Pickup Lines I Wish Guys Used On Me

Dating is the worst. Or maybe I am just the worst at it – sometimes it’s hard to tell.  I’m sure a lot of it has to do with my hatred for small talk. Your mouth is moving about today’s weather and the traffic on the way over here and I just wanna get to the deep stuff. Like, how did you feel when you heard Camille Grammer was leaving Real Housewives? And then how did you feel when you found out she was back? I’m just really bad at the whole thing and I am nearly positive that I will die alone with nothing to show for myself except 550 Big Gulp cups and a large collection of lotions and bath salts. Because I might have some unplanned dreadlocks, but I’m still a damn lady.

The deep stuff is the best. I love hearing about the inner workings of people’s lives. My favorite show was always MTV’s Diary. Ya, T-Boz, I wanna know what kind of jammies you’re rocking to bed and how you act around your big sis. I wanna know all of that. It’s also why I loved Oprah. I’m not satisfied with a 5 minute segment on a late-night talk show. I wanna spend the whole hour with Julia Roberts. I wanna see her house. I wanna hear her talk to her agent on the phone. I wanna find out about the secret ingredient in her famous gumbo. I mean, I live for that behind the scenes mess. But no one wants to get behind the scenes with me on the first date. Get yo’ mind outta the gutter. What I mean is, people keep it all surface for too long. I’m the same way with my girlfriends. We are either best friends and ready to go on a cross-country road trip and start a business together within 5 minutes of meeting, or we are forever stuck in acquaintance territory.

I wish I liked dating. I’m a 26-year-old baller (not the sports kind, the mogul kind) in-training and sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to be all up in the dating world making appointments back-to-back and never washing off my makeup. I mean I have a lot of things going against me: I’m not obsessed with Audrey Hepburn, I don’t like crime dramas, I mouth-kiss my dog on a regular basis and I hate dating on top of all of it. Is there a place for me in this world?

Another problem I have is that I don’t really have a type. Or more like, I’m no one’s type. Recently one of my friends was going to set me up with a guy. I was like, “no way.” And she was like, “Are you sure, he drives a Mustang.” Are you serious? That was your piece of info that was gonna win me over? A Mustang? Unless it’s a million dollar trust fund along with a private island and a fountain soda machine, don’t be mentioning assets.

So to all the dudes that are lookin to get with me (just go with me here, okay?) these are my dream pickup lines:

  • “Oh hey, you wanna come back to my place and make a Digiorno and play Mario Cart? I’ll let you be Luigi.”
  • “Oh, hey. Love that picture of your dog that you posted on Facebook. You wanna go to KidZone and hit up the batting cages, eat nachos and people-watch for a few hours?”
  • “Oh, hey.  You wanna have a Kill Bill marathon and eat our weight in popcorn while wearing sweats on my Love Sac? By the way, cool bangs.”
  • “Oh, hey. You wanna have a barbecue where I invite all of my friends and you invite all of your friends. Whoa, do you do your own nail art? It’s really good.”
  • “Oh, hey. You wanna come over and help me plan an elaborate prank to play on my roommate and then we will go to The Olive Garden? Your blog is hilarious.”
  • “Oh, hey. Weird question. Do you like rollerblading?”
  • “Oh, hey. You wanna play on my parents’ trampoline?”
  • “Oh, hey. You wanna have a competition to see who can drive better with their knees?”

I wanna know: What’s your dream pickup line?

Image from shutterstock.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/jamie.j.yost Jamie Justice Yost

    “Let’s go take pictures of mullets and bad grammar on signs. And after? We’ll make up elaborate backstories for random folks at the park.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/franco451 Frank Fraone

    Good pick-up lines! Too bad most of us guys are predictable.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=7724569 Jenny Rauch

    Oh, hey. Do you want to watch that episode of Doctor Who when the Doctor copy stays with Rose and the real Doctor closes off her alternate dimension, while I just hold you? And then we can make pancakes?

    • http://www.facebook.com/jordi.blythe Jordi Blythe

      With chocolate chips.

    • http://www.facebook.com/megan.cunningham.1291 Megan Cunningham

      And fish sticks and custard.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kbutchart Kate Butchart


    • Anonymous

      I would marry that person in a second.

