians? And possibly murdering me? Tonight. Right after they tick off your receipt and you figure out how you spent $700 in 30 minutes.

I don’t know about you, but nothing gets me going like a weekly planner that I can see, and some retractable sharpies. I’m like Tina Fey, doing her sexy car-wash / wet-tee-shirt contest, but with post-its. Sure, I have my google calendar and my google voice and my twitter and my tweeter and my Vine and my Vino and my iPad, iPhone, Token Macbook Air, but nothing is sweeter than a To-Do list on a legal pad. An extra long one.
Maybe I’ll find another nerd, trying to decide whether or not the Bic Pens “for her” are as much of a disgrace to humanity as I think they are. Maybe he’ll also be an entrepreneur, trying to make sure his new staff, all on the Forbes 15 Under 12 Under 3 are all situated in their new workspaces. But he also wants to be a cool boss, and have like, a ping pong table and maybe a beer or two, because you know, you’re just disrupting an industry or something. I hope you disrupt this box of envelopes I’ve got here.
If all else fails, the Empire State Building is still fine. I just need more than one quarter.
Image via iGossip
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