Pickup Lines I Wish Guys Used On MeAli Ashbaker

Dating is the worst. Or maybe I am just the worst at it – sometimes it’s hard to tell.  I’m sure a lot of it has to do with my hatred for small talk. Your mouth is moving about today’s weather and the traffic on the way over here and I just wanna get to the deep stuff. Like, how did you feel when you heard Camille Grammer was leaving Real Housewives? And then how did you feel when you found out she was back? I’m just really bad at the whole thing and I am nearly positive that I will die alone with nothing to show for myself except 550 Big Gulp cups and a large collection of lotions and bath salts. Because I might have some unplanned dreadlocks, but I’m still a damn lady.

The deep stuff is the best. I love hearing about the inner workings of people’s lives. My favorite show was always MTV’s Diary. Ya, T-Boz, I wanna know what kind of jammies you’re rocking to bed and how you act around your big sis. I wanna know all of that. It’s also why I loved Oprah. I’m not satisfied with a 5 minute segment on a late-night talk show. I wanna spend the whole hour with Julia Roberts. I wanna see her house. I wanna hear her talk to her agent on the phone. I wanna find out about the secret ingredient in her famous gumbo. I mean, I live for that behind the scenes mess. But no one wants to get behind the scenes with me on the first date. Get yo’ mind outta the gutter. What I mean is, people keep it all surface for too long. I’m the same way with my girlfriends. We are either best friends and ready to go on a cross-country road trip and start a business together within 5 minutes of meeting, or we are forever stuck in acquaintance territory.

I wish I liked dating. I’m a 26-year-old baller (not the sports kind, the mogul kind) in-training and sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to be all up in the dating world making appointments back-to-back and never washing off my makeup. I mean I have a lot of things going against me: I’m not obsessed with Audrey Hepburn, I don’t like crime dramas, I mouth-kiss my dog on a regular basis and I hate dating on top of all of it. Is there a place for me in this world?

Another problem I have is that I don’t really have a type. Or more like, I’m no one’s type. Recently one of my friends was going to set me up with a guy. I was like, “no way.” And she was like, “Are you sure, he drives a Mustang.” Are you serious? That was your piece of info that was gonna win me over? A Mustang? Unless it’s a million dollar trust fund along with a private island and a fountain soda machine, don’t be mentioning assets.

So to all the dudes that are lookin to get with me (just go with me here, okay?) these are my dream pickup lines:

  • “Oh hey, you wanna come back to my place and make a Digiorno and play Mario Cart? I’ll let you be Luigi.”
  • “Oh, hey. Love that picture of your dog that you posted on Facebook. You wanna go to KidZone and hit up the batting cages, eat nachos and people-watch for a few hours?”
  • “Oh, hey.  You wanna have a Kill Bill marathon and eat our weight in popcorn while wearing sweats on my Love Sac? By the way, cool bangs.”
  • “Oh, hey. You wanna have a barbecue where I invite all of my friends and you invite all of your friends. Whoa, do you do your own nail art? It’s really good.”
  • “Oh, hey. You wanna come over and help me plan an elaborate prank to play on my roommate and then we will go to The Olive Garden? Your blog is hilarious.”
  • “Oh, hey. Weird question. Do you like rollerblading?”
  • “Oh, hey. You wanna play on my parents’ trampoline?”
  • “Oh, hey. You wanna have a competition to see who can drive better with their knees?”

I wanna know: What’s your dream pickup line?

Image from shutterstock.com

comments

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  1. This is legitimate perfection. I love it.

  2. “Oh hey, you wanna grab a coffee, wander around comic shops and record stores for a few hours, and then go back to my place for some mac & cheese and the new episode of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’?”
    – True story. I married that man as soon as I could!

  3. Oh hey, you wanna share this bag of Reese’s Pieces with me & play with my dog? By the way you smell delicious & you have complete control of the radio. ;)

  4. Oh hey, let’s make up our own songs about chonga bagels as we watch this Thomas Jefferson documentary and drink homemade Butterbeer.

  5. You don’t need to take me out hunny, let’s just spend the day eating chips and dip, and watching LOTR extended edition on DVD, and talk about how the movies compare with the books, the complex character developments, the score and the art design, then maybe watch all the 24hrs of special features. I might even cry with you when Gandalf dies. Oh and make sure you wear those sexy PJs of yours…. you know how flannel gets me hott. By the way, you remind me so much of Zooey Deschanel!

  6. My possible dream guy might say…”Oh hey, you’re looking dapper this evening. Want to go for a walk and ponder the meaning of life & God under the stars and then go catch a movie and re-enact our favorite scenes from it after? I love your bangs and freckles.”

  7. So I don’t know about pick up lines, but I see ice cream and frozen yogurt mentioned a lot in the comments. I’d have to say that if ice cream is involved, it had better only be while playing Clue and watching the movie Clue.

  8. Hey Girl,
    Want to go build a sheet fort at my place? I just bought a mixed case from the new local brewery. We can sample their selection why I destroy you in Battleship.

  9. While I was reading a pop-up box came up for Christian Mingles.com. “Find God’s Match For You”. LLOL. Literally laughed out loud.

  10. So I was wondering, would you possible want to join me in the Sci Fi section of the used bookstore and read the backs of horrible 70′s pulp novels in epic movie narrator voices and then go get some frozen yogurt to eat at the laundrymat while I serendade you as Dr. Horrible. I can sing really really good as long as the lyrics are by Joss Whedon.

  11. Oh hey, cool shoes! Wanna go swing dancing? After that, we can play with some kittens while we have some ice cream!

  12. Oh hey, want to sing Broadway showtunes and Disney songs while watching cartoons and eating?

  13. Hey girl, wanna scavenge the house for junk and build an elaborate sculpture in the backyard? We can spend all night making art under the stars, and fall asleep together in my fair trade hammock. We’ll wake and bake and I’ll feed you vegan granola as we float in my pool and draw caricatures of one another.

  14. Oh hey, would it be a deal breaker if I wanna be Luigi?

  15. Oh hey, would it be a deal breaker if I wanna be Luigi?

    Anonymous | 5/31/2012 06:05 pm
  16. You. Me. Puppy farm.

  17. “Oh hey, I just have to say you look sexy with your hair in that messed-up high ponytail look you have going on. Do you want to go to the brewery, get a sampler tray of beers and some nachos and talk about the series finale of “Lost”? It totally changed my life. I’m buying!”

  18. am I the only one that thinks that all of that is not really “deep stuff”? I’m sure there is a guy for you out there, everybody has a match somewhere. But please stop kissing your dog in the mouth, dogs lick their asses and smell feces.

  19. I’d take one that has to do with watching Downton Abbey, and hating on Thomas.

  20. Oh hey, do you want to do a live reenactment of You’ve Got Mail, make out and then meow at eachother until we fall asleep?