  • http://www.facebook.com/asouvenirsmind Brian Lutz

    Here, this may help. Once you figure out exactly the guy you are want and all of the qualities that define that ideal person hone in on them. Be perceptive, be able to analyze what they wear and how they act to determine which ones you should go after.

  • http://www.facebook.com/caitlin.brohm Caitlin Brohm

    I think we’d be best friends

  • http://www.facebook.com/helena.k.eriksson Heléna Kaiser Eriksson

    Oh hey, I hear there’s a giant tumble-weave in the wal mart parking lot. Want to go on a photo scavenger hunt, and see how many more we can find?

    (no really, I take pictures of them everywhere. There’s a whole street-weave culture in Pittsburgh, and no one is talking about it.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/lindsaybrandt Lindsay Brandt

    This is literally my favorite article ever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jo.benrubi Jo Anne Benrubi

    Oh man. My husband uses, “Oh hey. Real Housewives of Orange County is on DVR. Wanna turn it on after I make you a strawberry and banana smoothie, then talk about how awesome we are?” These men exist, ladies.

    • Ali Ashbaker

      What?! That’s a keeper!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000043190828 Cheryl Paskins

    Oh hey, would you like to come over and watch a Brothers and Sisters marathon while I make lunch? I think I have the Cafe Rio recipe perfected. Then we can challenge each other to multiple games of Words with Friends, or just play Trivial Pursuit – Friends edition.

    • Ali Ashbaker

      OMG I’m obsessed with Brothers and Sisters too!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000043190828 Cheryl Paskins

    Could that BE more fun?

  • http://www.facebook.com/kayli.barth Kayl Barth

    Oh hey! Wanna grab a coffee and make up parody songs about breakfast foods?

    • http://www.facebook.com/truth2btold Amanda Tucker

      Oh hey, let’s improvise our own lyrics to classic rocks songs while we make delicious food magic in the kitchen. Oh, you don’t know how? I’ll show you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.worley.35 Sarah Worley

    Oh hey, would you like to take a drive with the sunroof open, sing to the top of our lungs to songs on the radio and do our best to make up funny lyrics.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000043190828 Cheryl Paskins

      And after that, can I gently brush the wind-caused dreadlocks from your beautiful tresses?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000043190828 Cheryl Paskins

    Oh hey, would you like to take our puppies to a dog park and use English accents whenever we talk?

  • http://www.facebook.com/bialealcraveiro Beatriz Leal Craveiro

    “Hey, do you wanna talk melodically like we were in a musical and I was Ewan McGregor?”

    • http://www.facebook.com/jo.benrubi Jo Anne Benrubi

      Yes. That’s awesome.

  • http://www.facebook.com/bialealcraveiro Beatriz Leal Craveiro

    “Hey, do you wanna talk melodically as if we were in a musical and I was Ewan McGregor?”

  • http://www.facebook.com/gogo43 Norberto Gogo Chavarria


  • http://www.facebook.com/myrowitz Jason Myrowitz

    So, if a guy you’ve never met comes up to you and asks you to go back to his parents’ house, you would be amenable as long as there was mention of a trampoline?

    • Ali Ashbaker

      That is a resounding ‘yes.’

  • http://www.facebook.com/angelica.soria Angelica Soria Owens

    I’ll tell you what’s NOT my favorite pick up line…. “You look like Pocohontas… oh wait I mean Pocohotass”… i heard this one last weekend… I’m not joking.

    • http://www.facebook.com/bialealcraveiro Beatriz Leal Craveiro

      not nice!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5312104 Marisa Kabas

    Oh hey, do you want to do a live reenactment of You’ve Got Mail, make out and then meow at eachother until we fall asleep?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000043190828 Cheryl Paskins


    • Ali Ashbaker

      I just died at “meow at eachother until we fall asleep.” Love that!

  • http://www.facebook.com/eastautumnpacificocean Colleen Sweeney

    I’d take one that has to do with watching Downton Abbey, and hating on Thomas.

    • http://www.facebook.com/emily.ziesenheim Emily Ziesenheim

      Can we extend that hatred to O’Brien as well? BABY KILLER!

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